Lonely, depressed, anxious...why can't I

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Lonely, depressed, anxious...why can't I
7
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 12:58am
Where to begin..I'm 32, married, 3 kids, and depressed. I've recently (the past year or so) semi-recovered from an eating disorder (semi- because although I have gained some weight and eat more normally now, I hate myself and the way I look) Ever since then I have been worrying constantly about dying...heart attacks, cancer, brain aneurysm, you name it. I worry that I've damaged my body, I worry that I'm getting older, some days I think there just seems to be no point in it all. You live only to die. I would never kill myself because I am terrified of death, I don't want to be gone, I want to stay. I am estranged from most of my family, they pretty much think I'm an idiot who is too sensitive (I've been told I should just ignore them when they say rude things, or never call, or never stop by, and once we were close. I've had a couple bad panic attacks, as I sit here now my head hurts and I have fleeting thoughts that this is it, this is when I'll die. I hate where I live, but moving is impossible now financially...small rural town with the wonderful opportunity to run into those who despise you at every turn. I just don't know where to turn, my husband doesn't understand, and nobody knows about my eating disorder...they just saw me get very thin and then gain about 20 lbs back. If anyone wants to email me I would love it, I get so very lonely sometimes...my husband works, kids go to school, I'm a sahm. Sorry about all the complaining, I just wanted to tell someone. Tara
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 1:23am
((((Tara))))

You sound SO frustrated and overwhelmed ((hugs))

I'm sorry your so lonely but I'm SO glad you found us here and your posting!! When I'm at my darkest place I know these boards are ALWAYS here for me and it helps to make me feel less lonley :o)

Sometimes I love coming here and just venting, writing exactly what I'm feeling. Most of the time it's completely NOT understandable, but it feels like such a release!! And although I feel it's complete babble, people here get it!!

Please know we're ALL here for you anytime you want to type!!

You right to ignore people that say rude things or never contact you. You DON'T need negativity in your life. Its those people that bring us down father than we deserve to be!!

I'm so glad that your recovering from your eating disorder and you've gained weight back, I think that a wonderful and healthy step towards full recovery!!

Have you ever considered seeking help or support through an eating disorder therapist?? Maybe it's something you could look into. I'm pretty certain there is a message board here on iv that deals with that exact issue.

Again, I'm SO glad you've found us. The support here is so warm and unconditional, come back and post when ever you need to!!

Take care of you...

((hugs))

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 1:37am
Here's the message boards regarding eating disorders in case your interested!!

Please know that we're always here for you ((Tara))

Take care of ((you))

((HUGS))

Pam

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bheating

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 12:20pm
Reading your post really hit home to me! I am going throught the same thing. I am a stay at home mom of one who is trying to eradicate an eating disorder and depression from my life - and I'm having those same issues with death. I can't get it out of my mind, I'm so worried that I'll die some how. If it's not a heart attack or aneurysm, I even worry that my plane with crash or a driver will swerve off the road and hit me or (get this) an asteroid will land on me. I've been afraid to tell anyone about it in case I sound so weird. My husband keeps telling me to just stop thinking about stuff like that but it's so hard! It feels good to know that you understand where i'm coming from (not that I would want anyone to go through this too, but you know what I mean). Maybe we should exchange emails and try to support one another through this. Take care of yourself,

kee
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 1:54pm
Hi, I would love to exchange emails...mine is solarfirefighter@yahoo.com. You made me laugh with the asteroid thing, because I too have vivid (and horrible) ideas like that as well. I look forward to hearing from you and we'll talk more!

Tara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 1:58pm
I wanted to thank you all for the support and the links...it feels really good to be able to tell someone about it all, I've been bottling it up for so long. I am very happy I joined you guys and I plan on sticking around.

Hope you all are having a good day,

Tara
Avatar for peaceingod
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 6:09pm
Tara,

In some ways I can relate to you. I too live in a small town, well near a small town, and I hate it. I am from the city and agreed to move here after years of refusing. My husband grew up here. I also am a SAHM and my husband works alot. I have one in 1st grade, one in preschool and a 17 month old. Maybe we should talk sometime. My email is decc96@qconline.com and I also have Messenger.

Cathie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 1:18pm

Hi Tara and Welcome!


You have gotten some wonderful replies as I knew you would here.

*hugs