Newbie looking for understanding

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Newbie looking for understanding
2
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 10:00pm

I'm trying this approach again, of going to a messageboard, after finding others very unhelpful. I'm in a marriage that fell apart long ago, but I'm finally ending it after being miserable for many years. There is a child involved, who has seen far too much than any child should. I've been told that I've been the victim of emotional abuse on the part of my partner for a long time, but always hoped that I could "handle" things. But over time, I felt myself dying inside, and that there is nothing left of me as a person. I've done some things I'm not happy about, and weren't smart or wise, but I never did anything illegal, and would be the first to admit I'm no angel or innocent. But while I'm still stuck living in our home while my to-be new place is still being readied to move in, I'm petrified of the anger and hatred against me. I currently have no friends, and work so much I don't see any opportunity to make any. There are battles now developing about time we each spend with our son, and my partner likes to keep insinuating that he has "evidence" of things to prove I'm a bad mother and that these things could, if brought out in the open, allow the legal system to have my rights to my son taken away. In my heart of hearts I know none of this is true, but to hear it yelled to me, with such anger and real hatred, is making it so that I live in fear of my own value and ability as a parent, and am dealing with such a crushing depression that at times I feel paralyzed by it. Stupid me, I even admitted tonight that I've even very briefly thought about suicide, which really gave him a load of ammunition to hurl back at me as to what a weakling I am. I tried a variety of antidepressants and they never really helped. I know I need to go into counselling, but time right now is very limited. I'm the only breadwinner in the family, and I am now about to have to support two households. I don't ask for any answers; I know that there aren't any, but I'm just throwing my tale, or a shortened version of it, out there.

Hi to you all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 11:37pm

(((((Melloe))))), I'm so sorry for all you're going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 9:29am

LadyIrish:
Thank-you so much for your reply. Legal counsel has pointed out that up until two years ago a spouse could be forced to find work, but that is no longer the case where I live. And as to options for living elsewhere, not really; I've really checked it all out very carefully. As to counselling, I'm going to have to work on it, as my time is so limited, but I honestly think I'm going to have to do something to stop all the panic and worry I feel 100% of the time. I need to find some sense of self, and to see if I'm not really the worst person/mother in the world. Working on it.

MelloE