Not Functioning --Triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Not Functioning --Triggers
13
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 10:45pm
I can't believe this is happening this bad again . I only had a few good days. It's just not fair and I know I sound like a little kid when I say that. When my students say it's not fair I tell them that fair is getting what you need not what you want. So do I need to feel so hopeless and suicidal? I've already taken two days off---I really need to get back to my classroom. If there really is a God he will let me die in my sleep tonight.Debbie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 10:52pm
Debbie!!!!!

YOU COME FIRST. The kids will be okay if you are gone for a couple of days. STOP being so hard on yourself.

When I was lurking, I noticed that you said the antidepressants weren't working so good and that the Doctor suggested ECT again. I think you need to talk to your doctor in the morning. Maybe, just maybe he can think of another medication or some other plan to make you feel a little better.

S.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 11:17pm
Thank you for responding. I am feeling very sorry for myself right now. I need to be able to talk ---but my husband is not into listening.

I saw my doctor this afternoon. He changed one of my meds again. He wants me to quit working full time and go back to subbing. I am a control freak tho and I really like running my own classroom---running my Christmas programs, and the 8th grade show. But he's right---I am just too overwhelmed and need to quit. I am hoping I can make it thru til Christmas. I've already begun work on the show and I want to see it thru.

I have had ECT twice. June 2001 and again last year. Both times they gave up after 7 times because it didn't seem to be doing anything and even with the insurance---it costs a fortune. Sorry---I'm rambling on. Debbie

PS---I know the kids are okay if I'm gone---the problem is the sub usually does not know anything about music and it ends up being a babysitting job. Then when I get back---I am even more stressed because I am so far behind! No win.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 4:11am
((((((((((Debbie)))))))))) I wish I had something really helpful to say. Try to hang on and do talk to your doctor. I don't know how old you are but is there any chance you could be having hormones flucuations? I am in perimenopause and I have gotten really bad a few times and now know it was a hormone drop. I hope the juggling of your meds gives you some relief. I know how hard it is for you to miss work I used to work at an elementary school and have a friend that is a teacher but you have to take care of you right now. Please keep us posted. Hugs Mo

Maureen/Mo

If this was a real life it would have come with instructions.

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 8:34am
((((Debbie)))) As you know, I've just been where you are and I just couldn't do it anymore. The guilt around quitting was almost unbearable: feeling like I let the principal down, feeling like all the $$ pressure is on my husband's shoulders again, feeling bad for the kids who got a petition going to ask me to stay. And, of course, feeling like I "should have" just stuck it out or been able to control the classes. I guess the truth is that I COULD have done it, but it would have killed my soul. I think you are in the same situation: you love music like I love reading and you want to share that with others. But it sounds like this job is really too much stress for you. Can you work p/t? At least then you have your own classes, but it's not as much work as now. Could you take a leave of absence for a few days or a week to think about things?

I wish I could really help you, but I hope you are feeling a bit better today.

Love, Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 1:58pm
((((Debbie)))), my heart aches for you. My meds aren't working either and am currently going through the gamut of bloodwork, blah blah to rule out physical causes before they decide to change my meds .. in the meantime, they've upped the dosage. But, what do we do in the meantime?? Just how are we to feel this horrible and also live with the fear that they'll not find a solution for US. You're not alone, Debbie, and you CAN get through the worst of this .. you'll be ok .. we're here. Don't add guilt to the mix .. screw guilt! It's nothing but a self-destructive emotion. You have enough to cope with without talking yourself into guilt. Let yourself be your priority. I know, I know .. easier said than done .. it's something I struggle with sometimes, too .. not feeling as though I'm worth it .. we are, Debbie .. WE ARE.

Hugs,

Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 8:03pm
((((Debbie))) I wish I could be there to hold you right now. I also wish that you could realize how wonderful of a human I think you are. I know you have forgotten, but try and remember how many people love you.

You are a great teacher, and a sweet lady.

I have been a visitor in that dark place, I hope your visit is a short one.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Take care,

Lisa-)

Co-Cl Depression Support

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 11:00pm
You are all so wonderful and supportive. I am so tired I can't reply to everyone individually---so I'll just try to remember and respond to what I've just read.

