Update on Me (possible triggers)
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| Wed, 11-24-2004 - 1:04am |
Update on Me
If ANYONE remembers me, it’s been a while since I’ve been on here. I need to update what’s been going on with me and my life since I think I may need to get back on here for a bit...
SCHOOL: I’m back at the same school. It was rough at first, but I’m sort of ok now. I’m now a senior so I’ll be graduating early (wahoo!), but I do not like being in an environment that causes me so much pain. I am seeing a psychologist about that and other things, though, see below.
ROOMMATE: I’ve had some major roommate issues. She told her dad that I had a boy in the room, so he told on me, and now I’m having to pay a $50 fine, all because she wouldn’t confront *me* in the first place. I want to make her pay half, but I know she won’t. We aren’t talking at all because of what she wrote in my “report,” basically saying lies about me, stretching the truth in order to make me sound like the worst girl at our school. My trust issues are coming back up, so I’m trying to work on that.
ME: I’ve been seeing a psychologist now since September. When I couldn’t get in to see her (apparently she is very busy!), I found some relief in talking to a well-liked professor and mentor of mine. I just let everything fly with him, and his response was, “my wife was like that. We’re divorced now.” He also suggested to me that I limit ALL contact with my mother, calling only when I truly needed to and e-mailing the rest of the time. The psychologist has determined that it’s not me with the problems (the situation with my mom), but rather, my mom. My mom is the source of so much heartache in my life, and for me, that’s sad. Like I’ve said before, I think my mother is bipolar, and with her recent actions, the ones that never made sense to me before, it’s all coming together now. I am now on the psychologist’s emergency list (“if you need me, call me, and I’ll stay late for you”), which makes me feel worse because to me, I feel I really have problems if she needs to do that for me. She also told me that being around my mother in general is bad for my physical and mental health; I have panic attacks around her now, and my self-esteem is awful when I’m around her.
Personally, I am doing ok. I feel awful about my life right now, “why me?” and such, but I know now that it’s not ME, it’s my mom, but I have to reiterate that to myself each and every day. It’s tough, but I’m trying to make things the best that I can, and I’m trying not to drag others down with me. I’ve worked so hard in my life to come out of the depressed, “I hate everyone, why is the world so cruel” me that I used to be. Like I’ve told my friends, I’ve worked too hard and too long to just let it all go on my mother. I am learning still that I am my own #1, no one cares more about me than I care about myself, and I have to do what makes *me* happy in the end, not anyone else.
BF: My bf J is good. We are talking about Christmas plans (I get to meet the family, not immediate, but the WHOLE family), so I’m getting excited. I’ve never been around someone I feel so myself with, so it’s amazing. Of course, there are marriage talks, but we’ve had those since the summer, and it’s nothing new. However, he is very upset about my school situation, and I tried to make it as painless as possible this last semester. He is about to graduate, so I’m going to help him look for a job, a good job, so that he can do what he wants to do with his life.
MOM: My mom’s actions are, in a word, crazy. One minute, she took my side over the “boy in the room” situation, the next, she was yelling at me for not being responsible, blaming J as the REASON I have become a troublesome person. “You don’t get in trouble, something must have changed!” She also suggested in the first place that I see a therapist, and now that I am, she doesn’t understand why. When I politely say, “it’s because of you, and I can’t understand your words and actions,” she insists that it’s J again. She doesn’t understand what SHE did to make me see this psychologist, but like my psych said, my mom physically can’t understand it. My mom is going to church a whole lot more now, and I’m happy for her, but it means, in her eyes, that everything I do is a sin against God. She even thinks my underwear is “of this world.” Well, really, everything is of this world, but the fact that my underwear are unholy, give me a break! I seriously think she is bipolar and needs some real help, so I’m going to talk to my family Dr about it tomorrow. I just wish things were happier for her. When I try to explain to her how happy J makes me, she doesn’t want to hear it, so we don’t bring it up at all. Unfortunately, with the holidays coming up, everyone will be asking “so do you have a bf?” The saga never ends...
MOM AND DAD: Sadly, she has dragged my dad into this too. He tries to keep the peace by telling her that if she continues to yell and scream and preach and berate me for continuing to date J, that it will only push me further toward him and farther away from my parents. It’s true, not on purpose, but in reality, that’s what is happening. In general, they think I am a huge failure by not heeding their advice to break up with J, but again, he makes me incredibly happy, so why would I give up that happiness? I don’t understand where they are coming from (he doesn’t beat me or yell at me), but really, disappointed hurts a lot more than “we are mad.” I have feelings inside that I can’t do anything right to them, no matter how hard I try, no matter if I have a 4.0, it’s not enough. It’s hurting me, it’s making me have panic attacks, it’s ruining my college times which are supposed to be the “times of your lives.” I’m learning to deal with the fact that nothing I do will ever be good enough, no guy will be good enough, because it’s not in the ideal parental plan for their child.
That’s all for now. I just needed to update, and with me being so down lately, and the upcoming holidays aren’t helping, I just need to get back on here and figure out what the root of the problem is. I’ll be in TN, and my psychologist is in AL, so I can’t drive down there every time I have a problem. This board has always been amazing to me, so I’m glad it’s here!
-Lauren

(((((((((((Lauren)))))))))))
Hi and welcome back!
*hugs