Oh no! :-(
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| Sat, 11-20-2004 - 4:06pm |
So from my last post you know that I was going to try to get in touch with my bf today to get some answers. Well he wasn't there when his family was expecting him so they told me to call back later he should be there. So I called his cell phone, hoping he would answer. It rang a few times and then it cut out. I tried calling back and realized that I got hung up on the last time. Like someone was answering the phone long enough to hang up. I got mad and tried again 2 more times and he hung up again... both times.
I cannot believe it. I did nothing wrong and now he is treating me like I am the one that messed up! UNBELIEVABLE! Yet it is hard for me to accept that he is this person he apparently is after I believed he was someone else for 7 years. Maybe it was this "girlfriend" who was hanging up on me. I figure if he didn't want to talk to me he would have just let it go to voicemail and ignored it. Not immaturely slam the phone shut 4 times in a row.
After that I lost my ability to call his family home again. They have been nice about it, but after what happened I just can't do it.
I just sent the hardest email of my life. I don't know if he will get it, but I basically laid everything out about how much he hurt me and how much of a screw up and a jerk he is. I have never sent something like that and don't believe in sending emails like that or calling people screw-ups, but I needed to do it.
So why does it hurt so much? Why do I still care? How can I still love him after all this? Its hard to just flip that switch from loving him and believe he was "the one" to him messing up so badly and hurting more than anyone ever could. I don't want to hurt him but he needs to know, painfully closely, how much he hurt me. That this is ALL HIS FAULT.
As if I haven't been struggling enough between this illness, different meds, unsatisfying jobs and losing friends -- he has to do this to me now.
I don't know if I will ever hear from him again and that breaks my heart so much. I know it is stupid, but I still care. I still want to know what happened.
God this hurts so much :-( I don't think I can make it. I can't even think of one thing that would give me even a second of happiness. I have no friends here. I am still too sick and weak to do much out of my apartment. I am stuck with myself and right now I am the last person I want to hang out with.
Did I do the right thing sending that email?

That's so hard when you're new to an area, and you don't know anyone yet. You sent the email now, so as hard it is, try to forget about it. If I were you, I'd just read a book or rent a movie and just relax tonight. Things will get better. good luck.