lost soul
Find a Conversation
lost soul
| Thu, 11-18-2004 - 7:52pm |
wow, just when i thought it couldn't get any worse....should have never of said it...well i only recieved one response to my hurt that i was experiencing the other day, i really needed more but i realize everyone has busy lives, well today i think i hit my limit..i want out of life, out of being a mother, everything...life is just so overwhelming for me right now...my car broke down, i live miles from the nearest store which doesnt matter because i am flat broke. we are running out of food and even dish soap, toothpaste, ect. and i cant even ask for help...i don't know where to begin anyways and right now i just cant deal with more than one or two people at a time, thanksgiving right, we dont even have bread for peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches. after a long fight with my "patner" who is presently unemployed and can't find a ride into town to look for work, who is also bi-polar, living with me being bi-polar is hard as it is but two of us, not in therapy or on meds is just crazy, well that doesnt matter cuz he's leaving me tomorrow to go to the homeless shelter, i kinda lost it on him today.....it really isnt all his fault but i thought i had reached the end of my ropes the other day...tonite i just want to die. i sit here wondering how.....i've had 5 unsuccessful attemps but 3 where pretty close, of couse most think i am just looking for attention or feeling sorry for myself...but i'm lost, hurt tired sick confused....i'm so very tired...the way my 15 year daughter is talking and treating me these last couple of days i know she would be happier..i feel like i am bringing everybody done...thanks for listening i just want my head to stop, i want the pain to stop i just cant handle it

M--
I imagine that so many of us have been in that place, of wanting to let go, that we don't always know what to say in this situation. I know I struggle many, many times with this. And, what to say? I don't always know the right thing to say.
So, I'll just say this. I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. I can hear your pain.
I don't know if any of these things are the "right" thing. So, take what you need and leave the rest.
I want to focus on triage for YOU. Just you. Focus on you.
1) I know when I feel myself slipping down, down towards the bottom, I visualize a pool. I visualize my toes touching bottom and then my feet pushing off towards the surface. It is so much easier to push off the bottom than to try to fight for the surface if you have nothing to push off of. I've made friends with the bottom.
2) Your body and your mind are reacting very naturally to these external stress factors. It is okay to want to escape...it means that you are emotionally very healthy actually, to react that way. It is natural. We just need to brainstorm ways that you can escape for a little while and then just face one thing. Just one. But that is for later. Right now, I want you to think of small things...very small things...that will comfort and tend to parts of yourself. These small things will not be able to erase what is going on, but they are part of taking care of yourself.
So, what are these things? What might they be?
-Headphones with music that will wash over you in waves...for me, Norah Jones, some Indigo Girls songs, Sarah McLachlan...those songs are very emotionally powerful for me.
-Swaddling yourself--very tightly--in a warm comforter. As tight as you can make it.
-Scented candles...turning out the lights and breathing in the scent of a lovely candle.
-Herbal tea...making hot water in the microwave and pressing the warm mug to my heart.
-Massaging my feet and hands with lotion....really paying attention to them and massaging and comforting them.
3) I want you to post again so that we know that you have done at least one of these things (or something else that is a SMALL comfort) for YOURSELF.
4) If you need to connect and talk to someone, I want you to call this toll free number: 1-800-784-2433 Someone will talk with you. They want you to call them
5) I want you to post the name of the city closest to you so that we can help you to find some triage resources. There are people who want to help, they want to extend a hand. They will be happy to know you.
6) And I want you read this poem by Mary Oliver:
Landscape
Isn't it plain the sheets of moss, except that
they have no tongues, could lecture
all day if they wanted about
spiritual patience? Isn't it clear
the black oaks along the path are standing
as though they were the most fragile of flowers ?
Every morning I walk like this around
the pond, thinking: if the doors of my heart
ever close, I am as good as dead.
Every morning, so far, I'm alive. And now
the crows break off from the rest of the darkness
and burst up into the sky -- as though
all night they had thought of what they would like
their lives to be, and imagined
their strong, thick wings.
__________________________________
M--Imagine your thick strong wings....
It sounds like you are in a tough situation. Is there a food bank that you can go to? Or are there any helplines in your phone book? There must be something out there, and I pray & believe that u can find it.
Ive had 2 1/2 (one time I stopped myself in the middle of it) suicide attempts. I was treated like I wanted attn when I went to the hospital after. The feeling is horrible when ppl treat you that way right after that trauma.
I dont think your daughter will be happy at all if you leave her, she will be devistated I know. I think at least partly the reason she has been acting this way is b/c she is probably under a lot of stress at home & in other areas in her life. She needs you and loves you. Other ppl need & love you, you need yourself too.
If worse comes to worse then you can apply for social assistance, and meanwhile try to get back up on your feet. It can be a temporary arrangement so that you can have some $ to rely on.
I really hope that this helps. Im sorry that my post probably doesnt sound very warm, its just b/c Im having a hard time myself & Im very tired physically, but I think you are more than worth writing to b/c you can make it :) Please look into resources in your area that can help you. If you are part of a church, then they will surely help you too. Take care & PLEASE let us know how you are doing. HUGS
M-
Just checking in...how's it going? What little thing did you do to take care of yourself today?
jm