cry and cry and am my own "trigger"
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cry and cry and am my own "trigger"
| Thu, 11-25-2004 - 2:52am |
I'm so sorry,but I can't call anyone and I can't talk to my husband because I don't want him to know how bad the shape I'm in really is. I don't seem to trust anyone anymore. I was let go from a teaching job that I did not seek out. but everything at the job was "like it was meant to be". My husband and I can't have children, I went into early menopause. I think I bonded with my 8th graders like they were my own kids. I was there for 6 weeks and I am pursuing the idea of a legal action for the circumstances under which I was let go. I cry almost every day for no reason at all.
Anyway, I found out I was in "meno" at /for my 41st birthday. The first time I was in a total depression was over babies (my own). I spent almost 3 months in bed. My friends are gone because the first depresseion taught me that there is a time limit to misery. At some point, your friends say "just get over it" and then they get over you. The thing is, I'm in that hole again. Only this time, there's a "hole" in me too. I know this place. I was here 4 years ago. Then, I was incapable of expressing how I felt because I couldn't find words for the pain I was in. Now, I think I have the words but I don't think I want to talk to anyone. They can't understand, I'm not sure they would want to and I am becoming very good at "appearing" absolutely normal. Whatever the hell that means.
There is so much going so wrong right now, it would take too long to go over. But the end result is that I wish very much to leave this earth and I seem to be, without being aware of it, putting myself in various positions for that to happen. I would never, never intentionally commit suicide. I had a very close friend who did that once and it is not an option I would ever even consider. But I have been tripping and falling down stairs a lot. Plus which, I seem to be on the road driving with people who are determined to test whether or not I want to be alive. In other words, fate seems to be giving me choices of sorts.
I don't know why I'm writing, I don't know that I believe anything will come of it. But this hole I'm in is trying very hard to become my new place of residence and nobody gets it. They don't think I'm still effected by this, many never knew I was and the times I'm the happiest are when I'm alone. So Thanksgiving is tomorrow, I have to start cooking in the morning and put on a happy face because that's what everyone is expecting.
As for me, I'll cope like I always do and pray for God to send me a ladder, or at least a shovel to start digging my self out. Because my real fear is that having no one may be ok.
My husband works installing astroturf. So he's on the road 10 months out of the year. He's home for Thanksgiving and will fly out Sunday. I f he hadn't come home, I wouldn't have to pretend so hard. And Dear God, I think that may be the saddest of all.
Bearbride
<christhebear@earthlink.net
Anyway, I found out I was in "meno" at /for my 41st birthday. The first time I was in a total depression was over babies (my own). I spent almost 3 months in bed. My friends are gone because the first depresseion taught me that there is a time limit to misery. At some point, your friends say "just get over it" and then they get over you. The thing is, I'm in that hole again. Only this time, there's a "hole" in me too. I know this place. I was here 4 years ago. Then, I was incapable of expressing how I felt because I couldn't find words for the pain I was in. Now, I think I have the words but I don't think I want to talk to anyone. They can't understand, I'm not sure they would want to and I am becoming very good at "appearing" absolutely normal. Whatever the hell that means.
There is so much going so wrong right now, it would take too long to go over. But the end result is that I wish very much to leave this earth and I seem to be, without being aware of it, putting myself in various positions for that to happen. I would never, never intentionally commit suicide. I had a very close friend who did that once and it is not an option I would ever even consider. But I have been tripping and falling down stairs a lot. Plus which, I seem to be on the road driving with people who are determined to test whether or not I want to be alive. In other words, fate seems to be giving me choices of sorts.
I don't know why I'm writing, I don't know that I believe anything will come of it. But this hole I'm in is trying very hard to become my new place of residence and nobody gets it. They don't think I'm still effected by this, many never knew I was and the times I'm the happiest are when I'm alone. So Thanksgiving is tomorrow, I have to start cooking in the morning and put on a happy face because that's what everyone is expecting.
As for me, I'll cope like I always do and pray for God to send me a ladder, or at least a shovel to start digging my self out. Because my real fear is that having no one may be ok.
My husband works installing astroturf. So he's on the road 10 months out of the year. He's home for Thanksgiving and will fly out Sunday. I f he hadn't come home, I wouldn't have to pretend so hard. And Dear God, I think that may be the saddest of all.
Bearbride
<christhebear@earthlink.net

I am so sorry, don't know what to say, except if you aren't in therapy, please consider it, and I even went on a med for my anxiety/depression when therapy alone wasn't helping me improve any.
It sounds like you need support people, people you can open up too, but for me, I had to open up to my therapist first, then the others came more slowly.
Please take care of yourself, and I guess I would be terrified of ending up paralyzed from a fall down the stairs vs dead.
I wish I know more better what to say, but know someone cares and listened to you, Josie.
Hi Bear!
I know you say you dont want to talk to anyone because they dont understand, but I think you will find if you go to your doctor and get professional help that they WILL understand!
*hugs