Suicide

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2004
Suicide
13
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 10:40am

Hi everyone.... I'm new here but should've been here a long time ago.

Here's my background: My mom started out as a homemaker. She started working when I was about 8. By the time I was 10 my parents divorced. My mom gained her independence and left my dad. I watched him crumble. My brother and I lived with mom but saw dad on the holidays and summer vacations. Dad always said "I never should've let your mom work...we'd still be together." Later on (about 3 years) my dad meet his next wife andshe worked. Again my dad was left. About 2 years later he meet his current wife and they have been happy for gosh about 13 years now. She DOES NOT work and there relationship is great!

Now mom never married again. This is her story: She started woking at bar rooms at nights. My brother and I was always home alone since I was 10 and he was 9. Those years of my life was hard....I watched her "try" to remain independent. I watched what can happen to single women. She was used and abused by men. Her boyfriends sucked. Either using her for sex or hurting her...one beat on her. She did get a better job later on. She worked at General Motors. Money was good but she got worse. She was always complaining about how tried she was. She took it out on my brother and I alot. She was always screaming at us about how we didn't appreciate her, and she's hit on us. The b/fs never got better either. One day she slipped on an air hose. She hurt her back badly and couldn't work. Everything down hill then......she ended up killing herself.

My Story: I was an aspiring model at the age of 16. By the time I was 18 is when my mom couldn't work anymore and I was still trying to model. I meet an older man who was a photographer. He wanted me to marry him. I did. I didn't want to ....but mom and I needed a place to live. We were evicited form the house she was buying. (My brother moved in with my dad). I was a homemaker in this so called marriage. It wasn't a real marriage; he and I knew it was just "arrangement" for living. My mom lived with us until one day I couldn't take her always screaming.....my brother got on his feet and moved back to the city that we were living in....so I kicked mom out and she went to my brother. I remained married - got used to it. I was getting to where I wanted to leave and badly!!! My brother got to where he couldn't handle mom either and threatened to kick her out on the streets....she commited suicide. I then got divorced.

I moved in with my dad and his current wife. Lived with them for about 1 1/2 years. I tried working off and on. Then I meet the man of my dreams-----WOW! I worked with him in his business......Bromeliads. How I love the plants. And our job took us to Mexico and Costa Rica!!! We always traveled. He opened up a new world for me. God how I love him. Then I caught him cheating on me. I was crushed, hurt and angry yet so in love. I stayed longer. During that time he broke my arm and didn't mind slapping me around. He started his lying and cheating again. After 5 years of happiness and pain I left him. Basically a confused housewife that worked with her man. I endend up back at my dad's. I started seening a mental health doctor and he put me on meds and said to say at dad's until I get better. For 2 year I've not the desire to meet a new man. I cried and pined my heart out for my old b/f. Then out of the blue he calls...wanting to get back with me. We tried it for 2 months. It didn't work out.

Now for the rest of the story: I'm 32... and living with dad and his wife (my bestfriend). My ex is 41. He was living with a woman and called me and said he wanted us to get back together. A few days later he called an said "come and get me". We did. He moved in with my family and I. He didn't have a vechile and was borrowing my step-moms. My dad loaned him the money to get a van. While here...all he did was to bitch at me. I have imsomina bad and I'm bipolar. He knows this from our 1st time. He bitched at me for that. He's other girlfriend called here and he'd talk to her in priviate. He could see my emails but I wasn't allowed to see his. No matter what I did it wasn't right. So he left after 2 months. Oh yea, he didn't want me talking to my stepmom either. He told me he hated her.....who knows why. I'm still in love with him.

Now here I am 32 confused and scared. I'm lonely and depressed. All I know is how to be a housewife. I'm trying the date lines. I've meet a handful of men who knows my situation and undersands...they haven't a problem with homemakers. Most prefer working women. I'm afraid. Never really worked before. What work I have done I hated and quit in no time. I did enjoy working for myself (well, with my ex). I think about doing the plants again and having my own business. But it reminds me of him.

I think of suicide now......what is the meaning of life - my life? None! I'm afraid to step out on my own. Never came even close to it. Have you ladies ever seen such a panty- waste? Such a waste in a life? HELP ME!!!!! Please any comments or suggestions may help me. Do I try to meet the guys on the date lines? I'm in love with my ex - how do I get over him? Work - afraid to "get out on my own!!" Still seeing my doc....he laughs at me. I've never had a doc to laugh at me. I miss my old doctor.

Suicide is on my mind - STRONGLY!!!!!

