triggers

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
triggers
2
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 2:19pm
hello,
im new here. i was searching for someone to talk to. I have so many questions. I guess I could give you a history to help. I was raised by an abusive alcoholic father, and abusive mother. I have a brother who is just a little younger, and two younger sisters. As a child I remember wishing to GOd that I were someone else. I hated the way I looked, I hated the way I talked, you name it, I hated it. I would cry for no reason, all the time. I remember being sent home from school in the first grade b/c I was crying. At 12 I started piercing myself and I noticed I liked it. Alot. So I started cutting myself. I have stopped that. Anyway, my parents were divorced (thank God) when I was 14. My mother then put me in my first mental hospital!! It was awful, when I got out I started drinking and doing drugs. For about 10 years I was drunk. I did awful things all of time. I wanted to live my life as fast as possible. I had a baby, then my depression came back full force. I was unable to eat, sleep, bathe, have sex with my fiance, or even go outside! I started having delusions that my dead friend was following me everywhere. I didn't know for sure if I was really where i was. I lost touch with reality. I was scared. So eventually after 2 trips to the ER I got into another hospital. The meds they put me on were worse than the drugs and alcohol i was taking recreationally. I've been hospitalized two more times since then. The medications are horrible for me. I've tried 16 different ones. I didn't even know there were that many. On these meds I gained 30 pounds, I was either speeding out, or doped up so bad I would get paralyzed. I would have nightmares. The medications weren't doing ME any justice. I decided that I was going to work on my body from the inside out, with no drugs. I took my last drink 5/11/04, (when I overdosed on anxiety medication.) I have not had any alcohol, or pharmeceuticals since. I lost about 40 pounds (which is another issue), and I was doing great. I didn't know what to expect, but iwas scared. Now, I have lost all of my friends. I pushed everyone away, and I'm too scared to make new friends. I am severly insecure, and I panic when I'm in a room with more than one person that I don't know. My mother is too wrapped up in herself and telling my brother and sisters how awful I am. I have noone. I know that my fiance thinks I'm crazy. He's probably tired of hearing about all of my crap, and seeing me depressed. I feel like a lost cause. I'm so sad, and I don't know what to do. This debilitating feeling of loneliness is killing me. The biggest thing that bothers me is that i have 4 yr old girl, and though I'm a little better than before, I want her to have so many things that I just can't provide her with right now. Education, self-esteem, adventure, and I don't want to ruin her. Like I said I have noone, so she doesn't even have a decent grand-parent, or anything. It's just me, and my fiance 2 days out of the week. I'm really glad I can vent. Does anyone know what to do when you are severly depressed? How can i get out of this? usdez
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
In reply to:
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 4:39pm
Your situation is kind of similar to mine. I was raised in a family with a drunk mother and actually, a half way decent step father until he started to fall into my mothers footsteps. Anyways, to make a long story short, I know how it feels to be so depressed to the point of self destruction. When I was younger, I used to hide in a closet and pray that I was some where else because I was so scared. I am still suffering from a severe manic depression and I can honestly say that I still to this day, have not been able to figure out how to overcome this illness. I am sorry that doesn't sound to encouraging but I do want you to know that you are not alone and I know how you are feeling to some extent. The best thing I can say is to hang in there and continue to talk on this board. It's amazing how a stranger can make you feel better!

Things can only go down so Far until they have to come back up.....

*Fighting for a Reason..

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 5:58pm
thank you so much for replying. I was looking at your profile and the best thing I ever did was stand up to mother and take control of my life too! We currently are not speaking, but let me tell you, it's much better. I remember praying that my father would spare us for the night, and sometimes it worked. That is why I have faith. And the closet was my favorite place to hide when I was sad, or scared. YOur reply was, in fact, encouraging to me b/c now I know that there is hope for me to have a normal relationship with someone. Any pointers? You made me smile. Thank you. usdez