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Registered: 04-21-2003
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Wed, 11-17-2004 - 6:16pm

I wonder....how can I have everything and be so unhappy?

I have gone through bouts of depression before. Mine were mostly anxiety based, but I was on meds to correct that and they worked. made me fat, but worked. The past few years, I've been off of them. I lost the weight, divirced my husband and took on a life of my own with my beautiful son.

I have since gotten married to a wonderful man. He's kind, supportive, generous and he adores me and my son. I'm also expecting a child with him in April. We are buying a gorgeous home in the best school district of town, he has a great job which enables me to stay home, and we have the best of everything. But I'm not happy.

I cry, I give DH a hard time, I seem ungrateful. He loves me so much. He points out to me the way I get sometimes and I never realized I was that way until later. All he wants is to take care of us and be there as a good husband and I can't seem to let him in.

I had an abusive first marriage. He cheated on me and he also told me how I would never amount to anything because I'm stupid and fat. I knopw part of the way I act is out of fear that it will happen again, but I've gone far overboard and I think it's more than just insecurity. Really, I do.

I think I'm going back into depression and I'm scared. I'm carrying a baby and plan to nurse it. But I feel myself slipping and I need help. I want to take meds, but I can't safely until I have concluded the pregnancy. And even then, if I nurse, I have to hold off on them. I just want to get the help I need so I can be the wife my DH deserves and the mother my children need.

The hard part is that I don't even know all of the things I do that upset my poor DH. I know I am destroying this marriage by being so difficult. I need to get help before he gives up on me.

Melissa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 7:04pm

(((Melissa))) Welcome to the board! You are wise to know that you need to get help. Being here to share will certainly help.

I am not a psychologist but I have to say that perhaps your past abusive situation has created unhealthy patterns in you. I was a victim of emotional abuse and sometimes we say things like those who abused us. The good news is that we can learn and love our ways past them.

Have you considered couples therapy, in conjunction to whatever help you will seek as an individual? Just a thought, if your husband can learn some positive strategies too, you can be there for each other. And you may not push him away.

Welcome to the board, we have many fabulous women who have been through similar experiences.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 8:39am

I have considered it. Both types of therapy. I think we need to go because the insecure feelings I've had caused me to snoop, which hurt my husband. He knows about it and he knows I've stopped, yet, we both have those trust issues that linger from it all.

Anyway, we are very much in love and I know I need to go seek help to see if I really am relapsing into depression so I can get the tools to help myself come back from it. I don't think he'd ever leave because of it. He understands. He's been there too, so I'm very lucky I have a man who has an understanding of what I must be feeling. And he knows it isn't his fault. It's no one's fault.

Most of the time, I do feel fine, but I sink into bad moments at least once a day and I just sit and cry. Usually the cry will help, but honestly, who wants to cry all the time? I want to feel happy, I want to feel like what I do here is good enough. And I don't. My husband says he values what I do. The house is nice, the clothes are clean, I get all the bills paid, he never has to worry that things aren't getting done. He's never had anyone at home when he got home until he had me and he loves walking in to see me there. He doesn't want that because he's stuck in the fifties, but because it just feels nice to see my car in the driveway when he gets home. And to see my son running towards him when he walks in. A real family is what he always wanted.

I just want to feel like I am doing enough and with all I do, it surely is.

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Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 3:20pm

Hi Melissa,

I can relate to a lot of what you say here. But I have to pick my dd up from school in a few minutes, so I'll just be really quick. First of all, congrats on your pregnancy. Here is a really good site with info on meds and pregnancy/breastfeeding from Toronto Sick Kids Hospital. If you have questions they don't answer, you can call them.
http://www.motherisk.org/

I am nursing and have taken both Paxil and Celexa while doing so. My son has not had any side-effects b/c the amount that gets into the milk is so minimal. Here's another site about that (quite scientific):
http://neonatal.ttuhsc.edu/lact/index.html

I am also a SAHM right now, but I don't like it; personally, I need more outside stimulation. It's not much fun to be at home all alone when everyone else is out for the day. You probably don't want to get a job if your baby is due soon, but how about volunteering? Is your DS in school? Could you volunteer there? It would give you a chance to get out of the house and feel like you're contributing to the outside world. I have also been struggling with the idea of homemaking as having value, and a site that's helped me a lot is: http://www.flylady.net

Anyway, I've got to run. Take good care of yourself today! It will probably take time for you to adjust to having a wonderful dh since you're not used to that.

Nicola