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| Sun, 10-24-2004 - 11:09pm |
Friday night I came home from work wanting nothing more than to eat pizza and sit around and do nothing (what we usually do on Fridays). But for some reason I flipped out on my family. My kids were spilling drinks everywhere, food everwhere, toys everywhere. The place was filthy and I couldn't stand it any more. After a lot of yelling I sent them upstairs and I cleaned the whole downstairs in flurry.
Saturday morning I had decided to take my girls to story time at the book store and they started complaining about everything and the next thing I know I'm calling them ingrates and slamming the bedroom door, leaving them in tears. I rallied myself up, tried to make peace with them, and the rest of the day was ok, until dinner when I was preparing my daughter's plate and dropped a baked potatoes, causing the soda to spill (that's the 10th time this week). I was so angry with myself I threw my fork on the table and walked away. I worked very hard on a nice dinner and it was ruined.
And today it seemed like everything just made me angry. We decided to go to church and I put the girls in tub and they just kept playing around and not washing, so I started yelling AGAIN and made them go to their rooms and dress themselves. Told my husband that we're not going to church if they're going to act like that, blah blah blah.
The sad part is, I know my girls are not doing anything differently or wrong. It's me. Something is wrong with me. And I hate this feeling and I'm ashamed of myself. They are easy targets and have no clue what's going on when I'm in a tirade. I feel so horrible.
The past few weeks have been a nightmare. My father (who lives with us) had open heart surgery a month ago and i've been dealing with that, my office moved last week and I'm dealing with that, helping my absentee boss prepare for a murder trial, and office politics.
I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow.

I guess my point is, that you need to be sure you are taking time for yourself, even if it is a walk or bath or time for reading a book in a quiet room, whatever it is you like to do. An hour away from "Mommy this" or "Mommy that" or even "Honey where is the?" is helpful. And by all means see your Dr.
I hope things do get better for you.
But you know what sucks? My DH sees a counselor every few weeks and this man told my husband that his being lazy and taking naps on the sofa all day sunday do more for him than any medication, because he works so much. Excuse me, but when do I get my break???
I used to like his therapist too. Now I feel like hating him.
Lord?? Give me strength please?
Take care