StormyMoon

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
In reply to: stormymoon111
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:33am

((((StormyMoon))))


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
In reply to: stormymoon111
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:57am

(((stormymoon111)))


I can't really add anything to the wonderful advice Samantha gave you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
In reply to: stormymoon111
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 1:34pm

I’m truly at a loss for words or either overwhelmed with to many thoughts not knowing where to start. I want you to know that things will get better for you in time. First you will need to pull your self together and become strong again and learn to believe in yourself. You are a wonderful person and you still have your Dad and your step-mom (your best friend) they love you and need you.
I'm almost 30 yrs. Old with 2 children and single working full time. It is so hard out here on your own but if I can do it so can you. Just think of what interest you the most and go for it, try it and see how you like it. I think if you try and get a job this will help you get out of the house and meet friends (girlfriends) that is what you need right now to help you become strong and bring some joy to your world.

Don’t give up on this world. I have had these thoughts many of times only I have my children that need me. Since I left my x-bf of 11 years, I have met many guys and fell in love with one and all he did is lie and cheat. So now I'm back at a broken heart feeling as you do “what is the point?” well lots of reasons we have other people that do really care and we need to be strong for us. I have cried and cried as I did last night and I feel a little better today each time I feel it makes me stronger. Please do not give up on yourself. We are here as long as you need to talk> I'm so worried about you if you need to cry I'm here , e-mail or how ever I can help I want to help you. I k now that a broken heart is VERY hard to repair but I have given up hope that I will ever find the right man but maybe if I don’t look he will come to me. I know how scary this world can be but all you can do is getting out one step at a time. I hope that this is making sense to you and that it is helping you just a little. I would love to tell you the things I have gone through so maybe you could know that you are NOT alone and that we all have gone through some of what you have gone through.

I'm sorry for all your heartache and pain but pleassssse just hold on and work on you and no one else. LOVE yourself and give yourself all you can to make yourself happy and to be the person you want to be. Have faith that things can and will look up in time for both of us and we can go through this together if you will let us help you.

Take care
Bettina

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
In reply to: stormymoon111
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 2:21pm

(((Stormymoon)) Welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
In reply to: stormymoon111
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 2:28pm

First of all, congratulations on making it this far! :) You are one heck of a strong and tough woman.

If people heard your story, you surely will inspire a lot of people. And if A LOT of people heard your story, you surely will inspire A LOT of people. And how can YOU inspire a lot of people? Write a book! I admit that I, along with I'm sure a lot of participants here, am already inspired by the "short" story that you have shared with us. It was an honor to read your story. But the full-length feature would be even more awesome!

Try to get in touch with several book publishers and tell them the story that you've just shared with us here. In case they don't publish, you can self-publish. Try:

http://xlibris.com

http://lulu.com

http://downloadpress.com

You have lived a life worthy of a Nicole Kidman (Julia Roberts?) movie. It would be a waste if you didn't share your story (along with the lessons that it has to offer) to others. Try writing. At the very least, it is very good therapy. Good luck.

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anonymous user
In reply to: stormymoon111
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 5:21pm
Hey there. You have been through so much, and you have been strong enough to weather it until now, so I know you can continue. I think that a relationship with a man should be the LAST thing on your mind right now. I think too often that women define themselves according to their relationships (I dont know if you do) because they dont know themselves well enough. Right now my advice is to completely focus on yourself. Think about getting a job just to help you out financially right now. Meanwhile, think about joining some groups or clubs that interest you. Make some friends, find hobbies that you like. Get to know yourself and like yourself. I think only then will you find a relationship that is really healthy because you will hopefully have gained some confidence & have higher standards for a relationship b/c u will realize you are worth a great guy & no less! Please dont commit suicide. LEt us know how you are doing. HUGS to you...Ive felt like dying too and I know that if I can make it, you can too. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2004
In reply to: stormymoon111
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 5:29pm
Thanks Samantha....I may need to talk to you off the board...I'm sooooo scared...I really need a friend to talk to .....
StormyMoon
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2004
In reply to: stormymoon111
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 5:41pm

I want to thank all of you for your help and support...I am glad I decided to post the situation. I need friends. I'm so scared and lonely. Very confused. My "right" mind told me to do this....my other side says just do it and quit stalling. Going to try to get a FEMALE doctor. Great idea. Maybe another woman can help. My current doc is a man. I don't think he likes women or something.

Will let everyone know in a few days what's happening to me.
Hugs to all of you......My new friends

Brightest Blessings to all of you
StormyMoon

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
In reply to: stormymoon111
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 6:21pm
You are MORE than welcome to email me anytime you need to! I check it several times a day, so feel free, I'll help any way I can! *hugs* Samantha



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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
In reply to: stormymoon111
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 6:52pm

If you ever want to chat Im online at night

MY yahoo IM is shygirl_1012004
My MSN will be schwarztina@ hotmail.com

Feel free to IM me if you really need to chat!
BEttina

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