Losing my marriage to my depression
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Losing my marriage to my depression
| Fri, 09-10-2004 - 1:45pm |
This is the first message I've posted but I feel like I am losing control of my life. My husband and I have always fought, it just seemed like that's just who we were. Now that I have been diagnosed with depression and can see through the fog, I can see that I was a pretty big provoker. I would do anything to get a response out of him if he was ignoring me or just simply trying to walk away from the situation. Our marital problems don't lie only with me but I don't think they would've come to this point if I hadn't pushed them here. Now I am being treated and I feel like a different person, it's almost like an out-of-body experience. But he is very distant. He says that he is scared that the same thing that always happens will happen again. We have a big fight, we make up and things are great for a week or two, and then we have another blow up. He is apprehensive and cold and it makes me feel bad about myself. He says that he cannot work on the marriage until he feels secure that I have healed and that I am not going to "flip out" on him anymore. But it seems like I can't heal with him being as cold as he is. I need him to believe in me and to help me keep that part of my life stable. He says that he doesn't want to feel obligated to be at home right now. If he needs to be away, he wants to be away. It's a terrible circle though because I feel like I am doing everything I can to hold our marriage (and our family, we have two young children) together and he is pushing me away. How do I deal with this? Some days I just want to get angry and give him the cold shoulder but then I think, what good would that do? Then I feel like I am being taken advantage of because he can go and do as he pleases and the kids and I are waiting at home for him. He can come home and get the royal treatment. He's not a bad person but I don't know how to deal with what he is going through in trying to cope with me and the things I have done in the past. I think I rambled but I hope this makes sense to someone.

Hi tkmom,
This sounds a bit like us only in reverse, i was just readin gyesterday that men don't like to "talk"because they percieve that means there is a problem, so maybe it will help a little if i can tell you about what i went through and how it might apply to him.
I was comepletely traumatised by my DH outsbursts. I went from indifferent to comepletely withdrawn. He felt the only way he could "get through to me" was with this behaviour. It took a while but the good news it we have quit fighting! i feel alot more secure. also i try to do things to let hime know i care about him so that he doesn't feel threatend when i go inside myself (that is my natural tendancy).
So i'm guessing you have different waysof percieving and ahndling the spats you go through, For you perhps it's an outlet or a vent, But it may deeply affect him to where he feels he needs to protect himslef emotionlly right now.
I have to run , but will be back later this afternoon. i'd like to recommend a book or two which i think can help. God know if were could change anyone can :)
After going through
prodi_gal
Thanks so much for the support. It's really good to hear from "the other side". I mean, to hear from someone who has been in his shoes but is not him. I am trying very hard to be patient with him and it seems that he is coming around. He even surprised me by arranging for a baby sitter and planning to take me to dinner and to a concert. I'm really excited! I hope that once he has time to think about things that he will begin to do things that make me know that he cares about me, like you did for your DH. I don't think he understands how very sensitive I am to things right now and even a bad tone of voice can make me feel like he is going to move out that same night. i know that I also have to keep my over-sensitivity in check but besides the depression, I have always been a very sensitive person -- but I always kept that sensitivity to myself. I would love to hear what books you have to recommend. Of course, since I am in school three nights a week and studying the rest of the time, it might be difficult to get them read but I'll never get them read if I don't start somewhere, right? Thanks so much for the support. It has really given me a different perspective, which is what I am trying so hard to get right now.
tkmom11
Hi there!
Welcome to the board. Im so glad that you are working to make things better in your life and they WILL get there sweetie it just takes time.
Probably the biggest reason your DH is having a hard time is that he really doesnt understand what you are going thru.
*hugs