Let's see---as of late August when I was at my med doc for a physical===no sign of going into menopause yet.

I have been on this 'ride' since 94. Before then I was fine.

Question-----has anyone else been diagnosed with treatment resistant depression? I just wondered how common it was. I know I always feel bad when I have to tell my doctor that I still feel bad. My actual diagnosis is severe treatment resistant depression with occasional bouts of psychotic depression thrown is (just for the heck of it LOL)

Unfortunatly---part time teaching wouldn't work. I am the full time music teacher---we have a part time due to the fact that the school is so large. That's one reason I barely have time to turn around. We could really use 2 full time music teachers!

I am on 5 different meds at the moment (not counting what I take for asthma). The co-pays really add up. Next year when I go back to just private lessons and subbing--we'll have to manage with my husbands insurance again. It stinks as far as mental health goes.

I feel like I am going in a dozen different directions right now and I hope this is making some sort of sense.

I should go see how the Cards are doing. My husband is at the game and he'll be in a bad mood if they lose. (not that that will happen!)

I suppose I have to go to school again tomorrow. Debbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 5:09am
Debbie: My love and many hugs and prayers going out to you. And I know the feeling of being off, then going back and having so much work to catch up on. The only reason I never took a leave of absence for my depression/anxiety back in 2002 as my therapist really wanted me too is I knew I would be worried the whole time about catching up when I got back as I could see my boss thinking, oh, she'll be back next month and can catch up then.

Is there any way you can take a medical leave for your mental health? I think at my work about more people take stress and depression and whatnot leaves than they do actual surgery or physical health problems. That would at least give you some income while you were off.

You are such a loving and caring and wonderful person, and I hope they can find the right mixture of meds to help you feel better. Hugs, Josie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 6:26am
Morning Josie, Yes---I could take a leave---I've done it before and I do get paid--until my sick days run out. I have 28 left. I actually have done it twice before. The only problem is---it is sooooo much work to get ready for a sub. Last time, I was such a nervouse wreck. My principal found someone who could do music. I worked on 2 weeks of lesson plans for her (the sub) I had her come in on my last day so I could show her where everything was. I worked and worked---and then left thinking all the material would be covered while I was gone. Unfortunately----2 days into the sub---the sub got sick and couldn't come back!! They couldn't find another music sub and my classes ended up watching movies and having study halls for almost 2 weeks! They didn't care----but it just made it so much worse for me when I got back! Oh well......

Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 12:08pm

Hi Debbie -


I have treatment-resistant depression (vs. cyclic depression vs bipolar type II) - of course, I want to understand WHY this is happening and WHAT the diagnosis actually is, but according to him, it doesn't matter at this point, all of the regular antidepressants aren't working so he started me on Lamictal (has antidepressant effects and is a mood stabilizer) and it FINALLY seems to be helping - some. I totally understand your feelings of frustration and hopelessness because it seems like every time I start to feel well for awhile, the bottom drops out again. So I'm hoping this new med works (I am already on 2 other antidepressants and 3 antianxiety meds) but of course, it's trial and error and time and if this doesn't work, he has a couple of others to try.


I am a workaholic and had a very hard time making the decision to change careers and go to part-time because I felt like a total failure (I did have to take a 6 month leave of absence at one point in the past and my attendance record was causing me problems also when i was taking "too many" sick days when I was depressed). But I've been at my new position for about 5 months now and I couldn't be happier. I still have feelings of guilt and failure, because the "old Sue" pops in and tells me I couldn't cut it and I'm a failure for making this change, but I try to bring the "new Sue" back, who made the change for more balance in her life, and at this point, who cares WHY I left, all that matters is that I feel less pressure - and can't imagine how I could work full-time at this point since my mood is still not stable.


Sorry for rambling - all I know is that once again a few weeks ago I was ready to throw in the towel, and now i'm starting to feel a little better, so am more optimisitc. So hang in there!


Lots of hugs,

peace and love,


just_a_big_kid


Sue

peace and love,

just_a_big_kid

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