Abusive relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Abusive relationship?
5
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 10:43pm
My husband has a very short temper, when we get into argument or fight he always said that I'm stupid and dumb. However, there are some instances that he slapped me in the head and pushed me but so far it never came to a pont of hitting or punching me with bruises and marks. Can you already consider this as physical abuse? I heard some couple also do some of these but is it normal? I read a few articles about the plight of battered wives and the tendency of becoming wife beater and according to them those men are usually insecure or jealous, does not allow their partner to go out or wear sexy clothes, manipulative and does not allow their partner to make some decisions, very strict with money and etc. So far my husband does not fit any of these and I must admit I do nag at him most of the times. Few days ago during our fight he pushed me again and I was so depressed and I'm already thinking of leaving him. He apologized and promised me he won't do it again and he will just leave the house when he feels that he can't control his temper. Although I agreed to give him another chance I dont really believe he can change that easy because I know its really hard to change. He is a good father and a good provider but I'm afraid it will come to point that I will become one of those women who almost killed by their husband. Please help me and give me some advice.
Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 10:02am
There is never, never, ever a time when anyone should hit you for any reason!!!!! That is abuse, period, no question about it. ANYTIME you are pushed, shoved, called names, or made to feel, worthless you are in an abusive relationship.

I've been there, sweetie. My ex-husband also had a "short temper" and never physically hit me because he knew I'd have him put in jail, but he was abusive emotionally and verbally to me as he could get. I lived with that for 17 years before I learned that what I was living with WAS actually abuse. I went through 4 months of abuse counseling to learn to understand what abuse really is. In a nutshell, if someone loves you they never, ever deliberately hurt you in any way.

There are two things I'm going to ask you to do. First, go to a bookstore or library and find the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. I promise it will open your eyes and give you strength. It talks not only about verbal abuse, but physical abuse, as well. Secondly, I want you to contact the domestic violence hotline in your area. Find out where they have support groups, and go to that group. You need the support and strength of others in order to learn coping skills.

You do not and should not have to live with abuse of any kind. I promise you that this behavior of your husband's will not change. The rate of success for abusers changing their pattern of behavior is 1%. Those aren't good odds. He may not abuse you every day or every week or every month; but any abuse is too much and it will continue and become worse as he learns to control you more and more. This behavior will be taught to any children you have. And you will become nothing but a shell of your former self.

I urge you to seek ways to help yourself. Turn to family members, counseling groups, and friends. Don't be afraid to speak up. Remember, it's your life. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life. Please let me know if I can help. (((HUGS)))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 4:29pm
Ok, lets clear one thing up immediatly. You are being abused, he is abusive. I know that how it feels to wonder. Am I bringing this on myself, is it really abuse, he doesn't punch me so does that mean he's NOT physically abusive? He is abusing you verbally and psycologically by saying your dumb and stupid, he is abusing you physically by slapping you and worst of all this is making you doubt your instincts that what he is doing is wrong! Trust yourself that you are right, you need to leave him.
Just to give you some background on me, I was married to an abuser for 11 years. I had four children with him and all the while he was a terror. But no one ever suspected, because, like your husband, he was a good provider, a responsible man who made it possible for me to stay home with our kids. Behind closed doors he was verbally abusive, calling me names, pushing me, slapping me, kicking me, locking me in a room for misbehaving. He restricted my every move. I was not allowed to even grocery shop without him. He never punched me, I never called the police...why would I, he never "beat" me.
But I was terrified of him. One day I read an article in the local newspaper, "The twelve signs of abuse" He fit every one of them. I was shocked.
My advice to you is to first get some support. Find out where the nearest womens crisis center is. I told my ex I was going to a crafting class and then would meet with a counselor to work on an escape plan. It takes time to disentangle yourself. Expect to feel doubt, guilt and fear. But always remind yourself that what he is doing is wrong, and it WILL GET WORSE! Once you leave, DO NOT RETURN. Nothing you may have to leave behind is worth your life. Start stashing things now, such as birth certificates, social security cards, even start saving change, you'll need every bit.
Also, as odd as this may sound to you, as I am sure you are a great mom, Do not leave your kids behind. I did, because I was desperate to get away from him. Now he has custody and I have to deal with him all the time. I should have run far and fast with my kids. A mistake I will always fight to correct, but will never be free of the guilt it has caused.
Take your kids, go somewhere new and do not contact him for any reason.
There is a great book out there that will help you understand what abuse is, etc. It's called "Why does he do that?" cannot remember the author, he's a psycologist that runs a program for men who have abused. It was a real eye opener for me, even 3 years after my divorce.
I am glad I saw yor post, because I have been thru this and know the damage abuse causes, I know the doubt in your mind, the confusion. You are not making him this way, it doesn't matter what you do, he has no right to hit you, insult you in any way. This is something that is wrong in his thought process and only a skilled therapist could, if ever, help him change. Most abusers never change and that is a documented medical fact.
Don't give up, and don't stay.
I will pray for you and if you need any support, please email me at cnsw4@yahoo.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 4:14pm
I hope I don't sound harsh, but I'm very serious about this - you're asking if you're really experiencing physical abuse, yet you're scared that you might be killed? I think you answered your own question. And what you described does indeed sound like a batterer - doing something like that to you and then apologizing for it - when he probably won't. You just don't do that to your wife - or anyone, for that matter- for any reason, let alone a bad temper. Calling you dumb or stupid is part of it too. That's the emotional/verbal abuse. And batterers are supposed to be charming...they really make you think they're sorry - and maybe they think they really are somehow - but those words aren't worth anything unless they act on them. Even if he doesn't do any of that to your kids and you think he's a "good father," it's really not true. Kids are affected by that stuff, even if you don't think they know what's going on, they might be listening in or something like that- children are very sensitive to those things. And that's based on research. So what I am basically saying is that he is 100% a batterer and dangerous and could get more dangerous. You could try looking up services for domestic violence in your area, like women's shelters, or a counselor or therapist. Or even tell anyone you trust for support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 12:42am
you poor thing, please seek help. yes, yes, yes, this is abuse, and do not allow yourself to consider this anything less than abuse.

do not allow your husband to consider this anything less than abuse, either.

get yourself help, meaning a shelter, first.

(if u can both get into marriage counseling, so that he can learn to understand

that this is abuse, then great)! but first take care of urself

there r numbers that doctors have, that state departments have, that tv and radio stations have that town and city departments have that u may call to find out what to do and where u may go.

if u r stating that u r afraid that he may kill u, then u know it is abuse, don't u???

please protect urself and ur kids.

who knows what is eating him? is he manic-depressive? is he passive-agressive?

who knows and who cares right now?

protect urself first!

good luck and let us know.

kitties

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2010
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 2:41pm
Hi there,

I was in an abussive relationship a few years ago and I know that it is hard! There is NO reason ever ever to get pushed or slapped, I don't care if there are no bruises that people can see, they are on your heart and spirit! Get info, books, support groups, etc. but my fear is that it will just escalate and get harder and harder to leave and you will get hurt. I know that it is easier to stay then leave. I have heard people say "oh she was so brave to stay with that abussive man" but in reality to me that is weak. I am not saying that you are weak, just giving you some encouragement to be a strong women and be safe, get out. I wish you the best of luck, keep in touch an dlet us know what evolves! Locate a womens group in your area I think that would be very beneficial.

Jen