Why do I do this?Am I the only one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Why do I do this?Am I the only one?
4
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 2:37pm

I'm 40 and I've done this since I was 16 to certain people. If a person who once liked me turns his/her back on me for no apparant reason, it becomes an obsession for me. I smother the person with kindness and little gifts, hoping to win them back. It embarrassingly has turned into stalking/haunting situtions and the person ends up hating my guts. . . . At 16 it was silly high school boyfriends. At 19-24 it was an alcoholic drug addict who used me for $10,000 ~ I couldn't get enough of him, but he was cruel to me and I kept going back for more. Now it's a set of couple friends who are icing up and not reciprocating. I am taking Wellbutrin and trying to be mature about the situation ~ but it is driving me insane. I keep setting myself up for more pain and embarrassment with them.

I have a doctorates degree, I'm intelligent, attractive. I can't take people "slipping" away when I don't know the reason! WHY? WHY DO I DO THIS?

Currently I'm a stay at home mom, which I love, but I have no "best" friend. I find it hard making friends, and once I have one and it casually fades I obsess. HELP

I often wonder if I have ADD ~ I worked like hec educating myself, but i have a tough time reading, concentrating. . . . Recently Dr. Phil told a woman with ADD she is addicted to certain feelings when she cheated on her husband. the other man gave her a "high." I get a "high" I guess when I get a more positive reaction that i want out of certain people who have hurt my feelings. . . .




Edited 11/19/2004 2:46 pm ET ET by amicod
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 3:22pm
Not sure how to respond to this one. I think maybe you should try to just let them friends go. I sometimes wonder why people do not want to be friends with me but you know they are the once missing out on a real friend. I think try and direct your obsession on something else. I love plants and get addicted to them.
True friends are the once that will not use you for what you can do and this is a lesson I'm still learning as well. I know this must be very hard to handle but do the best you can, take one day at a time. Instead of calling, tracking them down truly find something else that will interest you a hobby or something. Good luck with all of this.
Take care,
Bettina
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 5:37pm
Hi. Im so glad I saw this when I did. I am the same way. I think it's a codependency issue. I'm not sure. Every time I meet someone new, I try everything I can to keep them around. Maybe it's abandonment issues? I'm sorry I'm trying to gather my thoughts. I'm always looking for a friend. I have this horrible image of myself, I don't feel like I deserve any friends. I feel like, if someone doesn't like me, then thats there loss. but, on the other hand, I desperatly want friends. Does this make any sense? I had a friend, recently, who has stopped calling me everyday, and I automatically think it's an action against me. This time I'm more fed up than anything. I'm angry that I can't keep friends. I had a friend tell me he was coming over the following week, and every single day I was like, "hmmmm, i wonder if it's going to be today?" i'm obsessed! It's funny b/c i feel like I'm an educated person too. Maybe we know a bit more about being kind, and true friends than others, and it puts our expectations higher than they should be. I don't know. I wish I had the answers, but I just wanted to let you know I'm right here with ya! Desirae
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 6:10pm

Thanks for your understanding.

I feel like I'm normal, look normal, act normal. That abusive boyfriend was a codep. thing that I was on antidepressants for.

I'm hung up on a woman now ~ I'm not gay ~ I'm happily married with kids. The hot/cold thing is obsessing me and depressing me. I'm very shy ~ am I boring to her?

I can't deal with people who do not like me!
:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 8:51pm

((Amicod))) I think you touch upon many things that all of us go through. The frustration and irrational behaviore after a break up. Often, we have unexplained self destructive behavior. I, in fact have experienced some of the same stuff. I did the same types of things...after an emotionally abusive relationship.

You sound like a caring human. Sometimes we feel like the good stuff should come back to us. It will, you are here. Here you will find many people who have been through similar things.

I don't know why we do the things we do, but at least you can share them here. Sharing helps.

Welcome.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
Co-CL Depression Support