Fear of the past (poss. triggers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Fear of the past (poss. triggers)
1
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 2:05am
It's been nearly a year to the day since I had my first panic attack and depressive episode. Since then it has been hell trying to find a medication that works well for me. I have been on Paxil CR 37.5 since about June or July and I have become my "old self" again! My fear is that this will happen again. As November 22nd grows closer I notice I am feeling very frightened. I can't go through this again! My fiance can't go through this again. Let me say going through Hell would have been a welcome vacation from what was happening to me. Constant crying, the panic, not eating, sleeping all the time, just everything...everything bad all mixed up in one shot. My relationship nearly didn't survive because neither of us knew at first what was going on. I was hospitlized twice for treatment. I never want to go through it again. Mike (my fiance) is so supportive but there is only so much he can do for me. I just want to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. That other people go through this, the fear of when the first attack happened and that it will happen again. Since I have been on the Paxil CR there have been very few "bad" days. I like my good days! I can go to work, I can be happy, I can feel like a normal person. I can feel love and happiness and that people care. When I have a really bad day I feel nothing. I feel empty and sad for no reason, I feel alone in the world and I feel like I deserve to BE alone. I just stop caring. :(

I just hope I'm not alone feeling afraid.

Peace,

Rave

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 7:47am
Hi Rave: I can relate. For me it isn't a set date, but we get two rounds of inspectors at work, and in 2002, the first set came in late March, then the second set in July was the icing on the cake and their criticism of me is what lead to me ending up in therapy, in hindsight that was good, and although I wasn't hospitalized as you were, I was as low as one could get in so many ways that if I hadn't gotten help, I may no longer be alive.

So in 2003, when both sets came, I was nervous, afraid the same would happen again. Especially the second set as we were told they were going to do a more thorough inspection than I had seen in 20 years, my therapist and I did a lot of discussions on it, and I survived without them picking on me per se.

Now in 2004, as luck wouldn't have it, the first set has come twice, and we are waiting for the second set, and we never know the date of them, so that is always looming over me.

So I can understand your fear. But do like I try and do, know that your med is working, and if you have done any work with a therapist that helps and I am more open with my dh now, and have support people in my life too, so if you have done any positive changes besides the meds, remind yourself of all those changes and that you aren't the same person you were a year ago.

And if you have a faith in God, which also really helps me, lean on Him more and trust He will see you through.

Why not plan something special for yourself this year around the 22nd to make the date a positive memory after this instead of a negative one. I hope any of this helps, hugs, Josie.