if your not afraid its not brave!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
if your not afraid its not brave!!!!
7
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 10:41am


I heard this saying over the weekend stating that if you are not afraid or scared to do somethig that it isnt brave....

I am not sure if I agree witht hat statement or it I disagree with it..

I know that each day we all get up out of bed get dressed and face the world head on sometimes we cover up a bit and wear a mask sometimes we let the whole world see us for who we are and how we really feel..

I kow that when I decide that I am not going to take my meds anymore which is a bad thing the world seems scary sad dark lonley and I get sad scared mad agitated anry upset and I show that side of me I dont hide it cause that is me when I am not on meds...when I am on meds I am better I am happy I am able to cope with each day and keep my anger and agitation in check and I am a good person I make the right choices I can think clearly I am a better me..but does that make me brave cause I am afraid that this is going to be my life for the rest of my life or will things change so because I am afraid of being this way forever does that make me brave cause I take my meds like a good girl and I keep myself in check like a good girl am I brave?????

O was with my mom yesterday and we had to go to this town in Connecticut called Bridgeport now mind you this town has a really bad reputation lots of gangs stufff like that my mom had to go to jury duty today for federal court so we went for drive to make sure she knew how to get there this morning and we got lost I was getting mad cause we had been driving around for over two hours and my mom was almost in tears now with my if I get lost I just say oh well and I use my instincts to get me back my mom freaks out she is confused and not paying attention to the signs around her telling her where to go well after two hours I finally tell her to chill out breathe and pay attention to her surroundings she finlly does that and we find the court house I tell her to look at the signs and it should only take her five minutes to get there once she is off the highway after we get home I realize my mom was freaking out cause she was out of her confort zone she never leaves our town which is called Stamford...so I consider her brave for leaving her confort zone and going to bridgeport...

Now me on the other hand I need to do something that is very scary for me I need to go into treatment and I am so afraid to give up my life my control for 2 months to hand over my life to others and have them teach me how to live it again is something that is so out of my zone that it blows my mind...I refuse to do that so I am a coward..I know that I admit that I accept that..but now more than ever I dont belive that I have a problem went to the obgyn thursday got weighed I am 109 pounds so how can I be anorexic if I weigh normally so I refuse to see that there is a problem going on here...once again I am a coward...thats cool..

I am also the queen of excuses I know that I admit that freely I can find an excuse to everything I dont want to go out it si too cold when in fact I dont have the energy I wont say I dont have the energy I just use the weather as an excuse going out to lunch or dinner oh I already ate when I havent eaten in days but I am afraid to eat so I make something up of if I have no choice I eat then throw it all up..

i want to move to Arizona but I cant cause I fdont have the money how am I goiong to pay rent and child support and a car payment ect...when in fact if I budget and get things in order I should be fine..but I am afraid so I talk myself out of things...

See how afraid I am .......

My whole life I always thught that I was so brave that I could do anythign when in fact it is so very different now that I have the blinders off I can see how I am for real and it is so scary to me cause I am so not the person that I thought I was..

You know why I am single cause I am afraid to let someone in...I could be with someone I have had many oportunities but I blow it cause they get to close and that is not okay with me I am afraid that they are going to see the real me the person that I hide cause I am weak they will see my disease and disorders and that is not okay so what do I do I become obsessed with someone that I will never have am that is scary to me cause I get afraid tha tI will become that woman from fatel attraction minus the boiling bunny I am obsessed with jon cause I cant have him I know that I will never have him now mind you I dont drive by his house call him nor do I go to the bar he owns but every so often cause oone of my friends works there so we will go there like once very other month I stay away from him bt the thoughts are what scares me he and I live right down the street from one another and I get afraid that I will run into him at the gas station the variety store whatever but I make it a point to stay far away so my obsession is thoughts I watch this show the mountain cause there is a guy on the show that looks like him and I just stare at this guy and I am amazed at myselffor being so nutty sad huh!!!! rather than just let someone in I push them away and keep the thoughts of another in my mind...

but that is something that I need to work on I can admit that I am afraid of touch Iam afraid of love I am afraid to let people in but I will work on those things when I am ready to go into treatment cause I know that it all ties into my disorder and it ties into the fact that I was never shown touch (hugs I love you's ect...) by my mom but it isnt her fault she was never shown that growing up so she never knew how to break the cycle when she had kids...at least we were not physically abused like she was we just had no emotional support from her and I guess it hurts just as much as physical abuse...

anyways I am not brave that is the point of all this typing but I will be brave one day just not right now...

thanks for listening

Erin
Avatar for jukie33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 10:50am

