I'm new and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
I'm new and confused
8
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 12:57pm
Hi, I'm new and just thought that maybe I would try this out, talk to others that might be able to help me. I'm sorry if this ends up being really long. I'm 24, will be 25 in feb. I don't really even know where to start. I am constantly seeking new friends or love. I feel as if nobody really cares about me. I know that my mom and dad do, cuz they have to, but I would just love to have someone actually care about me. I find myself always thinking..."If I'd die today, no one would even notice or care" My friends seem to only want to be with me if I can either provide them with some fun, or something, or if they need someone to talk to, but when i need someone to talk to, for the most part, there's no one that wants to hear it, as if I'm annoying or something. I don't look forward to anything in life anymore because everytime I look forward to anything, I end up disappointed. I have one friend that I can consider a real friend for the most part, but I'm always jealous of her. Everyone loves her, everyone wants to hang with her...when I go out, people ask me where she is cuz we're usually together. She has guys liking her all the time. I find myself expecting the opposite of what I want in situations because then I think maybe I'll actually get what I want. Reverse psychology on myself. I feel as if I'm a great person, always caring about others almost to a fault. I'm always trying to be there for everyone. I follow the whole do unto oothers how you want them to treat you. But I never get that favor in return. the guys that like me are always the one's that I only look to for friendship and can't think of them as anything else, and the guys I do like as more than a friend I am teased with their affections and attention, only to have it gone as soon as it started for some reason or another. I feel worthless. Like I have no purpose in this life. I try to not care so much about things, try to not hang out with the friends that I think aren't really my friends, but then I have nobody. I care way too much about things I say, things I do...wanting others to like me, since in my mind it shouldn't be so hard. I act as if i don't care about things since those that seem not to care seem to get everything. I just don't know what to do anymore. I hate my life. I feel as if I'm cursed to have bad things happen to me all the time while I watch good things happen to people that don't even care about the good things. Can anyone help me??
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 2:58pm
Hi there. I'm so sorry that you are going thru this by your self. I kind of know were you are coming from. I'm jelous and envy of people but it did not change how I feel at all. I learned that I needed to love my self first before I expected anyone else to care about me. No matter how much you want your life to be like everyone else your life is what YOU make of it. Have you ever thought that someone is envy of you? Sometimes you really need to look at things from another window. Does that make sense?

I really think that you need to find friends that truly care for you and not just if it benefit them. Friends do for each other. I don’t have many friends myself because I work and kids, but I do try to find other things to do that make me happy. Find a fun hobby for yourself. Don’t drill on people that don’t care they are not worth your energy. Just know we are here to listen. Take Care

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 4:45pm
Thank you for writing back. As for the part about the love yourself thing. That's where I guess I don't get it. I know that you have to love yourself and I went through this time where I really tried to figure it out, but you see, I don't hate myself or even unlike myself. yes, at times I say to myself that I'm an idiot or something, but everyone does that. I really DO like myself. That's what confuses me so dang much. If I could find a bunch of friends that were just like me, I would in a nanosecond, but I can't. And I don't understand why people don't seem to like me as much as say I like MY friends. The girl that I would consider to be my best friend has a tendency to ignore me sometimes, and she lives right upstairs from me so I know when she's home and ignoring me and that really hurts, and then I'll see her leave to go do something else but never had the decency to call me...until way later and then she's all apologetic. But she chooses to hang out with people that she doesn't even necessarily like, or she complains about, rather than me, and if I was her I would choose me. I just don't know what to do, i'm sick of feeling this way, sick of my life and my stupid bad luck. Is it so hard to just be happy?? I try, really I do, and sometimes i can even succeed...but so many times I'm just so emotional over everything. Everything affects me too hard. I don't even know how to explain how i feel. Sometimes I don't even understand what i'm sad about, i'm just sad and I just cry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 6:37pm
Hey,

Well I don’t know what to tell you other then try to find another friend. I do relate with what you are saying I have the same problem and I think a lot of us do. I did not have family here in Alaska for 11yrs and really no true friends. My sister moved up here and (she is a little younger then me) I thought for sure I would not be alone and I would have someone to do stuff with. Well the only time my sister even calls me if she has no one else to hang out with or if she needs me to help her with something.

My other friend well she is always doing things with all her other friends and so ya most of the time I'm alone but I do have my children which is a blessing. I feel lonely a lot and just want to stay in bed. This is what we call depression. I really think that you need to try and go do stuff. Do you work out? I would if I only had the time. I do think you should try and pick up some kind of hobby that you can do on your own which will be fun. This way you won’t depend on your friends as much. I'm here if you need to talk just know that ok.

Anytime

Bettina

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 4:27pm
thank you again Bettena for responding. It really does suck being lonely. And you're right, lots of times I find myself wanting to just sleep because I dream vividly and I'd much rather live in my dreamland than the real world. Even when my dreams are bad, at least it's not my life that's bad, it's just a dream. I never used to like sleeping so much. It really sucks that tomorrow my friend that lives upstairs from me is going to be gone to Florida for a week so I'm really not gonna have much to do. I do work out, or I should say, I at least try. A lot of times if I don't work out right away after work I'll lose the motivation to do it and just sit and watch tv instead. The really hard thing is, I feel as if, if I can't really find friends to keep me occupied enough, I'd like to be able to find that one companion...love. But how do u do that when you can't go out by yourself. I don't like going places by myself. Sometimes not even shopping although I've begun to get used to it and even like it better by myself. But going out to bars or anything, i don't want to show up alone and have no one to talk to. LOL, i'd look like a loser and no guy is gonna be interested in that. A lot of the problems I have is that my frineds find boy/girl friends and then they don't need me so much, so that really sucks. How old are you by the way? I've tried the dating online sites and found guys that I would think maybe could interest me (I'm picky) and they never respond to me, but the one's that I know instantly I wouldn't be interested in, constantly contact me and annoy me. How does that work??? I don't know what kind of hobbies I can get into that would help keep me busy without having at least one person to go with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 4:46pm

Hi!

