Feeling hopeless...triggers

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Feeling hopeless...triggers
6
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 12:53am

Nothing in particular has happened since yesterday, but I have no idea how I felt so elated just 24 hours ago (was that only yesterday?). The pain is just overwhelming...I feel like I can barely stand it. I hate posting something so depressing here, especially when I haven't been around to support others...but I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today, and I'd been counting on that for some help in getting through this. She had suggestions (medications, etc, but things I'd tried or things with side effects like sleepiness, when I already have so much trouble keeping my eyes open). Nothing came of it.

I guess there's not much else to say. I've been trying, forcing myself to eat at least a bare minimum even with stomach problems and no appetite...even exercised yesterday, although I've skipped most days this week. I know better than to act on my overwhelming urges to cause myself pain...but it is so hard. I guess it's a good thing that I'm so tired...maybe I can go bury my head in the covers for a while and hope this all goes away.

I'm sorry, I know this probably doesn't sound completely like me. I apologize again for being so depressing. I just don't know what else to do.

Thanks for listening,

Rose

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Registered: 11-04-1999
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 2:52am

Rose: I hope you got some much deserved sleep. I never went to a psychiatrist as get my med from the family Dr, but my therapist has saved my life and then some, so are you still seeing one of those?

My moods can go up and down quickly also, I never know is it the depression, the anxiety, a stressful job or being 48 and my hormones are wacko and then some.

Do something really special for yourself today as you so deserve it! Take care, hugs, Josie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 8:47am

(((((Rose)))))


Don't worry about sharing your difficult times here. That is what we are here for! When you are better you may be able to offer some support to others but for right now, you are the one that needs support and that is OK.


I cycle quickly too - usually every 4 days or so - I tend to be depressed longer than i am hypomanic, which is a drag, but I'm starting to accept it as part of my life now. Ditto for what Josie said about therapy. Also, consider checking out the DBSA - Depression Bipolar Support Alliance, if you haven't already

peace and love,

just_a_big_kid

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 11:23pm

Thanks so much for your kind words, Josie...I did get some sleep, but woke up feeling exhausted as usual anyway. I've been planning on giving up caffeinated soda, but without it (just one a day, though) I spend the day in a complete fog.

I have seen therapists for many years...and this new psychiatrist I'm seeing is basically acting as a therapist for me...we have nearly hour-long sessions, and she hasn't prescribed any new meds for me yet (although she has suggested a few possibilities). The only self-described therapist here at school told me my situation was too complicated or involved for her, so she referred me to my current psychiatrist for therapy.

But we've spent the appointments talking a lot about my relationship with my sister, my feeling of always having been "second best" in life...things that I haven't consciously thought about in a long time and don't really even want to think about. But as much as I dislike it, I can see a lot of those themes still exerting control over my life...for example, I feel like I'm worthless because I'm not the writer and poet that my sister is.

Sorry to go on again...and again I apologize for not replying to posts. I'm still down in the dumps today, although I've tried to use schoolwork to distract myself from it... and my physical discomfort is a bit of a distraction as well (all of a sudden, I've come down with a cold, and I've been achy and just worn out). Tomorrow I'm supposed to volunteer at a health fair...maybe getting out will help some. Thanks again for your post to me...it means a lot,

Rose

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 11:38pm

Thanks so much, Sue...I really feel like I can relate to you as well, even though you are many steps ahead of me on the career pathway, lol! I appreciate the suggestions...I will look into the DBSA you mentioned (I hadn't heard of that before), although I'd also feel hesitant to go for fear that someone would recognize me...but at some point, I know I'd just have to face that fear.

I've probably mentioned this so often that people are sick of hearing it...but I still haven't found out exactly if I'm bipolar or not, so I don't know whether to count this as "cycling" or as just depression that comes and goes (well, it comes more often than it goes, but you know what I mean).

This is the second psychiatrist I've seen in this city...she focuses more on the therapy aspect, whereas my former doctor focused almost completely on medication. Both of these doctors (like a few doctors I saw in years past) have had to be "creative" in a way, since I have been on so many antidepressants with either no benefit or too many side effects.

At my last appointment, this psychiatrist suggested a few possibilities: maybe Neurontin as a mood stabilizer (but she said it makes most people sleepy, and I am already halfway sleep-walking), or Remeron to help my appetite (I took the lowest dose a few years ago and slept for 16 hours out of the day), or maybe going back on a low dose of Effexor (which I took for several years--it was helpful for the depression--but eventually went off of it because I was too sleepy to function well).

Sorry, probably too much detail again. I'm guessing that my hesitancy to try new meds makes me seem like a "difficult" patient...yesterday, the psychiatrist ended up asking me, "well, what do you think we should do?". At that point, all I could do was cry... and finally came out with the words to tell her how hopeless the situation seems to me. She didn't ask that question in a mean way at all...but the fact is, there doesn't seem to be much that can be done...I know it is ultimately me who has to deal with this.

Sorry to ramble...guess I'm headed for bed, even though I have a lot of catching up to do for school...I hope this downward cycle, emotionally and physically, doesn't continue. I hadn't been planning on going home for Thanksgiving (this would be my first year alone, but the flights were expensive, and we only get a few days off)...but my mom is trying to convince me to make a last-minute flight anyway (I haven't told her exactly how I'm doing, but I guess she worries anyway). I think I'll stay here, though.

