I do not have acceptance

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
I do not have acceptance
3
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 10:38am

I went out on Wednesday with my two best freidns Sareen and Punam...
The night started out very good I was quiet though I have been that way for a long time there is so much swirling around in my brain that I find it best to keep my mouth shut until I figure things out. And I have not spoken to Sareen about hings cause I dont know how to I am not an assertive person at all I tend to over think things and then when I am ready to talk it is weeks down the road and then there seems to be no point and that is when things get out of control and a fight insues..and that is what happened Sareen and I got into a huge I mean huge fight and it was both our faults but not to sound like achild but she started it in the car ride home she started to getand attitude with me I kept quiet until I could not take it any longer and I went off screaming and I got nasty and told her I wish nothing but bad things to come her way I know that wasnt right but I was so mad I wanted to huit her and I almost did..
Then yesterday she calls my phone and leaves a message about how she cant go out with me I fight when we go out and I never said a word at all wednesday night she then says taht she doesnt want to listen to me and so on..
I told her I do not talk to her cause she cant sit and shut up for 5 minutes so I can get out what I want to say that is why I keep quiet for so long cause when I finally am able to speak she interupts everytime I open up my mouth and then she procedes to speak to you like you are a 5 year old and that is not something that feels good it is frustrating and it just ets you very mad and to the point where you do not want ot speak at all and I told her this and she continues to interupt and speak over me so I did yell again cause I felt that I was not being heard that all she wanted to do was get out what she had to say but didnt have a care about hearing me talk at all and hear what I felt yet she says she cares and wants me to talk but she doesnt show it at all.
So here I am trying to figure out a way to get this all settled so I wrote her a quick note asking for her and I to sit and talk and lay all our cards on the table and I left it on her windsheild this morning I hope she reads it and doesnt rip it up caus eI dont have time and I told her that time is not on my side at this moment..
So then I sat and thought yesterday about why things bother me and I think I have it figured out acceptance is what I am in search of I am obsessing over jon cause he didnt accept me and that is why I still have him stuck in my head cause I want so bad for him to accept me there is this guy at the bar that jon owns that doesnt like me for some reason I have never spoken to him or never have I done anything wrong to him but he just doesnt like me and it bothers me cause he doesnt accept me and since I do not accept myself I am in search of others to accept me to validate me since I feel no self worth I need others to show me self worth I know tha it is hard for someone who doesnt understand this to really get what I am feeling and I know that Sareen doesnt really "love" herself but she does not have the super low self esteem low self worth and basically total self loathing that I have so I am in constant search of others to accept me at any cost I dont care if I end up hurt as long as for the moment others accept me I do not care how I feel later on I know sad isnt it but this is something that I am going to try to work on when I go to Pa for treatment..
So here I am very sad very hurt and confused Sareen wont let me speak my mind and tell her how I feel and how she makes me feel and I in turn will sit and listen to how she feels and keep quiet until she is finished speaking but she wont let me talk with out interupting me and she doesnt understand that I feel that she isnt listening to me hearing me understanding me I try so hard to get where she is comig from but I do not feel that she isnt doing the same for me..So I am hoping that she reads what I wrote and gives me the chance to talk with her and to explain things to her and I will let her explain things to me...
I almost cut last night I sat there and got out my razor blades and I was so close to cutting myself again but I kept looking at my scars and decided that I was better than that I deserved to not be all cut up and to be honest Sareen isnt worth me scaring myself again..
She also braught up the past I dont get it the past in inthe past why bring it up? there is nothing that you can do to change it so why bother to bring up past mistakes it doesnt make any sense at all...
and that hurt me cause she and I were both in a ver bad place two years ago we were both sleeping with men who used us we were both using drugs and we have both stepped away from all of that so why sit there and bring it up I hurt her yes she hurt me yes but I do not tell her "two years ago you were nasty to me" why bother it isnt going to make things better..
I just want o be loved to know that I am loved but my best friend the person that I asked to be with me when my son was born the person that I wanted to share my big moments with wont let me talk wont let me express how I feel instead she tells me that she dopesnt care about what I have to say and she does all the talking..
I am sorry I am rambling on and on..
I am just so angry I guess on monday I have to have a biopsy done then I have to go to renfrew for another evaluation and then talk with my job about taking a medical leave while I am in treatment that way I can keep my insurance and get the help that I need and deserve then I need to really get things together about movin g to arizona..
So when I told sareen in the note that I didnt have a lot of time to sit and wait for her to calm down I meant it Ihave 3 weeks and that is it and she takes a while to come around and talk I just hate that she is placing all the blame ion me Itold her inthe note that it is both our faults.
I just wish I knew why I carave this acceptance thing from mym om from strangers from friends ect...it kills me inside when someone doesnt like me..
Sorry to dump on you guys I just feel like crap likeI have been run over a millions time I am so tired I look tired I look spent to be honest...
Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 11:40am

(((((Erin))))), I'm SO glad you didn't hurt yourself!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 1:09pm

Hi Erin,

Seeking acceptance from others is so hard. True acceptance comes from within and that is something I am still struggling with myself.

I think leaving Sareen a note on her car was a good idea. When I was reading your post I was going to mention writing your thoughts down and giving the letter to Sareen. When writing a letter, we can't be interrupted and gives the other person a chance to understand our thoughts. Hopefully, she will contact you so that the two of you can resolve some of your issues before you move to Arizona.

I also wanted to say that I'm very happy that you chose not to cut. With all the negative feelings you expressed having in your post, I think it is a HUGE accomplishment that you didn't do anything with those razors. A very positive thing, indeed. It is so wonderful that you realize that no one is worth hurting yourself like that for.

Big {{{hugs}}} to you.
Brightest Blessings,
Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 2:13pm

Dear Erin: I wish I knew what to say, but what I can share is, a lot of the work I am doing in therapy is to undo the lack of love, which is acceptance also that I never felt I got from my parents. Everyone's "energy" went into Dad and his alcoholism, so I just never felt like anyone loved me, so my therapist even made me 2 different tapes to listen to, and every day since July 2003, I have listened to one of them as I try and nurture the inner child, the baby, even the 13 year old that was so depressed she attempted suicide.

Some friendships are meant to last a long time, and some don't, so whether there is a future with that friend, only time will tell. But I admire you for writing that letter and leaving it for her, that took a lot of courage.

I do hope you get help for your ed, and glad you didn't hurt yourself.

Take care, Josie.