(OT) This is SO funny!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
(OT) This is SO funny!!!
7
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 3:43pm
The Bible According To Children

The following statements are said to have been written by actual children and, as far as we know, are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected - they appear in their original form so bad spelling and the like, remains intact.

* In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

* Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

* Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

* Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

* Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

* Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

* Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

* The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

* Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

* Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

* David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

* He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

* Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

* St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

* He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

* It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

* The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

* The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

* One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

* A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Ladyirish317


400/365.8/150
...There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 8:46pm

thanks for sharing it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 2:41am
Mary Thanks for posting this I need a chuckle tonight. Hugs Mo

Maureen/Mo

If this was a real life it would have come with instructions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 5:00pm

and heres' another ;)


GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make youchuckle.

prodi_gal

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 11:44pm
Thanks so much for the laughs. Even my "secular" hubby thought

several of these were funny! I e-mailed the page to myself & will cut &

paste this to all my fellow King's Kids workers.

It is great to hear how others are dealing with their depression.

Since changing from Prozac (after 10 years) to a new med called Cymbalta

things have been getting easier for me. I am having less tearful days &

even if I do have a tearful day, it is less intense than they were before.

I did have a rather scary anxiety attack recently. DH helped me get thru

it & was pretty calm. When I realized I had had other anxiety attacks in

the past, I started to freak out again. When I am sick or injurred, he

is always there for me. But it seems like his military background keeps

him from being more open (& possibly affectionate) at other times. It's

kind of sad, the only time I get the support I crave, is when I am really

truly needy. What do you make of that?

Anyway, just wanted to tell you that you ended my day with a big smile! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 5:00pm

Thank you!


I needed a good laugh today and you started me off with the one about the Polish book and the X ~ and now kids & the Bible.


Priceless.


Especially considering my overly literal interpretation of the Bible yesterday!


Thank you thank you thank you!


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 9:16pm

I don't have kids of my own (and right now I have no regrets), but this was great!!


Thanks!

peace and love,


just_a_big_kid


Sue

peace and love,

just_a_big_kid

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 10:08pm

Don't know if you'see this, but i was just thinking about it...and

prodi_gal