Thanks for listening and for the support...I really appreciate it,

Rose

Edit: Oh, one thing I do like about this psychiatrist...when she suggested going off my current antidepressants to try something else and I told her that these have been the meds that have made my fibromyalgia almost disappear, she said that while she didn't understand exactly where fibromyalgia came from, she did believe that I have extreme pain and that it goes away with these meds. That's a step in the right direction from my old psychiatrist, who tried to convince me the pain was just a symptom of my depression...so I appreciate that at least.




Edited 11/20/2004 11:59 pm ET ET by rosa444
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 8:24am

Hi Rose -


I forget from all these posts - what med(s) are you on now?


It took my pdoc awhile (and me to buy into it) that I have Bipolar II. And he still doesn't focus on the diagnosis, but coming up with a combination that helps the depression and cuts down on the cycling, I'm always depressed more than hypomanic - and there are times when I think some of the hypomania is "normal" compared to what I was feeling before. So my pdoc said that whether I have bipolar or whether I have recurrent or cycling depression (cyclothymia, whatever, there are so many different diagnoses these days), he thinks that a mood stabilizer with antidepressive effects will be helpful - he put me on Lamictal, and we're still waiting (I cycled up yesterday amidst an anxiety attack) but we've had to go up on the dose slowly to avoid major side effects ( the dreaded "Lamictal rash").


There are some commonalities, but everyone reacts differently to all the meds. Neurontin DID NOT make me sleepy and it was while i was still on a high dose (which I'm still on for anxiety - not sure if it's adding much to the cocktail -LOL) i started cycling. Remeron DID make me sleepy, and I had the best 2 years of sleep ever (of course, if I took it too late, then it was hard to get up - it meant going to bed earlier which I know is difficult when you have studying to do - for the same reason that I am behind in my paperwork!); however, he weaned me off of it recently in case it was contributing to the cycling like many of the antidepressants do, and I didn't need to gain the 100 pounds that i have over the past 2 years. So there was a trade-off - I'm not sleeping as well now, but I assume my body will get used to it. Effexor made me really agitated (but then again, so do all of the SSRI's which is why I am STILL on a small dose of klonopin which I havent' been ablt to wean off of in the past four years - got on it to counteract the side effects of the antidepressants because i really needed them!


Like you, probably too many details. But it's worth discussing new options with your new doc. It seems like you are really sensitive to these meds like I am, and although I hate taking as many pills as I am now, if this is the cocktail that ultimately works, I'll learn to live with it (I feel like my grandma, counting out my pills and putting them in daily (4 times/day) dispensers every week) so i don't forget to take anything!).


And I'm sure the fibromyalgia complicates matters. I have a really good friend who is an attorney that i met at a holistic wellness workshop and her symptoms took a long time to get under control. I'm glad that your new pdoc is more open to that.


Lots of hugs, remember, you need to take care of yourself first, and you don't need to disclose everything to your family. When I do, then I get bombarded with concerned emails and phone calls, which i don't really need right now. i tell them on a need to know basis (LOL). And I'm flying out to my dad's for Thanksgiving and it will be really hectic, lots of kids and dogs running around, but he doesn't really understand what I am going through because we live so far apart, so maybe I'll use some of the time to talk to him about it. On the other hand, I live too close to my mom, and have told her too much, and she's driving me nuts now (no pun inteneded!).


peace and love,

just_a_big_kid

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 10:52pm

Sue, thanks so much...it helps a lot to know that someone understands and has been through a somewhat similar situation. I can definitely relate to the issue of bipolar II possibly complicating things. To answer your question, I'm on Pamelor (25 mg) and Prozac (20 mg) daily...and unfortunately this is the highest level of Pamelor I can take...I had my blood levels checked when I was taking 35 mg, and they were too high. I also take a supplement (5-HTP) for depression and migraines, and it seems to help a lot...but few doctors have heard of it, in my experience.

So the fibromyalgia does complicate things as well...these two meds were both originally prescribed for it...the Pamelor helped some, but only after my doctor added the Prozac did I finally feel major relief from the pain. So the idea of going off of either of those is hard...but I suppose adding more isn't out of the question (I have my grandmotherly-like pill box as well!), but you're right that I'm very sensitive to side effects generally (most often extreme sleepiness, even if that's not a common side effect!).

Thanks for sharing your experiences with the various meds...it's good to know that not everyone has had the side effects that worry me. Neurontin I guess could be especially good if it helped migraines (as I've heard it can)...but my strongest memory associated with this med is seeing another patient in the psych ward on it who slept through every single meeting and event! Still, I guess it could affect me differently.

And I can also relate on the parents issues...my mom is still strongly hinting that I should come down there for Thanksgiving, but I have kind of gotten used to the idea of sticking around here, plus I think I could use some "alone time" and study time! It may be lonely, though...I guess one of the reasons I feel like I have to keep my parents semi-informed is that twice in the past, I didn't tell them I was struggling, and the first they heard about it was when I called them from the hospital telling them I was being forced to check in (ugh, sorry if that is triggering, I hope it's not). But with any luck, the need for hospitalization is behind me...although I have felt so awful lately that I still wonder.

So thanks again...I hope you are doing well,

Rose




Edited 11/21/2004 10:53 pm ET ET by rosa444