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| Tue, 10-19-2004 - 7:37pm |
I think about how I was when I was 16. My father saw me walking down a street with a boy (who happened to be my bestfriend's boyfriend) who I bumped into on my way home from work. When I got home, my father got so angry at me and started yelling. Throughout my teen years, I was always home at 10 pm because it was my curfew. Next, when I was 17 years old, I started applying to colleges. I applied to very good schools in and out of state. I got into my #1 choice and it happened to be an out of state school (meaning i needed to dorm). My father was so infuriated that it was an out of state school that he did the regular yelling and how I was going to ruin my grades and party all night. What was worse is that he ripped the acceptance letter and threw it out in the garbage. I decided to accept a community college to be closer home and studied there for 2 years. The work was easy, so I took 19 credits and worked at the same time to save some money for the next step. Anyway, when I was in that community college, one of my professors spoke to me and encouraged me to apply to very good schools. So, I did behind my father's back, only my mother knowing. I begged and begged and even my mother spoke to him numerous times so I can go to these colleges. Eventually, I got accepted to each college I applied to and even got scholarship. After months of begging and the deadline coming, my mom said just go ahead and do it. So I accepted one school and am now studying here. I don't know why, but I really don't like hearing my father's voice or even talking to him. I just get so angry most of the time when I hear his voice. I'm just probably being a baby. Is this even normal?

I'm going to guess you're at least 20 or 21 years old. You're not a little girl anymore. You can come and go as you please and make a life for yourself as you see fit. Most parents would be proud of a daughter who worked hard in school and maintained good grades, but your father sounds like he will never be satisfied with anything you do. If allowed, he will destroy you emotionally and make you feel like you were never good enough.
It sounds like you have an ally in your mother. That's good. You need her. But start to distance yourself from your father. He's far too controlling, and you're old enough now that you shouldn't have to meet his expectations or ask his approval for anything. Understand that your father may always try to control you in some way for the rest of your life. He'll be able to do that if you let him. Be strong enough to love him, yet go on with your own life. If need be, let him know that you appreciate his concern, but that you're responsible for your grades and your school life, and from here on end, the rest of your life.
Hi and Welcome!
You are NOT being a baby and it certainly doesnt sound anywhere near like "normal" to me.
*hugs
Ditto on the previous two messages! Sounds like my mother! I never detached or had a rebellous phase during adolescence (like most of my friends did) and my mother loved it - we were totally enmeshed. So as I reached adulthood, she continued to want to be a constant part of my life, wanted me to do what she thought was best, and the worst thing is, she wasn't as obvious with the control issues and anger. Much more subtle and between the lines. And of course there was the money issue to hold over my head because she was supporting me financially when I was going to school. So when I fell in love, and detached at age 29 - well, she didn't take it well. We didn't talk for 9 months (her drinking didn't help matters because i fell in love with a recovering alcoholic).
Even now at the age of 42, she is STILL trying to control my life, and why? Because I open the door to let her! Still looking for the emotional support and approval that still hasn't arrived. Just last week i took an email that she wrote to me to my shrink and he admitted he was angry when he read it. On the surface it seemed like a perfectly nice and understanding letter in the beginning. But there was a
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid