Help Please!?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Help Please!?!
2
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 12:03pm
Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting on this board, so you’ll have to excuse me if I’m not doing it right. I just really need to rant or something, maybe even get some feed back.

I feel like I’ve been depressed my whole life, and I have no way of letting my problems out right now except to my boyfriend, who is amazing, but I feel horrible with always burdening him with my problems.

I’m 20 years old, I moved about a year ago to Quebec (Canada) to be with my boyfriend. I’m unemployed because I don’t speak French, and it’s becoming really stressful because I’m almost out of the money I had saved up before moving here from Ontario and now having to depend on my boyfriend financially.

I need some help to maybe find some closure on all this. I've gotten to the point where I am moody, and easily upset, taking it out on my boyfriend which I really don't want to do, I'm eating to numb the pain and frustration. Which I have been doing for a few years now, I'm about 50 pounds heavier than I'd like to be. I'm crying all the time and I can't stop thinking about past events, and I can't get to sleep for at least and hour closer to two hours at night before bed.

I have a very strained relationship with my family. As a child, my mother verbally, emotionally and physically abused me until about the age of 13. My father fought for custody of me when I was 13 going on 14 after he witnessed her backhand me across the face.

I don’t want to go into details about the whole thing because it would take too long to explain everything that has ever happened between my mother and I. But basically, I have not talked to her since then for 7 years.

My relationship with my father is very strained because when he got custody of me he basically at that moment decided it would be better to be my friend rather than a parent figure because he felt pity for me about everything that had happened with my mother. He never said that directly to me, but he has told that to his brother (my uncle), and his mother (my granny J) after which she relayed to me not too long ago.

My father and I have always fought a lot. He wasn��t really ever supportive or encouraging. He’s never told me good job, or you can do it. For example, recently I told him that I wanted to become an interior designer and start my own home-based company. I have done tons of research; have a lot of learning material on the subject to keep me busy until I can afford to take a few business classes and what not. The first thing he said to me was, “you’re to young to know what you want.” Yes, I can see that point of view, but sometimes people for who are in there 40’s, 50’s and 60’s still don’t know what they want to do for the rest of their life. The point is to pick a goal and start working towards that until you finally do know. That’s what I’m trying to do, and this is what I would like to do right now with my life. But unfortunately I was never brave enough to say something like that to him.

I never felt comfortable talking to him. Because of that I was never able to tell him when I was sexually assaulted at the age of 14 by someone who I thought was my friend and then again at age 16 by someone I barely knew. I finally ended up telling my father last year because my boyfriend encouraged me to, he told me that maybe it would help me heal some of the pain.

My family is very sarcastic, which can be fine sometimes, until it gets to the point where they are putting someone down and making fun of them. Which I find my father did a lot, if I pronounced something wrong or got hung on a word because I talk to fast when I’m nervous, he would make fun of it. I wasn’t allowed to show emotion, if I were crying it was “snap out of it” or “get over it”.

But I guess what really bothers me is the fight we had before I finally moved out. He had gotten home late from work, and I was in the living room crying and upset, needing someone to talk to. He didn’t want to hear it, he started yelling at me saying, “you know I have a life to, and I have my own problems and I don’t need to deal with yours, etc…” It was a very large rant and you’ll have to excuse me for not remembering it word for word. He told me that I had become weak and whiny since having gotten involved with Denis (my bf, love of my life, who I had been crushing on for at least 10 years before finally getting together over 2 years ago.) I just felt like yelling back at him something along the lines of, “Well then you never should have had a kid. When you’re a parent it becomes all about them, that’s usually supposed to be the first priority in a parents life. I know you have your own problems and I completely understand that, but at this point I have no one to talk to except for my boyfriend who lives 2 hours away. I have a lot of problems in my life too and I need to deal with them and get them off my chest sometimes. Talking to someone and finally dealing with emotions that have been locked inside you for years does not mean someone is weak and whiny it means they are trying to help themselves and get on with a better life! That’s what Denis does for me; he cares about me and listens to me, and only wants the best for me. By finally having someone to talk to I find is helping me to become stronger.” But the most I could get out before he stormed off was not having anyone to talk to and needing that because I felt so alone.

I don’t talk to my father very often; if I’m lucky it will be once a month. But that’s only because I call, he will only call here if he really needs something.

I don’t know anyone on my mother’s side of the family and never have. On my father’s side there’s my Granny, great aunt, my uncle and his wife, and their two kids. (My cousins, both girls who are 4 months and 4 years older than me.)

My Granny is the only one in my family who I talk to on a regular basis, every weekend for about an hour. I haven’t talked to my uncle and company since Christmas, and that’s because I called them. I’m always sure to send birthday cards and etc, out 2 weeks early so that everyone is sure to get it on time (I always put my e-mail address inside and under my message asking them to stay in touch). I’m lucky if I’ll get my birthday card 3 months after my actual birthday has gone by, even though it's the day right after my aunts birthday (except for my Granny, she always remembers) and my father never gets the day right. Usually I have to remind him about every occasion.

But what bothers me most is that my oldest cousin just got engaged recently (great for her, and wish them the best) and my uncle called to tell my father and what not, but I never found out until a while later when my Granny finally remembered during one our weekly “what’s happening over there?” talks.

Anyways. I’m so sorry everyone for unloading all of this and posting such a large rant. I can’t even imagine how big it would have been if I had gone into solid detail.

Thank you so much though for letting me do this. I really needed it. Any suggestions on how to deals with things, or maybe even to put everything behind me and just move on would be greatly appreciated. Have a great day everyone! Take care and take it easy.

Bamboo


 
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 4:52pm

Welcome Bamboo!

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 7:17pm
Hi honey,

You have so much going on here that I don't know where to start. I think Lisa addressed the family issues, so I will mention a couple of other things. I'm not sure where you live, but I live in Montreal. I grew up here and I am bilingual, but my SIL is not and she's having a heck of a time finding work. You must take French lessons if you want to stay here, no question. You can get free classes through Emploi Quebec. Look them up on the web and then go the office nearest you. It is full-time during the day for up to 9 months. You may also be eligible to get some money while you go to school, but I'm not sure what the requirements are.

Second thing is your education. I have taught CEGEP for 8 years and I think it is a great system. There are a couple of private design schools in Montreal, but there is only one free English one, and that is at Dawson College. Again, I'm not sure how long you have to have lived on Quebec in order to be considered a resident and go to cegep for free; you would have to get some info on that. As a full-time cegep student, you are eligible for loans and bursaries to live on. Here is the link to Dawson's programme:

http://www.dawsoncollege.qc.ca/programs/tech/interior_design/ It's a three-year career programme.

Good luck and best wishes,

Nicola