Losing Hold on Life at 21 y/o
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| Mon, 11-22-2004 - 5:28pm |
A lot of the discussions in this forum, I have noticed, are written by a generally older population (or maybe it's just that I haven't looked around enough?). I think though, that even if I did see messages written by younger people...it would make me feel worse because really, people so young, with so much to live for still...well, it's just a shame to see them posting on here.
I guess that's kind of a hint as to how I feel about myself, most of the time.
I'm only twenty-one and I can honestly say that every morning I wake up and cry and feel like the world is crashing down on my head, because I have no future.
I feel as though I was born to experience nothing but pain and humiliation and sadness.
I don't really see anything brightening for me, and even when I do find something I think would make my life better...it pains me because I can't even imagine myself being strong enough to reach it.
What does someone like me, do, at times like these? There is no end to my misery.

I saw your post and knew I should reply; I am 23 years old and have been dealing with depression on and off since I was 12 (my first diagnosis).
I have been where you are, with the overwhelming feelings of despair and sadness. A few things that helped me during my darkest hours:
1- Seeing a counselor. It didn't help through middle and high school, but when I got to college I found someone I really liked and it helped. The trick is finding a doc you click with.
2- A great friend. Having someone I could trust and just talk to (that knew my background) really helped. The woman that turned out to be my savior wasn't even a really close friend until I needed someone, and she was there for me.
3- Exercising. This is something I struggle with now, but I was involved in organized sports til about 3 years ago and it always kept me focused, organized, and motivated on something positive.
4- Getting outside. Full spectrum light can supposedly decrease melatonin levels and increase mood, and help with other symptoms.
I have never been medicated, though it is something I am actually thinking about after all these years. With so many kinds out there now, you have a better chance of finding something you are compatible with.
I am sure everyone else here will have some suggestions for you as well. Good luck.
I'm 22 and I occasionally post here. It is difficult feeling like you're one of the few "young" people that are depressed (even if it's not true). Alot of times I think, What's wrong with me? I'm young and I should be having fun, I shouldn't feel like this. But no one should have to feel like this, and you won't forever. I also suggest that you should see a therapist if you haven't. And an anti-depressant is so far working for me. It doesn't make things better. But it does help you feel well enough to get up and do stuff. Things will get better. Give yourself some time.
Hi, thanks for your comment on my discussion.
Yes I'm just struggling with such overwhelming feelings like, I should just give up on life or something.
It's just the most horrible feeling in the world yes, and when I meet people like yourself, who have been there and gotten out of these dark holes...it really makes me wonder if it will ever happen for me.
To comment on some of the suggestions you made, well, I have been seeing a psychiatrist for about a year now...and I hate to say it but I think I am actually going to discontinue my meetings with her because, not that I think she is wrong, but I'm getting the same pieces of advice over and over again which is to just 'love myself' and 'discover that I am all I need', etc. I find that after every visit to her, I end up thinking,"Yeah right, easier said than done," or things like that. About the only good that was coming from those visits was being able to vent my despair and knowing that I was venting to a professional who I THOUGHT could potentially just up and whip out a solution to all my problems one day.
As for the good friends...well, I do have lots of those, I am lucky to be able to say. I have lots of friends who are willing to listen to me over and over again, and provide whatever advice they can think of. Problem is, I depress myself over again by worrying that I'm creeping them out or annoying them with so much depressing talk. I know it's not true but, it's just a feeling that I get.
Exercise I definitely don't get enough of...but, does it really work? I must have read that a thousand times; that exercise helps depression and anxiety. It's really hard for me to think, during one of my darkest hours,"Hey I guess I'll just go for a run on the treadmill." On the contrary, I find it just so hard to get out of bed...
Getting outside, is something I do everyday...I suppose I'll keep that up.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic or ANYTHING; believe me I am grateful for your reply to my post...it's just the way my mind thinks now. It's so stubborn and likes to shoot down suggestions because ..well, I honestly think that there is no hope.
It's nice to know that I'm not alone though, and that there are people who have gotten out of terrible messes like this...
I've actually been dealing with depression since I was 12 as well. Well maybe 13ish...
I have taken a lot of meds in my lifetime, unlike you and I can tell you that none of them worked. I just used to get very sleepy or very nauseous or very moody and I didn't want any of those things adding to my sadness/anxiety. I don't ever really want to turn to medication again because I'm afraid that if i DID find something to help me, i'd just develop a severe dependency on them and I'd never be normal again.
Ah...*sigh* see how many problems plague me? It's no wonder I wake up every morning with just...no hope.
I'm 24 and I can totally understand everything you are saying. I feel a lot of times the same as you. Maybe not always, but wow, you worded everything so well. I feel lots of times that I think I was just put on this earth to take all the misery of everyone else onto myself so everyone else can be happy or something. And the friends, I ALWAYS feel like I annoy my friends or they don't wanna be friends with me because I annoy them with how I am. As far as excercising goes, I guess you could say it works, but I excercise every day and not every day does it work for me. I mean, just last week I was crying DURING my excercises. Also, maybe check your friends situation, it might not be the same for you, but I've been "soul searching" and trying to put friendships into perspective and I've realized that a lot of people I always thought were my friends, really weren't. And that actually a lot of the reasons I was depressed was because of my friends. I'm not really sure why I don't think, but I feel maybe jealousy because they have so many things to look forward to and I can't seem to find anything myself to look forward to, and in my mind maybe sometimes I feel like it gets thrown in my face when I'm with my friends and that they don't really, truly care about me. I've been depressed all my life, I've always hated my life, and have been trying so desperatly to have something to look forward to. I'm going to an at home/internet college course that makes me feel a little better at least about my future. I've never taken meds, thought about it, but couldn't do it I don't think. If I beat this thing, I gotta do it myself. When I had no choice but to go to a therapist, it felt really good just to talk to someone that actually was listening. Most people I talk to just somehow turn what I say into something for them to talk about themselves and then I'm the good listener, but therapists listen to your every word, if you find a good one, so if you don't like yours I suggest finding one that you do like. If you can afford it of course. As for suggestions for anything, I don't have anything more. I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. I try to be positive but something makes it impossible...usually bad things always happening to me pretty much smooshes my positiveness. I just get sick of feeling like I'm cursed and that I did something really bad at some time or something that I'm constantly being punished. If you want to talk to someone that can relate...I'm here for that :-)
First, I agree with you about finding the right therapist. I have been to so many and half the time they made me feel worse, and the other half I was completely pulling the wool over their eyes (lying about the steps I was taking and my progress because I was THAT miserable). But I eventually found someone I liked. Of course then I moved 2500 miles away, lol.
I also totally agree with you about lifes twists and turns. Sometimes it can surprise you. 4 years ago I was miserable and feeling like a failure for a variety of reasons. Then I found out I was pregnant. In college, having to work 30 hours a week to pay my bills, and pregnant. Turned out to be the best thing that ever could have happened to me. Now it is my daughter that inspires me, brings me my only joy, and keeps me going.
I am not sure where I would be without her now. Not that I suggest every young woman go out and have a child, lol (trust me, it has been the most difficult task I have ever faced), but for me, it was what I needed.
That just made me a believer that everything happens for a reason and everyone will be faced with challenges, but sometimes they will turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Even if they aren't as obvious as mine...so you have to look for them.
Someone mentioned taking internet college courses. I think that is a great idea. Something to keep you focused, a goal to work toward, and something you can be proud of.
I am just babbling on now, the moral of my story is to stay strong and know that things WILL eventually come together, no matter how lost you feel right now. Keep your head up, take care of yourself, and wait it out because it will be worth it one day.