Hospitalization? (triggers)
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| Sun, 10-31-2004 - 11:00pm |
It has been a while since I have written. My life is an emotional roller coaster. I feel I have hit the bottom of a pit which I cannot crawl out of, and have begun digging. I have been on medication. Most recently, Lexapro, which caused me to gain a lot of weight (just what a depressed person needs, an antidepressent that makes her fat). I saw a therapist a couple of times, but stopped seeing her when it became clear she wasn't really listening to what I was saying, and wasn't being at least a little sympathetic to my problems. Recently I took myself off the Lexapro because I got tired of not being able to wear a pair of pants one week, then not even be able button them the next. I had hoped that I could get by with just taking the OTC med SAMe, and trying to keep my emotions and feelings in check. It didn't work. One day I got up to go to work, and after my SO left to go to his work, I got in my car and drove, with the intention of not coming back, not alive at least. Two hours later, and in another state, I ended up calling my SO and telling him that I had left, and that I didn't intend to come back. He talked me into letting him meet me somewhere so we could talk. We did, and I came back home with him. Since then, I ride into work with him (our offices are not far from each other). Also since then, I have seen a psychiatrist, who put me on another medication. I really liked her, and really hope she can help me. When we explained my background and what had recently happened (my SO went with me, which I was grateful for), she said that I am definitely really sick and need help. She said that if it weren't for my SO wanting to help me get through this by being so supportive, she would recommend I go in the hospital.
I hate the way I feel. Having to second guess most things I say and do, no matter how small or insignificant they are. Not enjoying things like I used to. Feeling like I am getting better one minute, then feeling like everything's hopeless and useless the next. My question is, is there anyone who has experience who can tell me what hospitalization entails? It took a lot for me to go on medication, then see a therapist, and then finally face the fact that I needed to see a psychiatrist. I feel that giving in to being hospitalized will completely break me, and my spirit. It will be final evidence to myself that I am a failure. I put myself through college, and have a good paying job. I am young, and am afraid of what being hospitalized will do to my career. There are still so many people who look down their noses at others who need help with their problems, even if those peoples' problems are not completely of their own doing. I used to consider myself bright, intuitive, and creative; in fact, most people who know me still see me as being all those things. I, though, now feel I cannot meet a challenge, I can't think straight, and I can't stay focused. I feel I have worked hard to get where I am, and by being hospitalized, I will be throwing it all away.
Can anyone enlighten me? I apologize for my message being so long. Your help would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Cleocleopatra

If you need the hospital, go...they really helped me. They saved my life.
Hugs,
Keli
Thanks so much for the encouragement. I am very glad to hear that things are better for you. I just worry about what being hospitalized is like. I know someone who attempted suicide and was hospitalized, and from what my friend tells me, while you are hospitalized they drug you up and you have discussions with groups and psychiatrists. I just don't really see how that can help, besides it taking you away from the things/people in your life that are causing/intensifying your depression. I am really hoping I will not have to consider the hospital. As I mentioned, after my last very low episode a few weeks ago, I have seen a psychiatrist who actually listened to, and seemed to understand, what I had to say. Since the major downside of the Lexapro I was taking was the extreme weight gain, which caused me to stop taking it all together, my new doc put me on Wellbutrin XL. She said that normally she would not give this med to someone as sick as me, but with my frustrations concerning weight gain (my family tends to have trouble keeping weight off), she would let me try it. I have had some down times since I started taking it a week and a half ago, but know that as with any medication, it takes time for the full affects to kick in.
As for sharing my condition with my coworkers, I have often considered it. The problem is though, that there will some who truly understand and will be completely supportive; and then there will be others who will be understanding and supportive for a couple of days or weeks, but will then somehow use the knowledge against me. I've already had that to happen with one of my supervisors. When I first went on presc med a while ago, I decided to let her know, in hopes of her being understanding. For a while, she made me feel okay with my decision to tell her, because she seemed to be truly concerned. Then, unfortunatley, I figured out that when she would ask me about how I was doing, she was really only trying to soften me up before asking me about things that were going on within the office. I felt betrayed, and like the office narc. I stopped talking to her about my condition. If she asks how I am, I give her a short, non-informative answer, and nothing else.
I apologize for getting off the main subject. It's just hard to decide if you want to share what you are going through, because once you share, there is no turning back. The information becomes public knowledge.
Thanks again for being so encouraging.
Hugs,
Cleocleopatra