ups and downs (tirggers)
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| Mon, 11-08-2004 - 6:29pm |
Hi everyone. Haven't been around lately - too depressed! (I know, not a good excuse around here!)
Depression really kicking my butt last week. Not getting my paperwork done at my job - starting to get noticed. Then had an emotional weekend - anniversary of my late life-partner and myself. We had been together almost 8 years when she committed suicide almost 5 years ago. So I wasn't surprised at my emotional response to everything. What I'm really not happy about is the fact that for the 3rd time in a month I started hitting the steering wheel of the car in a fit of rage on Saturday. First just started out as a release of the anger, but then as before became an intent to hurt myself. I have done this in the past but always alcohol related. This year/past month not alcohol-related because I don't drink anymore (except for a very brief relapse 85 days ago).
Today I woke up and had energy to burn - problem was that I couldn't channel it into anything productive (recently started cycling into hypomania - before I was always just depressed - amy have Bipolar II), and was really angry with myself as usual, and had thoghts of banging up my hand again (it's still bruised and swollen from Saturday) but I didn't. I called my sponsor instead. But I'm concerned about these self-destructive thoughts. I don't have any suicidal thoughts or any strong desire to drink, but I'm very frustrated.
SO, when I can't concentrate on other things, I remembered that I would come to this board, so here I am, back and hopefully will be checking in more regularly, because I have missed you all.
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid
Sue

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sue)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
If you are going to start beating on things.
I have done the hitting pillows, wastebaskets work too, except, I bruised my wrists, and once when I didn't pound the wastebasket, I kicked them around the room, I did those both with my therapist, she even stood up and kicked it herself, she was enjoying it too I think.
take care, we are always here for you, hugs, Josie.