Something snapped

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Something snapped
4
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 11:09pm
I had a very bad weekend. Something inside my head has changed. I've been through this before so I know what's coming. I need to get to a doctor.

Friday night I came home from work wanting nothing more than to eat pizza and sit around and do nothing (what we usually do on Fridays). But for some reason I flipped out on my family. My kids were spilling drinks everywhere, food everwhere, toys everywhere. The place was filthy and I couldn't stand it any more. After a lot of yelling I sent them upstairs and I cleaned the whole downstairs in flurry.

Saturday morning I had decided to take my girls to story time at the book store and they started complaining about everything and the next thing I know I'm calling them ingrates and slamming the bedroom door, leaving them in tears. I rallied myself up, tried to make peace with them, and the rest of the day was ok, until dinner when I was preparing my daughter's plate and dropped a baked potatoes, causing the soda to spill (that's the 10th time this week). I was so angry with myself I threw my fork on the table and walked away. I worked very hard on a nice dinner and it was ruined.

And today it seemed like everything just made me angry. We decided to go to church and I put the girls in tub and they just kept playing around and not washing, so I started yelling AGAIN and made them go to their rooms and dress themselves. Told my husband that we're not going to church if they're going to act like that, blah blah blah.

The sad part is, I know my girls are not doing anything differently or wrong. It's me. Something is wrong with me. And I hate this feeling and I'm ashamed of myself. They are easy targets and have no clue what's going on when I'm in a tirade. I feel so horrible.

The past few weeks have been a nightmare. My father (who lives with us) had open heart surgery a month ago and i've been dealing with that, my office moved last week and I'm dealing with that, helping my absentee boss prepare for a murder trial, and office politics.

I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 3:26pm
I completely understand how you feel about lashing out on your kids who are totally innocent. I do the same thing & it kills me afterwards, but it's too late, the hurt is already there...
Avatar for lizmc3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 3:46pm
Your expierence reminds me of when I knew when I was starting to go down hill. My depression episisodes would always start with episodes of irritability where I would be yelling and snapping and getting upset at the smallest things. I would call my doctor and tell her the "screaming shrew" was back. I hated it, I could see it happening but felt helpless to stop it. My kids didn't know what was going on, my DH fortuanately was clued in at some point. I've been doing pretty well for the past year or two in that I've not had any severe episodes, but I'm well medicated (ha). However, my kids had a three week fall break the end of September and the first two weeks of October. My DH was gone the first week and my parents were here the second week. We were in the middle of decidning on a new house to buy and needed to sign the contract. (MY parents are moving in with us). By the end of the 3rd week of break the screaming shrew was back. This time around the kids were older and started sensing things were not right, they picked up on my "stressed voice" as they called it and knew that something was going to happen. I finally got my DH to take them out one night and had the house to myself which I hadn't had in 3 weeks. I called my therapist to make an appointment for the following week. The weekend was strained, the kids were gun shy but things did get better. I was able to apologize to the kids and explain that I was not angry with them, that my depression tended to express itself as irritability at times. gist of the matter was, I had taken NO time for myself in those 3 weeks and I'm the kind of gal that needs time to herself to regroup. My eating and sleep patterns were way off. I had thrown myself out of kilter. I saw my therapist, realized what the problem was and found some time for myself, and things are better.

I guess my point is, that you need to be sure you are taking time for yourself, even if it is a walk or bath or time for reading a book in a quiet room, whatever it is you like to do. An hour away from "Mommy this" or "Mommy that" or even "Honey where is the?" is helpful. And by all means see your Dr.

I hope things do get better for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 7:19pm
I made my appointment. I go Tuesday morning.

But you know what sucks? My DH sees a counselor every few weeks and this man told my husband that his being lazy and taking naps on the sofa all day sunday do more for him than any medication, because he works so much. Excuse me, but when do I get my break???

I used to like his therapist too. Now I feel like hating him.

Lord?? Give me strength please?

Avatar for lizmc3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 9:16pm
That does suck. We just have to find a way to make time for ourselves. We have to give ourselves permission to be selfish and just take the time somehow. If you have to pay someone to watch the kids and can afford to, then do it. I felt bad spending the money last week on a massage, but darn it, I gave and gave to everyone for 3 weeks straight without getting anything back. I deserved it. I actually used money I had made subbing last month at my kids school so it's not like I took it out of the kids mouth or anything. Don't know what the deal is with your dh and the couch on Sundays, but if he's going to stay home on Sunday and be on the couch then leave the kids with him and go, don't ask, just do it.

Take care