Bravery comes alive in steps. You are taking those steps now. Just posting is an act of bravery. Putting yourself out there for the world to see. You did that. Some people lurk on the board never able to take that STEP. One for you girl! Then you took time to look at yourself honestly and see where you have failed. Thats Bravery. People live in dream worlds and never look at themselves like you just did. Another STEP. You also saw that your Mom wasn't loving but you looked beyond the obvious and saw the cause of it and that is a HUGE STEP. Many people just blame things on others never trying to understand anything more than they were hurt. Seeing causes frees you and breaks the cycle. You are taking STEPS your bravery shows in those steps. Don't fault yourself so much for what you can't do. Try fostering what you can do! You have seen that this no loving no touch thing is a cycle that needs to be broken so further that along by starting to nurture yourself. Start tring to love yourself in small ways. Don't tackle the eating disorder first. Tackle the little things you can do. Start by just knowing you are deserving of loving touch. Just put that in your mind if by nothing more than repetitive thought. Write it down in a Journal till you get tired of writing it. Then get a therapist that can work on the ED on an out patient basis. It doesn't have to be a two month treatment program at first. You take STEPS to get to that place.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 11:13am

Erin, I posted to you in Roll Call but wanted to post here too. I honestly thought I had replied to your post. I will be blunt it's a struggle to keep breathing right now but I swear I thought I had written it not just thought abou it.


Hon we do care. Lately I have been feeling kind of invisible. I post to people but they rarely aknowledge what I write. Josie and Trac made me feel a bit better but I know what it's like to spill your guts and not get any feedback.


Erin I truly wish you could move to Arizona since that seems to be where you want to be. I also wish you would give the treatment center a try but I know you have to be ready for that. I am not speaking out of ignorance when I say 109 is thin very, very thin. Once upon a time I did many bad things to my body just to make it down to 114. I am 5 ft 5 med build. I didn't eat. I took pills. I execised like a madwoman. I used laxatives. I found a pic recently of me at that size and I thought GOD I look sickly. I was bony and the expression on my face was angry and unhappy but I was thin by god! I am not putting you down. I remember what it felt like the"NEED" to be thin. I was not wanted and only exist because my mom couldn't have an abortion. I was never really loved or wanted just tolerated. I got married the first time at 14 just to get away and be loved.


I care about you and wonder how you are when you don't post. I have even thought of checking in with the ED board to look for you. OK and because I am trying to lose weight and fighting the urge to regress.


Don't give up on us because we are all human and make mistakes and are struggling just to get by. I have to get to my Psychiatrist appt. but I will check in later. Hugs

Maureen/Mo


If this was a real life it would have come with instructions.


Let's put the fun back in dys-fun-ctional

Maureen/Mo

If this was a real life it would have come with instructions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 12:59pm
Hi Erin...I know you from the Bipolar board, and from lurking here...I wanted to post something to you, but was afraid to, because honestly, I was afraid of saying something wrong that would trigger you. I am however, really glad you're back on your meds...being on your meds WILL go a long way to helping you think more clearly about what it is that you need to do to get where it is that you want to go. You KNOW that being bipolar, you're going to have grandiose ideas and thoughts and those kinds of thoughts are only going to cause SETBACKS and cause you to be further behind in your goals and plans. Whether you realize it or not, you are happier, MUCH happier and more calm when you take your meds. You're more able to make those BIG decisions that you've been struggling with for a very long time. You DO have an eating disorder. You DO need help for it, honey. I know, I've been there. The weight loss felt WONDERFUL to me...but I messed myself up big time. Please think very hard about the clinic. I had to go inpatient for a while too, but not only for the ED, but for my bipolar too. I got help for it all at once, but I didn't have to stay as long as you say you'll have to stay. So I know how scared you are. I wish I could help you. I truly wish I could. Its a long hard road, but you are ready to travel it...because you want to be with your son. He's worth it, isn't he?

Take really good care. If you want to talk more, come over to the Bipolar board, that's where I'm usually at.

Many hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 2:54pm

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Erin)))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Sweetie, I am sorry I didn't get a chance to post to this over the past couple of days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 3:09pm

In reference to my quote "What would do if you weren't afraid?" I have this to add.

Christine

CL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 7:38pm
bump

Christine


"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"


Christine

CL

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 10:34pm

(((Erin))) I have not been doing too well lately. I too am glad that meds are back in your life. They will help with everything.

Have you gotten into a eating disorder group yet? Last I knew Marnie had suggested something to you, but I have been out of the loop. I am, as you mentioned in your other post, still not doing too well. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and wishes for me. I certainly hope that you will re-consider and stick around.

We are a lucky place to have a kind woman like you here.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
Co-CL Depression Support