Wow I really understand what you are saying. I'm almost 30 next month and that is so depressing for me all on its own. I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t go out like that either I need to have someone to go with and yes same here most of the people I know don’t want to go out so I'm stuck going to work and home. The weeks I have my children it is fine but when they are gone for a week it is so hard and I cry a lot because I want to live my life but I'm afraid to go out by my self.

I do not think that guys will think of you and not talk to you for the fact they will see you as an independent woman, but at the same time you would have to be afraid to meet the wrong person while you are by your self.

I'm a big FAN of the military and I sometimes just go there and LOOK and it is fun. I have met a lot of people but as you I'm picky and the once I gave my heart to just turned around and broke it.. I think for now I will concentrate on me and what I can do to make my self happy, but yes it would be nice to have that special someone. I think that if we don’t look it will find us but as you I wonder how I don’t go no where?

Well for what it is worth I'm here so just write when ever or sent an e-mail.

Take care, Bettina

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 6:10pm

Hi -


I was reading your posts and remembered my 20's and 30's (I'm 42 now). I experienced a lot of what you are going through now. I always felt like I was on the fringe of the crowd (or group of friends), many of my friends got hooked up with someone and tried to include me but i always felt like the 3rd wheel. I spent a lot of time in my head having wonderful fantasy lives because I hated being alone. I also couldn't figure out why the guys I was interested in always ended up being friends and nothing more. I now know that's because i was probably unconsciously or subconsciuosly sending out the "I'm not really available' message, and I didn't figure out until 29 that I was a lesbian, and then all of the sudden I met women I could relate to. That, of course, may have nothing to do with your situation, but I think it is important to think about what kinds of signal you may be sending out to others. Do you spend time in your head - I did a lot, which meant i wasn't fully present for others in my life.


The other thing is that I just had to get used to doing things alone - going to movies, even eating out a restuarants, and taking vacations - I usually picked "group activity" vacations like bicycling in Vermont, going on a windjammer in Maine, taking sailing lessons - and I always met interesting people and didn't feel lonely. Another suggestion if you don't have any hobbies is to consider volunteering for some organization that might interest you. One of my friends met her husband that way.


hang in there - I didn't find the love of my life untiil I was 39 - and comfortable being by

peace and love,

just_a_big_kid

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 9:50am
Wow, that must've been very difficult going through such a life change as finding out that you're a lesbian. I know that's not the case...I like guys for sure. I've thought about it to be honest, when I'd think that something was wrong with me, but I'm not. I don't send out the vibe that I'm not available either, but I don't really know what vibe I do send out...how do you figure that out? I constantly find myself getting into situations too where my guy "Friends" will always fall for me, and not necessarily leave me alone, which is difficult for me cuz I like them as friends and want to hang out, but then I'm afraid I'm giving them the wrong idea, leading them on, even though I think I make it pretty clear where my intentions are with them. As for finding group things to do and hobbies and vacations and such, I'm broke as a joke and in no time soon will I have any kind of money to do anything other than work, pay bills, and go out to a bar occassionally, since you don't have to spend lots of money since you can always not really drink. I don't really know what my deal is but I think ever since I was a kid I just have this fear of showing up places. i hate being stared at and I'm used to getting the girls staring at you with such nasty looks like "uh, who do u think u are?" For some reason I've always had a really hard time being friends with girls, they can be so ruthless. I only really have 3-4 good girlfriends, that I can consider more on the friends side, but really only the one and sometimes I feel like hanging out with her is causing me even more trouble just because I feel inferior to her sometimes. I have lots of guys friends, but then sometimes run into the problem that they don't want to be friends and when they find out that's all they're gonna get, they bail on me too. I used to be in basketball, and really miss playing it, but don't really know of anywhere for one thing that I could find some kind of free deal to play, and I'd be too nervous to go by myself. I remember being terrified of going to baseketball camp stuff when I was young, which turned out to not be so bad, but I always feel comfortable with just at least one person that I know, then I'm not nervous at all and I can talk freely to anyone for the most part. What's up with that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 10:02am
I envy those of you who have begun to turn your lives around. I'm only beginning to deconstruct a nightmare of a life, and have been so incredibly lonely, having no avenue to meet new people. I spend a lot of time with my 10-year old son who needs me very much, but I also feel as though I need him a lot. Maybe too much. I don't know. His Dad and I are horrible when we talk about anything (beginning a separtation for financial reasons and eventually divorce), and I feel so protective of my son. He has problems making friends, too, and I'm sure what's going on between the adults has a big role to play in this. I appreciate all the stories, and messages of encouragement. I'm hoping one day mine will be one of those stories of how things turned around for me, also.