People hurt
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People hurt
| Sat, 10-23-2004 - 1:58pm |
Ugh, I think I'm extra emotional because of pms. I was telling my mother last night that I started Wellbutrin. She was actually trying to be supportive. Somehow I turned it around and was telling her about ways she hurt me when I was younger - being critical of me, how I would feel when she'd get really angry and bring out her gardening sticks to hit me and my brother and I would lock myself in another room, how once she even chased me with a steak knife. She was trying to give possible reasons to explain herself, saying she wasn't perfect and that I "must" forgive her. But I stopped forgiving her a long time ago when I realized she would just keep hurting me again and again. And I realized that all through my life people hurt me. I would play by myself in elementary school. The other kids made fun of me for being skinny, being weak. The one person I was sort of close to my mother babysat, but she didn't really value me. In junior high I guess I sort of had friends that I didn't stay in touch with. In high school I didn't feel my friends valued me, nor early in college. I'm not even sure about the college friends I still have. I'm not the kind of person that keeps in touch. I have a hard time with it. It just gives me anxiety whenever I think of calling someone or writing to them, though I try every so often. I don't know what to say a lot of the time and I hate uncomfortable silences. I guess I really don't think anybody really cares. They always value me less than they do each other. I don't feel close to anybody but my boyfriend. I don't think I really know how to be without seeming weird. Does anyone have advice?

My point is, if you have a lot of things you need to get off your chest, I hope you are in therapy, so a therapist can help you with that. I have written letters that will never be mailed and pages and pages in my journal. also, for me, going to Alanon and hearing other people's childhoods were traumatic too, and how are they recovering, helps me.
I am also learning who safe people are to have as "friends" and who unsafe people are. The one I cut out of my life after 12 years or so as she was repeatedly hurtful to me, and it just wasn't worth it anymore.
Don't know if anything I shared helped, but someone on the board is always here to listen and hold your hand, take care, hugs, Josie.
Hey -
I really identified with how you felt growing up. And I had a toxic mother, but it was much more subtle than what you went through. She acted like she was interested in my life, but was (and still is) really narcissistic and emotionally unavailable. I finally realized it as an adult when i would try to tell her something that was happening with me, and she had the amazing ability to turn it around and make it be all about her!
As mentioned before, therapy and Al-Anon have been life-savers for me. I always thought I was the only one who had the thoughts that I did until I walked into an Al-Anon meeting and listened to what others said. And for the first time, I felt like i had come home.
I had been really resistant to journaling until recently. Still don't do it everyday, but when I start obsessing about something, writing it down gets it out of my head. Also, I have a terrible time with anger. It has always been an unacceptable feeling for me, so I had (and still do have) A LOT of suppressed and repressed anger toward my family. Unfortuntely, I have this tendency to take it out on myself rather than express it in a healthy manner. Just tonight i beat up my steering wheel with my right hand and it's now swollen and bruised;. Second time this past week. Guess I have anger issues. Something to talk about in therapy tomorrow.
Oh my G-d, I just realized I'm turning into my mother!!! (grin). Here, I'm trying to give you suggestions by sharing my experience, but I'm really making it about me. Sorry about that! Hope some of it was helpful!!
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid
Sue
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid