NEED HELP!

Avatar for careyfeel
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
NEED HELP!
5
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 12:04am
I am having a very hard time "staying in here" and fighting anymore.I do not want to fight life anymore.I am almost ready to give up.I am a failure and I have failed my family,especially my son; he has been very hurt my all my medical problems, my depression and my failures.I have not been able to help him pay for his college education.I have not even been able to help him buy a car.I don't even drive myself. I cannpt help him with tuition for Grad School.I feel that my son has suffered too much for my mistakes. He is a great kid and I love him very much. He has suffered so much and conquered so many obstacles.I just wonderif he and the world would be be better off without me.
Some one told me "Fake it 'til you make it.I am having a hard time even "faking it."
Thanks for listening.careyfeel
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
In reply to: careyfeel
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 2:35am

Sorry you are feeling down, but I paid for my own college back when I went, I got to stay home without paying "rent", and they let me use their car, but I worked until midnight and 1am, up the next day at 6am for 8am college classes, I paid my own tuition, books, spending money, clothes, gas in the car etc etc; so there is no reason your son can't work and take out school loans, I did it too, no one handed me my college degree on a platter.

I glanced at your bio, and I see you are married, so where is your husband in this guilt of not paying for your son's schooling? I worked so hard to put myself through school and did a 9 month internship afterwards also, and I survived it, so I just don't see why other kids have to have it handed to them.

If you aren't in therapy, I can't praise it well enough, sharing things with her, and using her suggestions to make changes in my life, has literally saved my life, as low as I was in 2002, I may not be here today if it wasn't for my therapist and opening up to my husband about how depressed and anxious I was. Take care, Josie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
In reply to: careyfeel
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 2:52am

Hi there.
Well let me start by telling you that you ARE NOT a failure. I don't believe that you failed by not being able to help finanically. I don't know how old your son is but I think that you should not EVER put a price on LOVE. So here is the thing I have two children and I can't give them all they want because I'm a single mom and I live by each check hoping to be able to get food in my house and clothes on my babies. This does NOT make me a failure BECAUSE I love them and Im doing the BEST that I can right now, and they understand that momi is doing her best. As long as you love your child and he loves you he will understand. I know that you feel bad but you can not say you are a failure bacause you would if you could right?? Now the other way to look at it is that he will appreciate his car far more if he gets his own without having it handed to him and I can put my word on that. My parents NEVER gave me a car I had to work for it and I tokk much better care of it knowing I bought it.

I dont know if this is helping you feel better but I do hope that it does and I'am telling you realty of life. NO PRICE TAG ON LOVE.. You are doing what you can do NOT put yourself down.

