new here - trigs?
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 10-27-2004 - 1:17pm |
DH and I had some really bad problems in the past. He had some issues and some growing up to do when we first got married. He was making calls to phone sex lines and continually denied it and became angry with me for not trusting him until I found proof. (I happened to be pg with our first child at this point.) He was remorseful at first and the calls stopped for a few months. Apparently, it's something he had been doing since he was a teenager. But I still thought he was doing it bc there was something wrong w/ me. It's not like I wasn't giving him enough- at the time we were doing something sexual about twice a day. Still, I felt like I must not be enough for him. Anyway, over time, my drive drastically decreased. The phone calls started up again. Again he was sorry. But as time went on, it became harder and harder for me to trust him. Still, we did have more good times than bad times. Our DD was born and things seemed great for awhile. But, when DD was 2 wks old, my dad was diagnosed w/ lung cancer. 4 wks later, we lost him. I was devastated and became severely depressed, as did my mom. DH couldn't handle dealing w/ my depression or my need to care for my mom. I didn't realize it at the time though. He started looking at internet porn. I found out and confronted him. He started blaming me for his behavior. Lots of other things happened that I had a hard time dealing with, but I won't go into that now. Anyway, I went on Zoloft and things started looking up. (Except for the fact that it made me gain 30 pounds!) But, it was too little improvement too late. One day, DH announced to me that he was still in love w/ his ex GF and was not in love w/ me. My world was shattered. I had been insecure in the past and accused him of still having feelings for her, but I never really felt that he was actually still in love w/ her, so I wasn't prepared for that kind of news. I went to stay w/ my mom for a few days. He drove 600 miles to see ex GF to sort out his feelings. When he got home, he called me at my mom's and told me that he was in love w/ me and not her. I asked what changed, he said he had gone to see her and "she's not you." After that I felt more secure than I had in a long time. He had finally achieved some sort of closure on his previous relationship. Fast forward 6 months. My mom is ill. It seems that every other weekend we're driving 500 miles so I can go help her out. That gets old really fast, so she comes to stay with us. DH has trouble adjusting. Once again tells me he's not in love w/ me. Nothing to do with "her" this time. "It shouldn't be so hard to be happy." I drive mom home and stay with her for awhile. He sorts his feelings out. He misses me and DD. We go home to him. He gets his head out of his a$$. Things improve. Anyway, he tells me that when he thought he was in love w/ "her", it was really that he was in love w/ that time in his life. No responsibilities, no committments- if he didn't like the way things were going, he could just leave with little or no guilt. Life was much easier then. He only had to worry about himself. He realized that he just needed to grow up. Over time, he grew into a loving, responsible husband and father. But I still couldn't let go of his past mistakes. Anytime there was any kind of "strange coincidence" in his life (and there have been alot, but I won't go into them), I would assume he was doing something wrong. Over the years, he's struggled on and off with a possible addiction to porn (just looking at pics- no chat rooms or cybersex or anything...), but, other than that he hasn't really done anything wrong. Yet I still can't shake the past. And it's been 5 years since the last time he thought he wanted to leave me. And we've had 2 DS's since then. The last few months, my depression and insecurity have been worse than ever. My mom passed away unexpectedly at Christmas time last year. I was about 3 months pg at the time. I've felt guilty about not treating her as well as I could have. DH wasn't able to grieve her loss right away bc he had to be strong for me. A few months later, he became depressed. I got scared bc the only other times I had seen him like that were when he wanted to leave. He was talking alot to a woman at work who is younger and in better shape than me. I assumed he had feelings for her and he was depressed bc of it. He says that's not the case. He just finally started to break down bc of stress at work and missing my mom and worrying about me. He went on meds for a short time and quickly snapped out of it. He's been wonderful to the kids and me. He does so much for us. And, when I look in his eyes, I can see that he loves me. I often catch him looking at me the way he did when we first fell in love. But, I'm still insecure. DH is a musician/songwriter, and I recently found two songs that seemed to refer to the woman at work that he had become friends with. I lost it. DH said they're not about her. Alot of times his songs really aren't about anyone in particular. Looking back at alot of his past songs, I know that to be true. So, I shouldn't be bothered by these two songs. I know it's just my imagination running wild. But I can't help it. DH is very hurt bc he thinks I don't believe that he loves me. He also feels helpless bc I'm so unhappy and he wants to "fix" me but he can't. I don't want to keep hurting DH and the kids, but I don't know how to get out of this rut. I don't want meds bc 1.I'm BF 3.5 mo DS and 2.they made me gain weight last time, and I'm already insecure about my appearance. I just don't know what to do. In addition to the problems w/ DH, I live in constant fear of something bad happening to him or the kids. Perhaps bc when I was 9 years old, one of my best friends was killed when she was run over by a schoolbus. I don't know... I just want my life back. I'm a college educated woman who always thought she'd have it all- career, kids, husband... now I don't even have the energy or the motivation to clean my house and play with my kids. I want to get better before I ruin my family. I can already see some of the effects of my unhappiness on my DD. I want to stop this all before I cause any more damage. If you made it this far, thanks for listening!
Edited 10/27/2004 1:24 pm ET ET by mom2toriaandconnor

Yes I'm still here! And I agree that just going on meds will not necessarily "fix" things for you. Therapy on the other hand, if you are not already seeing someone, could do wonders! You have a lot of stuff going on in your head and an objective therapist can help you sort out your feelings and thoughts. Just a suggestion.
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid
Therapy can help emmensely........but I wouldn't discount medication altogether.
Not all of them cause you to gain weight. I have tried so many different anti-depressents and have found that none of them put weight on me. It takes trial & error.
It is fustrating trying to find the right one. But just tell your doctor you want one that doesn't cause weight gain. There are some that even can cause you to lose your appetite, althou it may only be temporary.
You DO have an awful lot going on right now, and therapy may help you put things in perspective. I would greatly encourage you to try the therapy route & see what happens. You have to do something before matters become worse.
All the luck in the world to you & your family. But you can see that things are not right so do something about it. You have the power to change things.
Hugs & Love...............Julie