The ultimate failure - TRIGGERS

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
The ultimate failure - TRIGGERS
18
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 10:04pm

I have 3 beautiful children that I have been raising alone since my divorce 5 years ago.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 7:06pm

Thank you psychknight for your insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 7:11pm

(((Bettina))) thank you very much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 7:42pm

Traci--

I'm new so please (no, really, please) tell me if I am overstepping my boundaries.

I picked up on the following sentence in your post:

"I'm glad that everyone here is so supportive and tolerant of me."

Traci, when I read the responses to your note on the board, it sounds like people are WAY more than tolerant. They genuinely enjoy you and enjoy extending a hand. Seriously. I really feel that.

I am not a mom, but I used to teach K-8. I can only offer what I have experienced with my students. There is something that seems to happen between the ages of 7 and 10, especially with boys. They begin to test their power as people, not children of parents. AND it doesn't matter WHO their parent is...I always knew that, during my school year, I would have to really scramble to stay out in front of the 8 year old boys. I have no idea why! I DO know that, while they are pushing out in all directions and testing boundaries, it is VERY okay to "push back" even when you are considered the "meanest mom" (or, in my case, "the meanest teacher"). Kids at this age need to feel that there ARE limits, even when they loudly protest them. I grew up in a household with no limits. I played my parents off of each other and they crumbled. I remember my dad raging at me and I picked up a shoe and threw it at him...it hit him right in the chest. I was alternately scared and somewhat thrilled. I REMEMBER thinking, "C'mon! Push back! Punish me! DO SOMETHING!" I wanted to know that my dad CARED enough to discipline me and that he had self worth (something I'd been struggling with myself). Instead, he crumbled. He backed down. He walked away. I remember feeling angry and really hurt.

Everything turned out okay. I raised cane until college and then I settled down. I went through counseling and redefined the relationship with my parents and I can see now that they were struggling to care for themSELVES. They really couldn't care for us. I see them as people, and not just parents.

My next concern is that you take care of YOURSELF. What are you doing to care for yourself lately? Treat yourself? Be good to yourself?

You are a GOOD parent. You care enough to want to help and to reach out for support. That is amazing and wonderful.

Take very good care---

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 7:46pm

You My Dear friend

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 7:58pm

Hi, Foggy...I haven't had the chance to read through the replies to you, but I'm sure I'll be saying what many of them have said...you are by no means a failure to your son. There could be so many things going on...with your son's relationship to your ex, any number of other things he could be dealing with...and maybe this acting out of his is the only way he knows how to deal with them now.

That doesn't mean you've failed him...he needs you as much as ever as a loving mom who will help him grow into the great person I know he will be. I'm guessing some other women here may have suggested having your son see a therapist...I think that may be a good idea, if only to get an idea of why your son is struggling.

The fact that he's acting this way doesn't mean you've done a bad job of raising him...I think everyone (myself included!) has gone through childhood phases of acting out or trying out new (and often annoying!) ways of behaving in order to deal with life. You still have a lot of raising left to do, too! And your son needs you to be around for that.

Please hang in there...your son needs his mom, no matter what he may say right now,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 6:24am

Thank you (((((all))))) for your support and suggestions for my son and myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 11:37am

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Traci, ))))))))))))))))))))))))


Sorry I couldn't respond to your first post earlier, but you know my LIFE.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 11:34pm

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