sad and SAD!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
sad and SAD!!
6
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 9:07pm
Hi folks,

I'm new to the board, and I'm just going to lay it on the line...long story short, I have had PAD and depression off and on since high school (I'm 27). I've done a really good job of keeping it in check the last 4 years.

But now, I'm a brand-new teacher, and apparently I'm doing less than a stellar job. My principal watched me during a pretty average day, and I got a pretty bad review.

Since then, I have woken up at 2 am wide awake and unable to get back to sleep (normally I am a SOLID sleeper). What do you guys do when you wake up and can't get back to sleep!!?!? I cry all the time for no reason, and if I'm not crying, I get panics and the shakes.

I went to see a Dr. who's given me Ambien to sleep and lexapro for the depression. I am depressed about being back on meds, and I get nervous and my heart races when I think about work...

Guys, normally I'm a happy-go-lucky gal who doesn't let things get to me. But this one bad review has totally ripped my self-esteem to shreds and it is messing with my head. I really know in my heart of hearts I can get through this, but it doesn't seem like it right now.

I want to laugh, to sleep, to relax. I'm tired and depressed. I'm not suicidal (thank God), but I have that wondering feeling if I will ever be happy again...

I do pray, and often. I'm asking God to take this stigma away from me and be happy. My friends and family keep telling to hang in there and everything will be OK. Like I said, I KNOW it will be OK, but it doesn't seem like it now.

ANYONE with a story about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel would be most appreciated. Please tell me it will get better with your encouragement. I need to hear from some people...

Bless you,

annie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 1:59am

Hi Annie, it can and probably will get better for you. I don't think

Maureen/Mo

If this was a real life it would have come with instructions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 9:40am
Please be kind to yourself. When one is depressed, an evaluation that includes areas of improvement can be misread through our depressive thoughts. Our thinking process is not normal and any negative comment can be magnified out of proportion. I know. I have been there, done that.

I also work in a school setting and can say I am a success story. I crashed last year and through medication, therapy and hard work on my part, life is grand today. I still have bumps in the road, but they are only bumps and I react to them like a non depressive person. Things don't get better overnight, although good sleep is very important factor in getting better. Depression snuck up on me over a period of years, it took a long time for it to diminsih. Please, please be patient and be kind to yourself.

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 5:45pm
Dear Annie, I am a teacher too and just got fired from a job I was told was mine (long story and not the right time). Sometimes I just cry and cry, other times I'm really angry. This may end up in a legal arena. Anyway, I totally get where you are at. So here's a couple of things to think about: 1) Your principal might be looking for a completely different approach (you know, all the kids quiet at their desks or the chaotic appearance of 5-6 small groups working on various projects. 2) Your principal may not have any people skills (and God knows there are a lot of those around. 3) But in the end, that's not why you're there. Have you reached one child, have you helped just one kid who couldn't "get it" over a hump? Do you love your kids? Do you go to work knowing that what you are doing is both the best and the worst job in the world? Do you have days that are like little miracles when you light up like the sun and know in your heart that there's no place you'ld rather be? Of course, the next day you'll probably have to give someone a detention but hey, every day is a fresh start, a new experience and another chance for a small miracle. You can fix whatever your principal thinks is wrong but if you've bonded with your kids then you've already gotten the review that counts. We're there for the kids Annie, they get us out of bed (they also make us want to crawl back into it) they keep us working to achieve things from ourselves that we never thought were possible and, like it says in the Velveteen Rabbit, "when a child loves you, really loves you.......then you know you are real." Your classroom belongs to you and your kids. Your principal is just a visitor passing through............my prayers are with you. Janine.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 7:48pm
Welcome Annie! You are taking many great steps to help yourself. I commend you for that. Your doc may want to address your anxiety stuff. You will find more steps to help you. Being here is a good one.

I have good days and bad. I have been unable to find meds that work for me. I have tried many.. 9 total. If you find one that works at all...embrace it. It will create some light in the darkness.

What age do you teach? I teach, and I find that kids and teaching in general help me.

I hope that you got some constructive critism from your review. It may help...teaching is hard. Good for you to take it on.

Welcome again.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Take care,

Lisa

Co-CL Depression Support

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 9:37pm
Thanks y'all for your pointed comments (especially you Janine--Lord, I've never heard teaching so well summarized). You guys really are a blessing!!

I teach high school, and not only am I a brand-new teacher, but I'm technically doing my practicum (I was hired on an emergency certificate). I feel so ill-prepared to teach most days. I teach half-time and work about 35-40 hours a week, but I feel like I should be working 60-70...I just don't know...I want to work, but it's hard to get working when you're depressed and all you want to do is lay on the couch and watch TV or sleep...am I a bad person for not giving 110%? I do work (lesson plans and grade papers), but I don't go in on the weekends and since this depression/anxiety thing, I just lay low...does that make me a horrible teacher?

Thanks for all your encouragement. I'll keep stopping by. Your kindness to a stranger is not unnoticed.

Hugs,

annie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 12:26am
Annie, the whole point of a practicum/student teaching is to get the support you need to make it on your own in the classroom. If you aren't getting that then somebody else is failing you. Plus, you have to have a really high threshold of intimidation to be successful with high school kids. First, know that teachers are always tired and the good ones are always worried that they're not doing a good enough job. The most important thing to remember is that you're trying your hardest and that is enough. It's time to start looking for outside assistence. E-mail me if you feel the need and I'll do what I can for you. Just know that I'm struggling with some issues of my own so I can't always promise to be rational...........I can be found at christhebear@earthlink.net. There are solutions Annie, I promise there are but know that you have chosen a profession that takes more heart, soul, mental and physical energy than anyone outside of it will ever understand.......Janine.