Not doing too well (triggs?)
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| Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:48am |
Hello all, sorry I haven't been around as much or as supportive as I'd have liked lately. I am really struggling. Actually I crashed and burned pretty hard the last few days. I am for the moment rational again and as someone I know puts it "still on the right side of the grass".
I see my therapist and they are squeezing me in to see my Psychiatrist tomorrow too. One of the few benefits of living in a tiny rural comunity. My dh also suffers from PTSD or at least that is one of his diagnoses. The psychologist I pressured him into seeing thinks he may be have Bi-Polar disorder ( I have been telling his Doctors that for years) anyway the psychologist wants him to see the same Psychiatrist that I see for an evaluation. The VA doc may not like it but I don't care anymore. He is manic one or two months out of the year and depressed and anxious the rest. I can't live like this anymore. Because of my PTSD I struggle with depression and anxiety and I fight so hard to be up and functional but I can't maintain it when he sits and blasts the TV and doesn't talk or want to go anywhere for months on end. I have to push him to tell his DR if the meds aren't working and to even show up for his appointments. I had to more or less force him to see the psychologist on top of dealing with my own stuff and taking care of all the household stuff. When he was manic he started to remodel our bathroom three years ago it is still not finished. Then he decided to start on the livingroom he tore all the moulding down and left it. Plus our bedroom is in serious need of work but again no progress. This from a former maintenacnce man and painter and cabinet maker.
I have no friends here and my only family here is one son I see maybe once a month. The high point of my month is the all day trip to Wal Mart we make once or twice a month. No movies, no evenings out, we don't go visit our kids or go away for the weekend like we did a long time ago. We have absolutely no life. Nada. If it wern't for my computer the only person I would talk to is my therapist.
There are other issues but you get the idea. Friday night after he was asleep was the closest I have come to just ending it. I managed to hold on and finally called and talked to the person who was on call for my clinic on Sunday. He almost pushed me over the edge, a total idiot. I even asked my dh to take me to the sheriff station so they would take me to the state hospital since I have no insurance. It's not a nice place and you have to sit in a holding cell until someone can take you so if I was willing to do that you can bet I was serious. He refused and I finally told him how I felt about everything and told him he has to start trying to help himself and get better or one way or another I would leave him. He has promised to try and I told him I don't expect miracles or overnight change but that I need proof that he is willing to put some effort into saving our marriage and getting better.
On top of that my first husband that I am still very close to and love deeply is physically and mentally not doing well. Our son is not handling it and I am deeply conflicted. Sorry if that offends any of you. My dh knows how I feel and is OK with it. I am totally and brutally honest with my dh and vice versa. We have no secrets. Which is one of the things I do love about my dh. He is a very good man and I want so badly for us to be happy but I am losing hope.
I am 46 years old and have had so very little happiness in my life. Is it wrong to want a chance for that? Is it wrong to want more than a warm place to live and food on the table. Not that I am not grateful for those things but is it wrong to want more? We talked about after all of our kids were gone we could finally have some peace and do all the things we'd talked about. Well the last one has been gone well over two years and nothing has changed. He has no relationship even with his own kids and I have finally given up playing go between since I am sick of being treated like the evil step mother when I have nearly broken my back bending over to make them happy.
Sorry this is so long I guess I needed to vent. I am just so very, very tired.
Hugs to all of you that need them
Maureen/Mo
If this was a real life it would have come with instructions.

I hope you were able to encourage your dh to try and help himself some. I always remember that parable in the New Testament, how that one guy wouldn't even crawl to the healing pool to get better, and I always remember that and figure God expects me to at least try and crawl over to it, if I can't make it, He will help me, but I have to at least try and get better.
Take care, and I hope today is better for you somehow, hugs, Josie.
Maureen/Mo
If this was a real life it would have come with instructions.
Let's put the fun back in dys-fun-ctional
Maureen/Mo
If this was a real life it would have come with instructions.
But after all of you guys helped me with the death of my friend, I know that our caring is important. Did that make sense?
You are handling a lot. I am glad you have access to your docs so easily. It makes me worry less about you. lol
Know that you are wonderful, and that we care.
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa
Co-CL Depression Support
(((((((((Mo))))))))))))))
Im sorry too that I havent been around alot lately.
*hugs