Where's My Willpower?
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| Fri, 10-29-2004 - 5:34pm |
For over a year I've debated whether or not to take medication for my depression. "Just because I'm depressed doesn't mean I'm chemically imbalanced," I'd tell myself. As if I had the money or even the inclination to have some expense CAT-scan to find out. I just needed to focus, get back in the game.
Our society prides itself on pulling one's self up by one's bootstraps, on hard work and dedication, on refusing to give up. For God's sake I'm not trying to run a marathon or start my own business, I just want to walk into a room with a smile on my face. How f-ing hard could it be?
I saw people with so much life and energy. Even after finding out that one such role model was actually on anti-depressants, I naturally assumed it was for some other deeper darker demon...it couldn't be that she was "just sad."
Where's my willpower? Why can't I just go for that walk like my therapist recommends? Why can't I just walk up to that cute guy in the bar and say hi? Why can't I share with my friends a silly story about the day I had? Why can't I at least pretend that I'll have a good time at that party?
Depression for me is like playing freeze-tag. No matter how much I want to try and move, I can't. There are so many things that I want to do, say, try, feel, but this pressure is holding me back. So I can only watch in silence and hope someone comes to "unfreeze" me.
The problem with this analogy, however, is that salvation comes from the outside. I can't unfreeze myself. Something inside me tells me that I should be able to, but I don't know what that something is, how to harness it, or certainly how to use it.
Instead, I did nothing. Nothing externally. Internally I was constantly criticizing and demoralizing myself for not having morphed into this wonderful, spiritual, happy, fun person. Gee, I wonder why it didn't work!
And then I got tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of the "sameness" of my life. Tired of not being free. Tired of watching my life pass me by. So here I am, changing my life, all by the simple act of taking a little pill.
I don't know if it will help. I don't know if I'll ever stop worrying about not doing it "on my own". But I know this, I'm doing something. And for the first time in a long time, I have something to look forward to. Me.

Well, I checked out your profile, and after reading what you do and your favorite quote, I understand your dilemma now!
You are SO much like how I was approximately 13 years ago, when I was a pediatric resident and had my first major depressive episode. I spent months in agony, convinced that resorting to medication was a sign of weakness and that I should be able to get over it through therapy alone. Well, I finally caved in when I couldn't stand it any longer (and no one could stand to be around me - LOL!), and started medication (Prozac had recently come on the market at that point) and I was
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid
I am actually one person who meds have not worked. I have tried 9 different ones, and several combinations. But none of them worked. But I am very supportive of any and all methods to rid people of this wretched disease.
Welcome again.
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
Co-CL Depression Support Board