Things got worse today... MUCH WORSE

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Things got worse today... MUCH WORSE
4
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 7:15pm
Well it has been almost a week since I had run into a woman who called herself my boyfriend's girlfriend. I have been devastated. Until today when I finally got an email from him (he had been ignoring my calls/emails all week).

He told me he is moving to Colorado. The woman I saw was helping him pack and lives there and is helping him transition. He said he needs to clear up his life. Gave no way to contact him, saying that he was cancelling his email accounts for some reason.

He was so vague about this woman. Not admitting that they are together. Nor that just 2 weeks ago he was telling me how much he loves me and not to worry that things were fine in our relationship.

I am so miserable. I have lost my best friend of 7 years. WIthout even a goodbye. Just a betrayal and a half-assed response. Either I will never hear from him again which devastates me. We have been though so much together. Or, I will hear from him 6 months to a year down the road and all this pain will resurface.

Why couldn't he had just been honest? Why did he have to shut me out of this whole process? Why did he turn to this other woman? I will never know. How am I supposed to move on?

I have nothing here. I was already at the bottom of a dark hole, and now I am further down.

Someone please help me

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 7:27pm
(((Seya))) I am so sorry that you are going through such a terrible time. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but I don't think anyone could find the words right now. My brother recently split up w/ a long-distance gf when he found out her (supposedly ex-) bf had moved back in with her! He was devastated and is only just now starting to get over it...it's been a couple of months and they were together for a year. I think you need to give yourself some time to get over him. That being said, please don't blame yourself for this. If he didn't have the courage to tell you he wanted to be with someone else, he is not worth your time. He will probably do the same to her...or he is just a jerk. Who knows? Regardless, it is not your fault that he is acting like this. You will find someone else who is worth your time and energy. I'm guessing you haven't made any friends where you are b/c of him, but now is your chance to get out there and make friends. Can you join a church or a group of people w/ interests like yours? Can you make the job work for you, or do you need to find something else?

There are things you can do to improve your situation, but I really think you need to take care of yourself right now. NO man is worth hurting yourself over. IT IS NOT time to give up. He is NOT worth it. You are so much more precious than that.

Take care,

Nicola

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anonymous user
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 9:05pm
omg I dont know what to say. I suppose this was posted after the last post u put? Well ok now Im not good with knowing how to get closure on things so I cant give u good advice on that, but I think that closure is needed here. First though, you need some time just to heal. Whatever the heck this guy is up to sounds weird...like he is completely uprooting his whole life & practically existence to start anew? Its just bizarre b/c its like he wants to erase everything. I honestly dont think this has a lot to do with you. Its like he's having some mid-life crisis or something & doesnt care who he hurts to nurture these new desires of his. Youre better off without this guy for sure, and I pray & hope that you will be able to eventually get serious closure on it. It will be hard but please let us know how you are doing. I really hope Ive helped u in any way at all. HUGS
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 10:21pm
Thanks for the kind thoughts. I am not doing well. I am having the hardest time understanding. I will need to lean on you all. I have no one else to lean on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 11:53am
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I have not been through it, but I have been through something very similar. He turned around and married a girl he just met while visiting Columbia. And that was that, after 6 years.

I could not take the pain. It was too much. I'd worked so hard to get past my depression and I was thrown back into a place so much worse than I'd ever been in before. I couldn't even fathom what he had done, or that I meant so little to him after I'd spent so much of my life loving him and making him my top priority.

I couldn't stand to live in the pain. But I didn't want to be the woman he destroyed either. Of course I was. So I did everything I could to move forward. I knew that just sitting in the pain would leave me tortured and suicidal.

Instead, I went running once or twice a day. I had a therapist a few years before who had told me that running could be a good way to let out anger. I focused on putting my pain into anger at him, instead of self-torment. With every step I took on a run, I imagined that I was stepping on his head, his chest, his heart. I put my anger into every step. Sometimes I had daggers on the bottoms of my feet (in my imagination, that is).

When I felt the bottom opening up in my agony, I'd make myself go out for a run again. I needed to put the energy outward. Otherwise, it was killing me.

I also knew that I desperately needed to get into therapy, with a good therapist. I called my medical doctor, who I really like and trust. Her nurse gave me the name of a therapist. I completely connected with the therapist. Even though I had no money at the time, I put it on my credit card. I knew that my very survival depended on me getting help. It had to be my number one priority. My survival depended on it.

I've had a history of being betrayed by the people I thought I could trust the most, people I had been there for and given everything to. I tend to be a giver in relationships. Then I can't believe that the people I've loved so much threw me away without even an explanation. It hasn't happened A TON. But even a few times is agony.

My therapist was awesome.

I also did some things for me to feel like I was improving myself, and changing. I didn't want to be the same person in the same life that he had left. I rearranged the furniture. They say it's important to change your surroundings so that everything doesn't remind you of the person. I also rearranged my furniture in my living room after my dog died. He always slept in there. It immediately helped me to stop thinking about him whenever I walked into the room.

I had a friend who bought new sheets when his girlfriend broke up with him. He also moved his bed to a different side of the room.

Another thing that I did was that I went out and got a makeover. It may sound trite and stupid, but it helped me. I wanted to look different, and better, than the girl he thought I was. I wanted to be different and to move forward in my life, even though I was still in horrible pain.

The best thing that I'd found to get over someone besides changing the things you shared with him, is to focus on all of the bad qualities about the person.

The fact that he could do this to you without even an explanation shows that he is completely self-centered. He clearly does not care about anyone's feelings but his own. He is doing what is easiest for him. The main reason that it's easy for him to drop you without helping you understand is that he doesn't care about other people's feelings. He is only concerned with his own comfort. Anyone who could cut off his girlfriend of 7 years without even an explanation cares only about himself.

I've been noticing lately that a lot of people only care about their own feelings. They follow their momentary whims, thinking that these feelings are the only things that matter.

I can recommend a couple of books for you. One is called "All Men Are Jerks, Unless Proven Otherwise." It is an interesting look at how so many men look at relationships and dating. It's very enlightening.

Another good one is "Smart Women, Foolish Choices." It talks about the different kind of male dysfunctions in dating. It could give you insight into where your ex is coming from.

I wish I could make it better. Iknow what a horrible experience it is to be thrown away without an explanation. But later when I was able to get more info about the men, I found out that they truly did not even consider other people's feelings, but only their own narrow-minded, shallow interpretations of others and of events. They pretty much ran away to escape and to pursue some new idea that boosted his idea of themselves. But when the "new life" became real, the guys had to face some harsh realities.

Some people deal with life by running away. That's just what they do. It's most painful for the people left behind.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you. Do what you can to take care of yourself. In the end, you are the one you can count on.

All My Best,

MariaC


Edited 11/13/2004 8:21 am ET ET by cal70