Where do I start?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Where do I start?
3
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 10:04pm
I just turned 28 and I never thought I would still feel so sad, alone, angry, ashamed, insecure, and unhappy so many years later. My low-self esteem started in grammar school. I was ridiculed and teased because I was shy, quiet, and I avoided all social situations. I grew up with an alcoholic father who was never physically abusive, but the verbal anger was enough to bring me to my knees. I have read several self-help books (love Dr. Phil!) and I understand the connection of all my childhood trauma/memories to my present day experiences. Yet, I have never had a single friend that I could call day or night nor a significant other with whom I've had an honest, healthy relationship. Sure, I have co-workers and acquaintences who think I'm a great person. But, I have this self-hatred that will not allow me to open up to people, to trust people, or to truly love people selflessly. Bottom line, how can I possibly have healthy relationships or have a rewarding career when I look in the mirror and see a person who deserves nothing? Has anyone else experienced this sort of depression? I don't consider myself "depressed" because this is not a temporary emotion for me...this is my life. I have never gone to therapy or taken medication. After all these years, I still think this is something I can "fix" myself (apparently not!). I am tired of just getting by (going to work, paying the bills, etc.) and I am tired of not living, not having a real life. Will a therapist really help????
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 3:17am
Dear Tina: I could have written your post 20 years ago. I didn't really have a steady boyfriend until I met my now dh in Feb 1985 and we were married that following May when I was 29. Growing up I would have one good girlfriend at a time, but not a whole list of friends like other people. I also can be shy, quiet, and I get nervous in social situations, for my later teen years into my 20s, I would drink enough alcohol so I wasn't shy, alas, that caused it own set of problems. My father also was an alcoholic whose verbal abuse went off 24/7; he was mean sober, and meaner yet drunk. I equate childhood to walking on eggshells 24/7; anything could set him off, closing a window "too loud", turning a faucet off too loud, the most bizarre things to people that grew up with normal parents.

So what is helping me get better is therapy that I stared 2 years ago. She is helping me find some self esteem and confidence as I had like NONE at work when I got criticized by both sets of inspectors in 2002. My therapist is helping me see I have done this job for almost 21 years now, and NO one is perfect, is is OK to make mistakes, so is undoing the message from Dad that only perfect-very thin people were accepted by him and by the rest of the world. I did go on a med after therapy as I have long standing depression and generalized anxiety disorder too.

The other thing that has helped me, is Alanon, if you are open to going to a meeting, it is for families and friends of alcoholics. Those ladies have been so sweet and understanding, have even started a friendship with the one outside of the meetings. So many of the things you mentioned are classic traits of children that grew up with one or 2 alcoholic parents. If you do go to a meeting and the first one doesn't click, go again as it varies who comes week to week, or try another meeting. They also have tons of literature which you can order online. I just made my first year anniversary in Alanon and I can't praise it enough. It is encouraging me to work on myself, on my flaws BUT also to recognize all the good traits I have. We don't just sit around and criticize the alcoholics nonstop but we discuss what happened that week, how we handled it, some will say how they handled a similar problem, it is so helpful.

I hope you find a solution to improving your life, lucky for you you are only 28, I walked around in a fog until 46 or so, not even knowing I was broken or damaged, I just thought everyone felt like I did. Take care, hugs, Josie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 9:30am
Josie:

I can't thank you enough for your reply. Last night was the first time I looked for help online and I'm so glad I found this board. I think you are absolutely right that I need to find help outside of myself, otherwise I will never move forward. I finally realize that I need someone, be it a therapist or support group, to work with me and discuss the things I keep trying to make myself believe...I'm okay, I'm worthy, I'm not a bad person, etc. I completely understand your story, especially the "walking on eggshells 24/7". Also, I had a really miserable week at work which is why I broke down last night. I have made some serious mistakes at work over the past month and it all exploded on Friday.

I have been really down since turning 28 and I'm having a difficult time just getting through each day. I thought I would have control of my life by now, I thought I would have worked through my issues by now, and I thought I would have a good circle of friends by now. But, here I am still alone and unhappy at 28 years old. Anyway, I am now going to search for an Alanon meeting in my area and just get my feet wet to the idea of opening up to strangers! Then, I'll see about finding a therapist. Thanks and hugs back to you!

Tina

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 1:16pm
I am glad I could help. I was so nervous on going to my first Alanon meeting, my therapist actually went with me; and others their first time can't even talk, or they cry, so even if it is as emotional for you, there is so much healing and love and support there, and it is all in confidence. I hope you find as good of a meeting as I have found. And ditto with finding a good therapist, I know God lead me to the one I have.

have a good weekend, hugs, Josie.