How many of you feel like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
How many of you feel like this?
9
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 11:37am
I was wondering how many of you feel it's a struggle to be around anyone.

Christine

CL

Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 12:13pm
What is "normal" or "abnormal" about you, Christine? I mean, what is it that you think would frighten someone off if they lived with you? You're a pretty woman, and you have a very sweet and gentle-looking face. Why would anyone be afraid of "what you're really like, especially if they love you?"

We all have quirks. I'm discovering that I don't live well with others. I like my space and my privacy. I was an only child, so I'm used to having time and space to myself. When I have to share that time and space, I get agitated, which can trigger my depression. I don't want to always live alone, so I'm going to have to design ways to overcome that. AND...most importantly, the person I choose to live with is going to have to accommodate my quirks in some ways, as well. If not, then we aren't meant to be.

Like you, I never thought I could take care of a child. It terrified me to think that I would be responsible for another human life; what with depression and anxiety and all kinds of things running rampant in my life. I became pregnant unexpectedly, so I had no choice. And having a baby became the greatest joy of my life. The baby gave me focus like I'd never had before. My depression and anxiety cleared up during my pregnancy and for 6 years afterward, and was only triggered again by a move that took me away from my home town.

Don't defeat yourself. You're seeing failure where there hasn't been any. Don't see your disorder as a handicap that can't be overcome. Instead, look a little deeper at why you think it would be hard for you to be married or have children. The reasons might be simpler than you first thought; and once revealed you might be able to find ways to cope or accommodate them. (((HUGS)))

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Avatar for all_girls4me
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 12:14pm
Yes, it's very scary. I'm 37, married with 3 small daughters and some days I just wanna go hide because I think I'm the worst mother and wife. At this point in time DH and I also are not getting along great, so that causes even more of a problem.

BUT......there is nothing like a child's smile or "I love you mommy." to brighten up your day.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 1:39pm

ddlnj...I just wanted to cry when I read your response. You are so right.

Christine

CL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 2:45pm
I TOTALLY feel like this...its a huge struggle for me to be around people...even at work...the depression problems kept me in my hole and I could barely take care of myself...my husband had to take care of my son and the house, and well, basically everything...I tried to stay away from my family (mom and dad and brother's family) as much as I could...and that's how I lost what friends I did have. And now that I'm starting to come OUT of the depression, this type of behavior seems to be all I know...its hard to break the habits and actually get out of the house and be around people...I haven't figured this one out yet. I guess it will all come in time, I don't know. I hope so. I'd like to live again.

k.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 4:14pm
Part of my problem is that I'm terrified of depression.

Christine

CL

Avatar for tinybuns
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 5:11pm
I totally agree with what "ddnlj" had to say...............

I got married young, only 1 month shy of 19. I knew I was not mature enough to handle a child. I wasn't, I had a huge self-esteem problem that only got worse with marriage. Now there was no way to avoid my husband from seeing the "real" me. Would he still love me? The first yrs of our marriage were horrible. Me being very insecure about him, was he where he told me he was, was he doing what he told me he was?????????, etc........

I HAD to stop accusing him or he would leave, so I kept everything inside & developed an Eating Disorder. I had my daughter & only child while fully active in my ED. With help from above, she was perfect. I struggled for yrs searching for help for my ED. I've been in recovery for 8 yrs. now and my daughter is 22. I wish things had been different in those earlier yrs, but....that is in the past now. I still have days when I just wish I could be all alone. But I wouldn't trade being alone for them. They are the most precious part of my life. I've worked hard to get where I am today and will continue to work hard to keep this life of mine.

NO.............it is not perfect, and yes sometimes I do hide, by curling up in a blanket on the couch when I can. Have been married 31 yrs. & my husband has been my greatest ally. He is my rock that I hold on to, but not too tightly, he needs "his" space just as much as I need mine. As for my duaghter? She seems to have escape all of this and I pray to the good Lord that she remains free of this crippling thing. (it is know to run in families). She stands her ground for herslef and knows what she wants & doesn't want.

Left a boyfriend of 6 yrs. because what he wanted was not what she wanted. I am so very proud of her. I was never like that at her age.

So I just take each day as it comes and try to do my best with it and fight for the happiness that I deserve. Yes...it is very hard, but worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 6:59pm

Hi Christine!


I posted my response to your note on the Tuesday roll call!


peace and love,

just_a_big_kid

Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 10:13am
Remember what you told me yesterday? If you're not getting what you need, then it's not good for you.

If your boyfriend is not supportive and can't understand what your needs are, then he may not be good for you. The fact that he saw you cry and is trying to understand may be a breakthrough, but he has to understand that this is part of you and if he's going to love you he has to accept this.

Don't look to other people to understand depression. Unless someone has suffered from it, they can't understand. Think of it like this. You read in the paper than a young mother has lost her child to a horrible accident. You can empathize with her and think "oh, how awful", but unless you yourself have lost a child, you can't feel her pain.

Same with depression. Unless someone has suffered this illness, they can't understand what it's like. And many people still believe it's a figment of the imagination. They don't believe it's a real illness. You and I know it's real, because we suffer from it; and that's why it's up to us to help ourselves. You know you need medication; so you take it, regardless of what anyone else thinks. You wouldn't stop taking insulin if you were a diabetic, right? Depression is no different. It's a chemical imbalance that needs to be corrected with medication. And that's why there is nothing to be ashamed of. Shame just adds to the weight of the depression.

What I've discovered is the more people I tell about my illness, the less heavy it feels. All my co-workers know I take anti-depressants. They know I was hospitalized for depression for 4 days last month. They've been very supportive. My dad is the one who took me to the hospital. He's been very supportive. My SO is the only one who couldn't handle it, and that leaves me less than trusting of him right now.

If you are taking meds and are still feeling bad, you need to see your doctor again and see if there is something that will improve things for you. You shouldn't have to live like this all the time. Bouts of depression come and go, but you should get some relief with medication.

Like you, I want to be alone, but I want to be with someone. I've never minded being by myself, but I don't like to be alone. Does that make sense? I know what you mean. It's a confusing feeling. I'm only now trying to come to terms with it and figure out how I can live with it without driving myself and other people crazy.

You're a sweetheart, Christine, and I don't think there's any reason you should be lonely or alone. It may take a few more trips to the doctor, and a bit more understanding from others, and some soul searching of yourself, but I think you're going to find a happy point in your life. LOTS OF HUGS

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 2:40pm
You give great advice ddnlj!

Christine

CL