Fed Up
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Fed Up
| Thu, 11-11-2004 - 1:43pm |
hello- im sorry. what i have to say really has nothing to do with your response. i am new to this message board. i found this while bawling my eyes out-looking for someone to talk to just to vent and i had to go through the whole stupid process of signing up and confirming and stuff. it made me SO MUCH more frustrated! then i finally got signed up and i couldnt figure out how to start my own new discussion! i am such an idiot. anyway- the reason why i have been so upset is that i always go unnoticed by those i love! (mainly my boyfriend.) you see, i beat myself up about it and get SO SAD that he doesnt appreciate the things i do for him. i have tried to talk to him and everything and he says he is sorry and all that stuff but it just happens over and over. i feel so stupid when i talk about it because i know what i am SUPOSED to do in this situation. i give advice to my "friends" about it all the time. i tell them to drop the guy and that they can do so much better and blah blah balh. so, when i hear this stuff...i just feel like they are thinking that i am a complete idiot and that makes me feel even worse.
i attempted to commit suicide a few times in the past- or at least it ended up being that way. i swear i wasnt thinking "i want to die" while i was doing it. it was just the sort of thing where i wanted to see if i could still feel at all. i was SO emotionally exhausted that i literally felt numb to everything. i felt so invisible to everyone important in my life that i just had to...i dont know...prove to myself that i was still really there i guess? i know it sounds crazy... i doubt anyone really even knows what im talking about...its a really akward thing for me to talk about because i hear myself saying the words and know what i would think of someone if i didnt feel the same way and they were telling me the same thing. i would probably think they were crazy... i have thoughts like this all the time but i am so afraid to talk to the people i love about it. i alreayd know that i need help...i know what i have to do but i dont have the strength and courage to do anything about it. i could never see myself saying "mom...dad..i need help." they think so highly of me right now and i dont want to ruin that. they ahve their own problems and we just buried the ones we had in the past. (my parents getting divorced and the hostility i had towards it...i finally just gave up and took it for what it was.) i dont know...i better stop before you guys get tired or reading and dont finish... i dontk now what im expecting to get out of this...but hey...i guess i dont know a lot of things...
~Leanna~
i attempted to commit suicide a few times in the past- or at least it ended up being that way. i swear i wasnt thinking "i want to die" while i was doing it. it was just the sort of thing where i wanted to see if i could still feel at all. i was SO emotionally exhausted that i literally felt numb to everything. i felt so invisible to everyone important in my life that i just had to...i dont know...prove to myself that i was still really there i guess? i know it sounds crazy... i doubt anyone really even knows what im talking about...its a really akward thing for me to talk about because i hear myself saying the words and know what i would think of someone if i didnt feel the same way and they were telling me the same thing. i would probably think they were crazy... i have thoughts like this all the time but i am so afraid to talk to the people i love about it. i alreayd know that i need help...i know what i have to do but i dont have the strength and courage to do anything about it. i could never see myself saying "mom...dad..i need help." they think so highly of me right now and i dont want to ruin that. they ahve their own problems and we just buried the ones we had in the past. (my parents getting divorced and the hostility i had towards it...i finally just gave up and took it for what it was.) i dont know...i better stop before you guys get tired or reading and dont finish... i dontk now what im expecting to get out of this...but hey...i guess i dont know a lot of things...
~Leanna~
