my hard week got harder- still fighting

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
my hard week got harder- still fighting
2
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 2:19am
thank you guys so much for being so supportive of me. i cannot tell you how much i need it and how much i appreciate it. i feel like all of a sudden i am so alone and i just need love and support and hugs and people to care. it means so much to have you guys... i just got through a horrible stomach ache (without too many details, terrible pain, feel horrible then issues that involve the bathroom- it is what happens with my stomach disorder) it takes a lot out of me- but it dehydrates me so i am staying awake to drink gatorade for a few more minutes and i wanted to share-

you know those times that go down in history as memorably horrible? this past week has been one of (if not the #1) worst week of my life. i am still hit by the pain, heartache, confusion etc of this breakup- all of that love, trust, friendship, future plans all gone in the blink of an eye. a few words and my life is completely different and my best friend and person who meant everything to me is gone. i had called him a few times- on top of the breakup, we have both had our worlds falling apart this week in other ways. i wanted him to know i was there for him, and even if he wouldn't change his mind like i hoped, at least i could help him and be there for him. he told me i don't need to be there for him anymore- that it isnt healthy for us to talk anymore and he needs some time alone. it made me really sad, but i will give that to him if that is what he wants. i still don't understand completely and don't know if i am missing something, but a friend pointed out to me that he was breaking down in front of me and probably not feeling like a "man" and he needs to know he can handle himself and be strong- there's more to it that makes sense, but my meds ro relax me and my stomach are kicking in and i don't know if i am making sense.

anyways, i told him i loved him and he didnt say it back and we got off the phone with him saying we can't be friends right now and nothing about the future was said. it was so sad, with all of the other things that have happened today, i lost it. i was hysterical and luckily a friend in my building was able to come and talk to me and hug me.

the other stuff really quickly- a side job doing tennis stuff was offered to me that i had been trying to get for years i was really excited then the guy took the offer back (but did say another might come up), my last paycheck bounced which made my rent check bounce and i have been dealing with that stuff and worrying about money, other small stuff and the big one-

my dad may lose his bar- his ability to be a lawyer because of 3 more lawsuits (there was one very public and bad one already that we thought wasn't true) about him doing bad stuff- the only one i know about and apparently they are all similar- is about him asking a woman to meet him at a motel with money she owed. it is sick and horrible and apparently there are people in the office that were encouraging more women to come forward because they thought he was so terrible and needs to be disbarred. my dad is a mess, my mom- i don't even know but the poor woman deserves not to go through more stuff. my stomach is starting to hurt angain talking about it and this is getting long so i will go to sleep and hope to wake up to some replies to help get me going int hte morning. thanks for reading. thanks for everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 3:03am
VG, girl, my heart is going out to you right now.

I can't believe that he has done this to you. Obviously, he has made jumps and decisions about these past two weeks that are not normal conclusions to make when a problem happens in a relationship.

Because of that it's clear that he's not emotionally available enough to be the guy that you need.

But he has been your whole world. He's given you love like you've never had. And you dared to trust and believe in it.

It reminds me of that Dido song White Flag when she says "if you play by the rules of 'it's over...' "

The rules that when it's over you cut the person out and get used to having a life without them.

And all that you were to each other is gone.

Those are rules that men play by much more easily because they compartmentalize their feelings.

But it makes us feel like the love and friendship wasn't real.

It's soooo crazy.

But remember that this guy has NEVER had a real long-term relationship before and he's 35 YEARS OLD!

That means he has some serious issues.

I'm sorry about the thing with your dad. You know that I also know what it's like to have a perverted father whose indiscretions and predatory behavior becomes very public. Like newspaper and lawsuit public.

Having all of this happen right now couldn't be worse timing. It never ceases to amaze me how sometimes everything comes down at once.

Just please hold on. Please hold on. I know this time is so excruciating. This guy is making the break more complete and final. He's shutting you out. They say that the first cut is the deepest, but I think that they are all deep.

Please let yourself break down as you need to. Shake, cry, yell into pillows. You are in the throws of horrible grieving. I wish I had some words to make it feel better, but the only way out is through.

I'm so sorry that it has ended and you are going through this. You know you can call me any time.

All My Best,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 10:36am


I have no words just know that I am here for you okay that you are loved and you have every right to feel all the emotions that you are having right now I could not add on to what Maria said she basically said it all.

Tuight yet gentle hugs for you

Erin