Is my 10 year old son Suicidal?
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 10-01-2004 - 5:26pm |
I am very worried about my son. Today he brought home a picture from school called "Death Day". In my son's words, it was a "suicide carnival ride". It depicted a slide type ride consisting of many different "branches" or "routes". If you slid down one "branch" you met your end by a guy with an axe. If you took another route, you'd be shot by a guy with a rifle. Each "branch" had a different method in which you would die, all of them gruesome. This isn't the first time he has drawn such pictures. In fact, most of his drawings depict some sort of violence; usually all have guys dead and/or bleeding. Needless to say, this has me very worried.
My son also appears to have feelings of worthlessness. He always says things like "Nobody likes me" or "I have no friends". Of course, none of these things are true.
There have been two huge changes in my son's life recently - one is that we had a second child in 2002 (when my son was 8). He had, and still has, a hard time adjusting to this. His jealousy has never went away. Before my daughter was born, my son was used to getting non-stop love and affection. I will be the first to admit that I don't spend as much time as I would like with my son. I now have a toddler that keeps me unbelivably busy. She demands 100% attention and she still wakes up three to four times a night. I have not slept through the night in 2 1/2 years. I swear, I think she's trying to kill me (grin). I just never feel rested and, unfortunately, I get tired and cranky and I don't feel like playing lego or X-box with my son. Granted, this is no excuse on my part. In my defense, though, I do try to take my son out on "dates" once or twice a month. We go to a movie and to dinner, just him and I. We usually have a great time. We also bake cookies together and sometimes I will slip into his room and we'll watch Harry Potter (for the 50th time). My husband and I take the kids for walks with their bikes, we take them to amusement parks and play parks. We also frequently go on mini-vacations to children friendly destinations and always have a good time. But, in my son's eyes, it just isn't enough one on one time and deep down I know he's right.
The other big change is that we moved from the city to the country. Our new home is located in a small subdivision where no other children reside. My son comes home from school and will play alone in his room or he will ride his bike around the driveway.
I need some serious advice. I know the behaviors that my son is exhibiting are alarming and need attention. I just don't know where to start. Do I take him to a GP first or do I take him to a psychiatrist? Do I remove all of his video games that appear to be violent? Do I stop him from watching battling type shows such as Pokemon and Dragon Ball Z? Also, how do I make personal changes that will benefit his mental well-being? How can I spend more quality time with him while raising a very demanding toddler? I love my son so much and I don't want to lose him. Please help me.

Why is your 2 1/2 year old still getting up so much at night? Maybe your son feels that he is no.2 now, and that she gets most of your attention. Try to let your DH take over with her more, and see if you can figure out something to get her to sleep through the night so you are more rested too. I have no clue on that part, because I've been very lucky in that respect, I have a 5, 3 and 2 year old and they all started sleeping through the night at 3 months. I really think it's essential for you to get your rest.
Good luck and I hope you can figure out what's going on.
Hugs Ilka
I would definitely take him to your GP for a complete physical.
One other point - the games you mentioned can affect children in different ways. For some, I believe these images can trigger a negative view of self and the world around them. My sons, 2 years apart, played these games more often than I care to admit - younger son would act out almost immediately after watching a show or playing a game like you described, self esteem and confidence very low - older son could discern the un-reality of the shows/images without acting out and was very well rounded in his logic.
Your son may simply be drawing what he is focusing on most in his daily activities - the images are very graphic and often violent. Violence is trauma. Experienced trauma has to come out somewhere. Violent images can also magnify feelings of aloneness when loss is already present. Working in the school system I see a lot of these kinds of pictures and feel very sad about it. Having 2 sons, I know what a lot of kids are doing with their free time. It's the buzz. You may want to try curtailing how much time he spends playing these games or when he is playing, it is with you or his dad there so you can discuss what these games are about as they're happening and how he relates to them.
You may want to experiment with this - see if removing these games might help change your son's view of himself and his relationships, for a month or so. This alone won't do it but encourage him to try new things, being creative in other ways... what is available in your area? Watch him to see what kind of activities he can do away from the tv. He might say he's not interested in anything because he needs exposure. Hobbies, clubs, etc. Can your son and his dad develop a hobby together? Have him join you in family responsibilities such as helping with your toddler, or making part of a meal. Invite him to bring his activities into your area and talk with you while you are doing something in the kitchen or whatever it is you do. Let him be a part of what you do. Then point out genuinely that he did this or that and you appreciate him for "playing with toddler" for "spreading the pizza dough/sauce on the pan," "clearing the table," etc - working as a team till you can see his confidence take hold. You may already be doing these things but if not, it might be worth a try. Responsibity often instills a sense of pride and belonging to family - a feeling of being needed. The "dates" and special outings are a neat way to be closer to your son. He may need to see you make a point of dropping some of your activities even if it is with toddler to pay one on one, eye contact attention when he comes to tell you something. Your son may need more of this one on one on a daily basis. Acknowledge and allow him to have his own feelings (even when he says no one likes him) telling him that isn't true only makes him re-enforce his own thinking. E.g. No one likes me, no one wants to be my friend." Your response might be - "I'm sorry you feel that no one likes you. How can I help you feel better?" This opens the door to making plans and having activities you and he can look forward to. I think children can have separation anxiety even though parents are in the same room - when we are preoccupied with other activities and feel we just don't have the time to focus on them - we may as well be miles away. It's true we can't indulge them every single time - but when they are exhibiting these kinds of behaviors they are asking for us to help them through that place in their lives. Nothing is more important than our children when they are struggling.
You mentioned your daughter was taking up all of your time. Your daughter will be ok even if she doesn't get 100% from you. Right now, your son needs you - he is reaching out to you and his dad when he says he doesn't feel loved, etc. It doesn't mean you love your daughter less or that you need to cater to everything your son wants - but those hand on the shoulder, "love you's," hugs and talks, however short but often, are very important. Is it possible for your son to have a sleep over with a friend on a Friday night even 2 times a month?
I am a single parent and have raised 2 sons. My older son came home from grade 1, told me he didn't have any friends and recess was very boring, no one liked him or played with him. He was a handsome young man, well liked, but very shy. This continued for the first 3 weeks of school. I encouraged him to talk to others and ask them to play with him but he refused so I made a deal. He had 1 week to ask someone to play with him and offer to be a friend. If this didn't work, he could tell me. I told him I would talk with his teacher to see if there wasn't a way we could find a friend for my son because he just shouldn't have to be friendless and besides it doesn't feel good to not have friends. The next Monday after school, beaming as he came in the door, my son announced Mom I made 1 friend today! The second day, he made 2 more friends. The third day he had a group of 10 kids to play with - some boys, some girls. They continued to be friends as long as he attended that school and with some a while longer. I decided we would keep in contact with my kids' friends as long as they needed and were able. When we moved to another town, he was then in grade 3, he experienced the same feelings - I asked him if he would like me to chat with his teacher to see what we could do. That was not to be as far as he was concerned. He had friends within the week -again a strong group of friends that graduated together and are still close.
Anyways these are just my ramblings. I wish you the best for your family and your son.