he broke up with me (triggers)
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he broke up with me (triggers)
| Fri, 09-10-2004 - 12:16am |
well, after the worst week and a half we have ever had, he decided that the answer (or the neccessary thing to do) was to end it. i feel like we broke up already, but it didn't make the tears stop or my heart not feel like it is crushed like crazy. i thought it would be better if i at least knew, but it's not. i think it's worse. i am going to say the same thing that he said to me when this started "i don't know how 2 people who love each other so much can't make it work." i don't understand. he said i wasn't there for him, and i actually feel like i wasn't but it was a complicated situation and all i can say is that things got tough and he has decided to close his heart off to me after a year and a half of a wonderful relationship. i thought we had more than that, then again i thought we had enough to move in together, get married and have kids- but with his timing, who knows if any of that would have happened. i don't think many normal women could hear their 35 year old boyfriend who they want to spend the rest of their life with (and he says he feels the same way) say he doesn't want them to move in after picking out an apartment together and a bed etc and he doesn't know when he will be ready and not be a little selfish and worry about how that is going to affect you and not what is bothering him. especially when he has showed committment phobic tendencies before. i was scared to tell anyone this, but i told my mom- and scared her- but i wanted to hurt myself when he left. not kill myself. and i won't do either. but i wanted to hurt myself for hurting himand hurt myself because it hurt so bad on the inside i didn't know what to do. i don't want to relive the pain of the deepest depression holes i have been in- my mom is scared that is where i am going. all i know is i have been a zombie already and knowing he is really gone makes it hurt so much more. please be there for me you guys, i want to keep fighting- i don't want to go back to those bad places, but i feel like i am toeing the line. i miss him so much already. he couldn't look at me without getting really sad and in the end said he just wanted to take some time apart- not break up forever right now basically. i just want him to knock on my door and tell me he can't live without me and wants me to move in after all and live happily ever after. the thing is i know that is what he really wants, and i don't get why that is a scary thing. thanks for listening. i have the lowest self-esteem and feel so unloved and unwanted and horrible right now. thanks again for being there for me.

I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. I know how much this man has changed your life and made you feel loved for the first time in your life.
I agree with you that of course you had your own hurt and fears come up this week. You were worried about this issue 6 months ago. Of course you've been upset about him backing out of his previous statement that the two of you would move in sometim around November or January. I mean, you have stayed in Chicago and put your desire to move to LA on the back burner. He may not like that you think a year and a half is enough time before moving in together. He may have commitment issues. But, honey, you have been treated like you don't matter for your whole life by your dad. This guy has kept you at arm's length by not spending very many nights together every week and dodged the commitment issue until just a couple of months ago. You had a right to be hurt and upset when he pulled way back again and couldn't give you any hope or brightness of the future. You have nothing to feel guilty about, Sweetie. You really don't.
I know it hurts so much right now. I can't stand it when people pull that "we need time apart" stuff. Time apart for us women is just a torturous time to grovel in pain. All you can do right now is let out your feelings and try to think about what you can do that would be best for you. You don't know if he'll be back or not. I still think that you both could benefit from some couples counseling. If he could shut you out like this so fast and easily, he has expectations and projections on you that hurt his ability to be kind and honest with you.
He says that you haven't been there for him to help him with his commitment issues. But that's like telling the victim of a knifing that they are too busy wallowing in their own wound and blood to be there to help the knifer figure out why he's so mad!
He hurt you, Sweetie. He may have issues, but it wasn't your job to get him to figure them out when he was in the middle of making you feel rejected and insecure about all of the trust and commitment you have given him for the last year and a half.
I'm here for you. Please call if you want to talk this weekend.
Take Care,
MariaC
Hugs to you.