Looking for help

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Looking for help
4
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 1:31pm
I'm new so pls forgive if this isn't the right place for this question. My DH was diagnosed with chronic depression 15 yrs ago. It has been a roller coaster ride for our family as he moved through different drugs & stages. Currently, he is on paxel. I wonder if there is anything someone can suggest to help us further. I'm a exhausted with the emotional load I am carrying. DH won't see a counselor as he feels that they know nothing. We tried in the past. He is angry most of the time, complains about everything and wants little to do with the rest of the world. I became the breadwinner, have raised our 3 kids mainly on my own and try to shelter him from as much as possible. His doctor says there isn't anything else we can do. He just keeps increasing the dose or changing the medication when things got bad enough that my husband agrees to a change. I love him and miss the balanced relationship we had in our early years and sometimes my old husband returns for a few hours or days and it gives me hope. But most of the time, I am the terrible witch ruining his life. He was home for 5 yrs then went back to work part time 6 yrs ago. He works 30 hrs a week, I work 60 to 70 hrs. He wants to retire next Spring & I feel that it is too soon. He is only 52 & we still have 2 DS in school. I can't retire for at least 7 yrs, more if he goes sooner. He says I am killing him making him work but I can't continue to handle the financial responsibility myself. All of our kids have had part-time jobs since 14 and the older two have paid for much of their education. Our oldest DS (working 2 jobs while in school)is angry with us. He feels I should make his Dad take more responsibility. He thinks I am killing myself for the family. My youngest doesn't remember the old Daddy and his teenage years have been challenging for me. My husband just ignores him when he acts out & I'm the one dealing with the school, counselors, etc. I tried counselling myself last year but their recommendation was to leave my husband. I can't do this. I love him & he needs me. Any words of wisdom??? Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
In reply to: deenow17
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 9:21am
(((Dee))) Welcome to the board. It is so sweet of you to post all of your concerns about your husband. It sounds like he is a lucky guy to have you. You work hard and worry about him. Have you guys done couples therapy? It sounds like he is letting his depression win. It also sounds like he is not getting how hard this is on you.

Keep posting to us. I am sure someone here will have been through this.

Read others post and perhaps give insight.

You will find every walk of life here. We are here to support and understand.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Take care,

Lisa-)

Co-CL Depression Support Board

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
In reply to: deenow17
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 12:11pm
Yes, we have tried couples therapy but we were told that he needed to work on his individual therapy before we could do the work as a couple. He found a counselor that heliked because he said that I was the problem & should agree to sell our home, quit my job and go live on a farm growning our own food. My DH is a city boy with country dreams, I grew up on a farm & know how much work it is. I increased my work hours to afford to buy a small run down property in the country for weekends & holidays. This turned out to be too much work for my husband to maintain. Now he says therapy is out because life would have worked if I had only made the permanent move. I know this isn't true but it is in his mind. I'm at a loss at how to help him understand how hard his illness is on the kids & I. He sees us as the reason for his illness or rather to be frank, our kids. He just wants me to himself. He really loves his kids but didn't have a lot of support himself when he was growing up. Parents loved him but their main focus was each other not their 5 kids. Thanks for listening, Dee.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: deenow17
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 2:55pm

Dee,


Having been in your shoes to a certain degree, I can relate to alot of what you are saying.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
In reply to: deenow17
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 10:52am
Thank you for your advice. I will track down the book you mentioned and try the site for more information. No 2 situations are the same & your response has given me something to think about. For the first 14 yrs of our married life, we were almost a perfect famly. My DH had a corporate job that sometimes restricted his being home for dinner but he rarely missed bedtime with the kids. We spent our weekends focusing on our kids. We coordinated their activities so we could both go to them and our family life was the centre of our world. When he got sick, he withdrew from everyone & with medication he can work & interact for a set period of time. The lasting problem of his illness is the anger. It's like he doesn't remember how to channel it apprioprately and it is verbally out of control. For example, 2 wks ago someone hit our daughter's car. They immediately accepted full responsibility and the car went into the body shop to be fixed. For 2 wks we have been walking on edge because he is so angry that this happened and then all his other thoughts come out about his life being ruined etc.. There is no logic in his anger. Yesterday, he felt great & offered to take my DS & I out for brunch (he doesn't like eating out but we do as a treat) and then we went to friends for a short visit. Unfortunately, this was too much for my DH and he became tired. This mean for 4 hrs of pleasure, we spent the rest of the day with him locked away from us or being angry about the other drivers, the pressures of the coming week, the impact of filling out his application for a passport, lack of good tv, etc.

I am very capable of surviving on my own with the kids, I know that. It wouldn't be a financial hardship like it would be for some women. However, I know that he loves us & we love him so I want to find ways to help us all. I need to stop my kids from worrying about Dad & acting like his caregiver. They need to focus on their growing up. I need to focus on tough love, it worked years ago when I threatened to take the kids & leave if he didn't accept that he needed his meds & stay on them. He has never quit taking them since then. Thanks, this has helped me stop feeling sorry for myself & given me some actions to take.