don't know why i am here

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
don't know why i am here
10
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 3:36am
I found this page by changes. Am new here.
Am not sure why I am here.
All I know is am in depression stage on and off since I was 10 and most of the time I am alone for the last 10 years.
I could not figure out what I should do with my life. I don't know what make me enjoy doing thing anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 4:07am

Welcome, and I sound like a broken record on this one, but for me, starting therapy, working on my childhood issues with an alcoholic father, long standing depression and anxiety, going on a med, and following most of my therapist's suggestions on how I can get better, well, all of that is how I now have quite a few good days, happy days, like today when I am smiling and happy to be where I am.

Please get some professional help if you haven't already, my therapist saved my life, and I mean that literally as if I hadn't gotten help in 2002, I am not sure I wouldn't have attempted suicide like I had decades before.

I hope you get some help, take care, know someone is here and cares, Josie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 1:48pm

(((((HUGS TO YOU)))))

You made your first step by posting on this board, telling people how you feel is a real good thing. Maybe you should see your doctor first (if you havent already),to make sure it's not anything else. Please keep posting here, you will find so much comfort and support here, everyone is so very caring here. Know you always have someone to talk to or just to vent to here. Hope you feel better. Know you are a good person who will make it through this. Keep posting. (((((HUGS HUGS HUGS, to make you feel better))))).

Donna :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 6:59pm

Hi and Welcome!


Even if you dont know yet exactly why you are here, Im glad you found us.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 2:27am

Thanks to all wonderful replier.

Though what I need is a physically hug but than what u give is just will do for now. Thanks again.

Yes, I do see a therapist, since last year but am not sure is he good. Am not on a weekly visit that kind because am the kind who don’t give up on myself. Even my therapist say that I am strong, but then just sometime I could not hold-on to myself. I lost all hope and direction. Just sleep and sleep. And did not get good sleep.

I have a womanize father (no more around) and a gamble mother (does not live with me anymore). Siblings that am not sure whether I exists in they world anymore.

Right now, am in the stage of fear to explore, know new people (I mean on sight, physically). I guess, I have to start of knowing people like you (far away or out-of sighted) to gain my confidence somewhere.

Once I start writing (my feeling) I can’t stop. Very long time ago I start writing my feeling and read them. And now I am trying to let others read what I write. I do not know where it will go from it or what will happen from it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 7:28am

Hi Again!


I'm glad you are seeing a Therapist and stick with it. There is no set time for suddenly feeling good again, but if you are honest with your T. and keep working, someday the light will go on and you will find the answer.

*hugs             

Avatar for careyfeel
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 10:31am
Welcome to the board! I understand where you are.I am have been sufffering from depression on and off since I was a teen-ager. I have been on many different meds and have seen many psychiatrists and conselors.Right mow I am going through a very severe bout of depression and they are talking about changing my meds again.
I, too, feel very alone and like I do not have any fun anymore,It is sometimes hard to go on each day.
Have you been on medication or seen a counselor.I have found that both have been very helpful for me. careyfeel(Fran)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 5:06am

am blue today...
i am missing someone far away
that don't miss me
that i shouldn't be missing

He can't even answer to my question on "Who am I to him"
He rarely contact me, giving me excuse that i don't like (busy, no cash to make call)
but i do believe is the truth, sometime i just doubt my own believe
when i email him or sms him, i have rare reply
when i call him, he don't end my call (hang-up on me)

feel like banging my own head for missing him

I met him last year. He is the one that trigger me to see a therapist. I did not tell him that I see a therapist but I have told him that I have depression.

I miss him very much.

Thanks for listening, am hug all of you

(((Josie)))
(((Caly)))
(((Donna)))
(((Fran)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 5:56am

Hi hhging,

I understand where your coming from! Uggh. It feels terrible to wake up and not know yourself anymore. Trust me I did! Or perhaps, you don't feel this way? It seems that I had a plan for my life one day, the next, depression hit me like a ton of bricks and I've been struggling ever since. My problem was that I lost several people close to me at the same time. Yes, even break-ups or guys that blow you off! It all feels terrible! You said that you didn't know what you enjoy anymore, I was so relived to hear you say that, I am the same way! I felt like my hobbies, joys ect...were suddenly gone even now, I cannot get the same feeling of satisfaction from them. I will tell you one thing. Judging by your depth of feeling and your knowledge of heartbreak, saddness ect...You do have a talent it seems for writing. Do you write poetry? Short stories? Journal? I know it sounds silly but to write what you feel helps out a lot! ( I sometimes don't have anyone to tell either, so your not alone, I'm the same way!) This board is wonderful about welcoming you and making you feel not alone! If your therapist isn't helping, maybe you should try another one. ( I look at them kind of like shoes, you have to try on several pairs before you get the best fit! lol) Are you on medications? I was for a while but I cannot do them. I felt like a zombie everyday, I'm just now beginning to feel "normal" again. I'm trying to work out and change my diet, schedule ect.. to help me with my depression. I was on med's when I lost those people in my past, I feel now that I have moved beyond that period when I was unable to function. If this guy that your talking about isn't calling you, or will not speak when you call, why do you put yourself through that hurt? It's making you feel bad everytime. You need to look out for someone who will care for you and take the time to help you, not avoid your calls! I'm not sure of your relationship with him but maybe you need to evaluate where you stand in regard to that? Just an idea. It just helps to get away from negativity (if your like me you have enough for several people ha!). I hope this helps you! Just know that your not alone!
Take care!@
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 4:48am

Hi Beth,

I do write poetry and write more after I met him. I wrote him my short stories and ask him not to comments. I wrote him a few poems and he likes it. The first one touches his heart (he told me), the others he made no comments. He DOES NOT avoid my call, he just rarely call me. Each time when I am about to hang-up he will say hold-on. I am not sure my relationship with him that is why I ask him. Maybe (on my side) hoping that there is something but he seems not interested anymore or not wanted to commit to anything. Where in the beginning he uses to squeeze his time to drop me a note and tell me that I am different, ask me to visit him but not anymore. Once he told me that he has this feeling that has no name toward me and he likes it. He does ask me to write to him, keep sending SMS to him but I get weary when there are no replies. (I did tell him this and he isn’t taking any action.)

I do not know how to evaluate where I stand in regard to this relationship. Maybe is NOT “I do not know” IS “I do not want to”. I have only myself to blame. I am single and did not have any intimacy relationship for a very, very long times (10+) and when he notice me I feel great.

Yes, I am on medication. My therapist is NOT isn’t helping me, is just that I sometime do not know how to judged him. He is my second therapist (found him in a magazine a year ago). The first therapist that I have, I rarely see him maybe because I could not bring myself to trust him. He made me feel am an idiot and it takes quite a long time for me to realize it. And am the type who do not know where to look for a trusted therapist. Mmmm…I guess, I have to trust myself, my own judgment first (lol! that is hard.). I don’t tell people that I am having depression (until lately), so no one is helping me.

Qing is my first name. Am a Chinese, he is an Indian. He is 14 years younger than me. I know, is very stupid of me to like him but I did. And I like him very much but dare not love him for fear that he may not love me in return. Am having hard time trying to get over it (forget him).

Reading the board made me realize that there are quite a lot of people suffering “silently”. Why I am not happy to know that am not alone in such a stage? What has happen to this world? How I wish to post my advice to them, encouragement them like I use to give people that around me when I was a teen-ager even when I am “down”. I do not know how to do it anymore, sorry. I think is because I am getting too weary. All I know now is to tell my side of story.

Take good care of yourself (whoever read this) when non of your love ones did.

Unsure,
Hui Qing

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 8:08am

Not that I am one to tell anyone that you can ignore feelings, but even my Therapist once told me, Sometimes you just have to put stuff behind you and forget about it.

*hugs