Had to tell supervisor
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Had to tell supervisor
| Thu, 10-28-2004 - 3:35pm |
My internship supervisor actually confronted and asked me what was going on with me, why I would forget things or not seem to hear certain things...and I ended crying and telling him that I was seeing a school counselor and just started medication. I feel so awful about it. My counselor even suggested that I tell my supervisor the last time I saw her, but I told her I didn't want to. Then he brings it up all by himself. That's too much of a coincidence. I know he said it was okay and that "we'll get through this", but I don't know if I believe him, if I trust him. He said he could tell that I was depressed because of his job experience, but that others wouldn't notice because I "hide it well." That just made me feel like crap. "Hide it well"? What does that mean? Like I've got this big horrible secret that I'm keeping from everyone. Like I'm a leper or something. And I felt physically sick on top of that. He let me go home. I still feel sick and maybe that's making me feel worse about it than I would, I don't know. It's just so embarrassing to have to admit that and I know it shouldn't be...but it is. I'm going to feel so self conscious around him now. I hate this. I have to be there for the rest of the school year, too. I think I've been like this as far as I can remember...and somehow I got through it and didn't cause too much damage to my life...or did I? If it really does get better, I wonder if it's much of a change? Will it be a big difference? I wouldn't mind getting a personality overhaul. I think I need it. I'm sick of trying to be social when I'm not, sick of trying to pay attention in class over and over again when I can't, sick of just feeling like I can't make it through life being the person I am. And I'm feeling sorry that my boyfriend got stuck w/ someone like me. I don't want to drag him down too. Why can't it all just go away? Why can't I just fall into a deep sleep and not have to worry about all of this? I don't want to think about it anymore. Any of it.

Sweetie, I understand exactly how you feel. I have been very resistant to telling my supervisor at work about my depression, despite discussing it with my therapist and sponsor. I haven't been there long and I'm afraid that I will be under the microscope when they find out. And so far, I've been great at "hiding it" - putting on my "work face" and acting as if I am fine, then by the time I get home, I am wiped out and usually start crying as soon as I get in the car. It is something I need to come to terms with soon, because the depression is affecting my work - I am three weeks behind in my reports, and it's starting to become noticable.
The last time I had a really bad depression, 4 years ago, I was in a job that I had been in for 4 years, so everyone knew me really well, and I had a good "excuse" for being depressed - the death of my life partner. This time, I don't have a good reason. Which, despite knowing this is a disease, I still
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid