New here...and a very bad day

Avatar for xineann
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
New here...and a very bad day
4
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 9:52pm

I used to post on the PPD board, but now that my daughter is 3, I don't think that fits anymore. Today is a very bad day, actually, the past month or so has been pretty bad. My husband is a firefighter that works 24 hour shifts, and he has been working almost constantly lately b/c the dept. is understaffed during the holidays. This will last until after New Years. Every year it is the same, he is never home, and since we live on the opposite coast of our families, every holiday it is just me and my daughter.

Recently, my daughter has been having trouble at preschool, she is exhibiting signs of OCD (which I also have, it is what drive my depression). So we are going through the ringer with her school, and seeing doctors, but deep down, I can't help but hate myself and know that this is all my fault. Everyone tells me that it is way too early to diagnmose anything like that, she is too young, and that it is probably normal toddler behavior, but I can't shake the feeling that there is something very wrong with her. I am actually afraid to let her out of my sight anymore, because I feel like I have to be there for her 24 hours a day to support her and help her. I even check on her throughout the night to make sure she is okay, and most nights when my husband isn't home, I end up bringing her into the bed with me b/c I do not want to leave her alone. The down side is, I have no time for myself, and I am getting more and more frustrated.

I have been seeing a psychiatrist for a long time, and I am on meds, and I have my good moments. He saw my daughter for me and felt everything is normal, but the school is being kinda difficult about it. His opinion is that the school expects too much of 3 year olds. But being alone so much lately, and my fears about my daughter are more than I can handle. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't function. I only work part time (12 hours a week), but I actually took a leave of absence because I cannot even think about going in to work right now.

Thanks for letting me share.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 11:43pm
I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time. I hope that things get better for you soon. It sounds like you are doing a good job coping and taking care of everyone, and I know that time for yourself is very important. Is there anyone you would trust to babysit your daughter so you can have a couple of hours to yourself once in a while? Maybe your parents or your husband's parents? I wish you all the best, and you have my full support. *hugs*
Avatar for xineann
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 1:14am

Pinkstar84,

Thank you very much for your kind words and support. Your advice is great, and I do have some teenagers and a few friends that can babysit, unfortunately, my parents live in Florida (we are in CA), and my in-laws live in Ireland. I have had the teenage girl from next door over so I can take a bath and play with my dogs (pets really do help me!), get to the gorcery store and other little errands, and that does help. Right now, with all of the stuff going on at school, I am still a little afraid to leave my daughter, probably a little of my OCD coming through. I guess since I come from a big family that always had big get togethers at the holidays, it is especially hard for me when my husband isn't home on the holidays. Usually, we would have a bunch of friends over and cook up a storm, but this year, I just couldn't do it. I'm still holding out hope that I can do that for Christmas though.

Christine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 7:35am

Hi and Welcome!


It really does sound like the school is fueling your fears.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 12:28pm

I'm glad that you have people in your life that you trust to watch your daughter, but I understand your fear of leaving her with anyone else. I have a hard time leaving anything or anyone that I care about with other people. I just want to take care of everyone that I care about myself.

I'm glad that your pets help you, too. I have two golden retrievers at home, and I really miss them a lot when I'm at college. I'm not allowed to have pets in the dorm, so I can't bring them with me. They are happy at home with my parents, though, because they get to take lots of walks and we have a big yard for them to play in. Plus, we let them on all the beds and furniture, so they enjoy that.

I hope that you are having a great day! *hugs*