Doomed To Forever Be Miserable
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Doomed To Forever Be Miserable
| Thu, 11-18-2004 - 5:55pm |
Only twenty-one years old and I already feel as though I've survived a lifetime's worth of pain and sadness. It may surprise you at first, or perhaps you may laugh and think,"Oh, this girl...she doesn't even know what pain is,"--and I really don't mean to make anyone else's problems pale in comparison, but honestly...I am utterly and totally tired of suffering. I don't have anymore will to live. About the only thing keeping me alive is my boyfriend (we shall call him "H"); and even he is responsible for about 60% of my misery. Shall I start at the beginning? My childhood was very lonely first of all, me being the middle child and therefore always being picked on and lacking attention. To escape from this world of neglect, I turned to writing. Writing is perhaps the one other thing holding me together now; it is the one passion and dream that remains for me. As an adolescent, I was always depressed and feeling unattractive; fearing that I would never find someone to love me...
My luck changed of course when I met my boyfriend at school. We were very best friends for about a year and a half, and then we began dating. Our relationship went smoothly for about six months...and then the fighting began.
For those of you who don't know what it's like, the most terrible thing in the world is loving someone, so much....so much that you would give anything for them, no matter what the sacrifice...but then always getting into fights with them. It is just so heart-wrenching because you sit and cry and feel your heart break apart, wondering,"I LOVE HIM/HER! Why do we have to fight so much?".
The event that I believe triggered the very severe depression/anxiety I am now experiencing, was when he actually walked out on me this past summer for about a month. A month sounds so...small, when I write it, but for me, it was a Hell that went on for nearly an eternity. He did not tell me he wanted to break up, or anything. He just decided one day to up and vanish like a figure into darkness. Ignored my phonecalls, housecalls, E-mails...everything.
I would..COULD do nothing but CRY my lungs out, for hours at a time...until blissful sleep would just claim me and take me away from the pain..
You must understand that, my love for this person...after having built it up for so many years as a lonely individual...was so strong..
My attachment to him is so fierce, I honestly feel I would die without him.
I lost ten pounds in two weeks; YES it is possible. I was so haggard and ill and broken by the time he decided to come back to me...but then when he returned (and we've been together ever since...), he was different, too. Firstly he blamed me for all of our fights and bade me agree with him on it...even though I was shocked and hurt that he could take no fault at all. He also demands that everything is perfect; whenever I come to him with problems about depression and fearing that he is going to just, take off again (which is a fear I cry over EVERY SINGLE DAY)...he sighs and tells me that I am always bringing misery into our relationship and that I need to "lighten up" and just work with him towards a brighter future.
My God...I do Love him with all of my heart, and I would definitely be happy if we could rebuild our relationship and be together forever...but it seems so unlikely. I cry and cry...for every little thing. I cry when I wake up, I cry all day at work sometimes...I don't know why...
I cannot identify what it is that troubles me EXACTLY..I just know that it has something to do with all that I have written. Also, I failed my roadtest and I hate being so dependent on others to drive me places. My job doesn't pay me nearly enough; because I keep wanting to move out and buy a car, etc. I'm not doing well in school because my misery takes away my ability to focus on ANYTHING but my troubles...
I feel as though I want to quit school, and just...either find a way to work fulltime or...
Or I don't know what...
Swallowing an entire bottle of sleeping pills sounds so tempting sometimes, it frightens me. I can't imagine killing myself...I really want to live to see happier days but sometimes I feel as though I will never make it there...
Whatever happiness I am ever granted...is soon RIPPED away from me, somehow.
What should I do?...
My luck changed of course when I met my boyfriend at school. We were very best friends for about a year and a half, and then we began dating. Our relationship went smoothly for about six months...and then the fighting began.
For those of you who don't know what it's like, the most terrible thing in the world is loving someone, so much....so much that you would give anything for them, no matter what the sacrifice...but then always getting into fights with them. It is just so heart-wrenching because you sit and cry and feel your heart break apart, wondering,"I LOVE HIM/HER! Why do we have to fight so much?".
The event that I believe triggered the very severe depression/anxiety I am now experiencing, was when he actually walked out on me this past summer for about a month. A month sounds so...small, when I write it, but for me, it was a Hell that went on for nearly an eternity. He did not tell me he wanted to break up, or anything. He just decided one day to up and vanish like a figure into darkness. Ignored my phonecalls, housecalls, E-mails...everything.
I would..COULD do nothing but CRY my lungs out, for hours at a time...until blissful sleep would just claim me and take me away from the pain..
You must understand that, my love for this person...after having built it up for so many years as a lonely individual...was so strong..
My attachment to him is so fierce, I honestly feel I would die without him.
I lost ten pounds in two weeks; YES it is possible. I was so haggard and ill and broken by the time he decided to come back to me...but then when he returned (and we've been together ever since...), he was different, too. Firstly he blamed me for all of our fights and bade me agree with him on it...even though I was shocked and hurt that he could take no fault at all. He also demands that everything is perfect; whenever I come to him with problems about depression and fearing that he is going to just, take off again (which is a fear I cry over EVERY SINGLE DAY)...he sighs and tells me that I am always bringing misery into our relationship and that I need to "lighten up" and just work with him towards a brighter future.
My God...I do Love him with all of my heart, and I would definitely be happy if we could rebuild our relationship and be together forever...but it seems so unlikely. I cry and cry...for every little thing. I cry when I wake up, I cry all day at work sometimes...I don't know why...
I cannot identify what it is that troubles me EXACTLY..I just know that it has something to do with all that I have written. Also, I failed my roadtest and I hate being so dependent on others to drive me places. My job doesn't pay me nearly enough; because I keep wanting to move out and buy a car, etc. I'm not doing well in school because my misery takes away my ability to focus on ANYTHING but my troubles...
I feel as though I want to quit school, and just...either find a way to work fulltime or...
Or I don't know what...
Swallowing an entire bottle of sleeping pills sounds so tempting sometimes, it frightens me. I can't imagine killing myself...I really want to live to see happier days but sometimes I feel as though I will never make it there...
Whatever happiness I am ever granted...is soon RIPPED away from me, somehow.
What should I do?...

I think writing is a great coping mechanism for sadness. Have you thought of writing poetry or stories? I suppose you already have, but I think that is a great way to relieve the pressure. Please let us know how you are doing, and I think that its a great sign that at 21 you already recognize your main issues..its the first step to dealing with them. All the best, take care & HUGS
Hi, thanks so much for what you wrote for me...
Firstly, it is strange because I don't KNOW, sometimes if it is a good relationship or a bad one. I have a lot of friends telling me that it's a good relationship because now that he has come back, he is not going to leave and we will just sort out our problems, OR even if he is insensitive to my problems, that pales in comparison to the fact that he DOES love me and will take care of me (because he's so protective, etc.)
However, a lot of other friends also tell me that no, it is not a good relationship and that the fact that I am worried and sad all the time is sign enough. They say I should be with someone to whom I can pour out all my troubles.
I have tried, yes, to speak to my boyfriend about my issues but...he is very immature and very selfish right now (he NEVER used to be this way...he used to be so romantic and sweet and all about taking care of the woman he loves..) that he tells me that he wishes I would stop bringing all of this up to him and just 'relax'. So basically, he turns MY problems into problems with the relationship. He tells me I am ruining things by depressing him and making him feel guilty. But should he NOT be feeling guilty?
Whenever he has a problem, you can be certain that I bend over backwards to try and help him. I would never EVER say to someone I loved, that their problems were depressing me and I wish they would stop bringing them up.
Once again, though, some people agree with him. My own mother even said,"Maybe you should try to stop always bringing up your problems and just TRY to be happy. Maybe when you keep bringing it all up, you're disrupting the healing process between you two,".
So see, it leaves me in such a strange position.
You're right about one thing though. I think it hurts so much more to be away from him, than it does to be suffering this depression with him. I don't know what I should do. I keep hoping that yes, since I'm only twenty-one and I've already figured out what I should be doing...maybe if I just keep holding on and waiting, things will fall into place themselves.
About leaving the pamphlets lying around; I actually think I will try that. I often WISH he could speak to a psychiatrist, or that somehow he'd read about how badly he is treating me, without ME having to bring it up to him. I feel like if he realizes it on his own somehow, things will be better.
I honestly wish one of his friends would just take notice of how unhappy he makes me sometimes, and would mention it to him. That would honestly teach him a lesson that he REALLY needs to learn.
I Feel like I have spoiled him and done far too much for him, that he now is just so over-confident and proud...that's why he is incapable of realizing all that I do for him.
I bet he feels like he could go and find another girl, easy, and have her put up with all the things I've put up with. He's wrong though. A LOT of other girls have told me they'd never put up with the things he does.
Sorry to babble on so much but it does help me to vent. And in answer to your question, yes I am actually an aspiring novelist as I have been since I was about twelve years old :) I might actually get published this Christmas and hopefully my book will become a bestseller.
Thanks again for all your support.
I'm going to try and swallow my sadness down for today...but I will be back to write more if it proves too difficult.