Take care hope you feel better soon'
Bettina

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
In reply to: careyfeel
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 10:33am
Hi Carey,
I know it's hard, but you need to hang in there. Coming from someone close to your son's age, believe me, your son would suffer much more without you. You're doing the best that you can and that's all that matters. Don't be so hard on yourself. good luck.
Avatar for careyfeel
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: careyfeel
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 12:39pm
Thank you for you message and caring.I,too , paid fo all my tition for college and rom and board at school. I worked two jobs. I was there on scholarships and loans.
My son is very intelligent and a great kid.He is at school on several schoarships( which is the reason he attends the school he attends).He also hasa lot of personal loans,
I guess I just wanted things to better for himthan they were for me when I was in college.
He suffers from juvenile arthritis, fibromyalgia,depression and OCD.He works with a cane and has tried to get summer jobs , but in thhis area there are not many jobs available. People did not want to hire him becasue of his medicalproblems(they could see he worked with a cane.There are many jobs he cannot do: ones that involved standing for a long time and being outside in the summer a lot (due to his meds).He has wanted and wants very much to get a job.
We/he had to make a decison about his working while he went to school .Because of his fibrommyalgia and JRA he gets tired very quicly( much more than most kids his age).If he worked we feared he will not do well in college and if he does not do well, he would lose his schoalrships.He sees a counselor and is on medication both for his physical problems and emotional probems.He is a pefectionist abouthis school work and is an A student. He is trying to get into Grad school which he will also have to pay for on his own.he hopes to get an assisnatship and schoalrships. Because of his medical conditions he has to work harder and have more education to get a good job.
My sister said she would help pay for his college education and never did,The other problem is that he does not have a car and the college is in a rural community.He was supposed to get my Dad's car after his death,but my sister would not give it to him(it's a long story).
He should have money from two other sources: money I was supposed to get from my Dad's estate and money given willed to him after his Grandmother's death.It is long story, but I/hehe was not given any of that money.When he got his license my husbandcouls have helped with insurance and refused to do so.My sister promised to put a down payment on a car for him and hellp with insurance,She never did.
I have seen counslors fo many years and I am onm edications.I just started with a new counselor.,I saw her three time and she is wonderful.
I /my family was with another counselor almost seven years, She went wway beyond the role of counseling and was an advocate for my son and us with insurance companies , doctors and the education sysstem.
Having a child with a chronic illness is a change. She got a nother jon withour innsurance company so we were mo longer allowed to see her.I worked with two other counselors sinc e I worked with her and they did not work out.The new counselor seems like she will work out. I can already tell that she is going to be helpful to me.My older stp-son has ADHD an he was quite a handful,He is married now and lives in New Jersey, but cannot keepo a job.
I have other medical problems an take a lot of medications,For that reason Ican only work part-time.
My husband is a contol freak.I guess what angers me was that at one time we had money to help with my son's tuition.
We do help with his other school expenses: clothe, toiletries ,etc.Our medication bills for a month are horrible.Then we have doctor bils, counseling bills,etc.
I am working to help with expenses and to give my son spnding money.He doe not ask for a lot. If I can I give him $40 a month but often I cannot give him that much.
He does make a little money writing articles fior the school newspapers and has some grant/Research money. He work so hard and has conquered so much that I feel awful that I can't him .I feel bad that many things that were promised to him were never given to him.
My husband has never understood my depression(nor Charlie's),but he does pay the co-pay for our counseling and medications.
He makes a good salry and should be able to provide more than ne does, but that,too is a long story.Thanks for listening.careyfeel
Avatar for careyfeel
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: careyfeel
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 1:07pm
Thank you for your response. My son is at college on scholarhips and personal and governmenet grants and loans.He has JRA, fibromyalgia, deprssion, and OCD. Despite all these things he is an A student.What I do know for sure is that he does love me (and his Dad) very much and we love him.He calls us from school at least twice a weekand alwasy says "I love you." He tells us things most kids would not tell their parents(For example, he calls when he goes to a school party and tells he got back to the dorm safely),
Although he does really well in schoo(he is a perfectionist and does not think he is as talented as he is), he has had a very hard four years.He was very sick with viruses(for a week or so) each school year.He fell in the snow twice and slipped on ice. He got a paper cut in his eye and last year got hit by a golf cart driven by security man when it slippped on the ice.Although his whole body was bruiseed he was back to class within a week.
He takes a lot of meds and ses a counselor both at school and at home.
He goes to a school where the majority of kids are very rich and their parents pay for their tuition.He is there because he received a large scholarship but he is definitely a minority. A lot of the "rich" kids make fun of him because he dose not wear designer clothes(he never even asks for things like that.I try to send him $40 a month for expenses, but cannot always do that.
I think right now he is very stressed because he has been bogged down with wrok. I have very depressed for the last several months.I do see a conselor, a psychiatrist and take med.I also have several other health problems.
In addition I am proud of my son becasue he has conquered so much.He is in several school clubs,write for the school newspaper and volunteers at the local mental health hospital.
He does tell me that he has learned a lot about people at school and he is glad he isn't as rich as many of the kids becaause they do not care about school work(they just want t party) and they are mean to people who they think are bemeath them.
He says he volunteers at the "mental helth center" because it keeps him grounded .It is still hard to be differnt from your peers and be made fun of.
I am also proud of him because he lost over a hundred pounds in 1 1/2 years.
I guess parents want their children to have it better than they did.I had to pay for my own colege tutionand worked two jobs.I never really knew if my Mom(especially ) and Dad loved me.College was one of the worse times inmy life.I was unable to to Grad school and was not able to get a jobin the are in which I studied. Thank you again.craeyfeel