Depressed afternoon thoughts...
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| Fri, 11-26-2004 - 4:08pm |
I don't really know what to post...a lot of time to myself these days, and you'd think I'd get a lot of studying done...but I can't seem to come up with a way to structure my time, and I'm so restless and depressed that I've barely gotten anything done, and that just makes me feel worse. I hardly know where to start...and my room is still such a disaster that I'm stepping on piles of clothes to get anywhere...guess it reflects my state of mind now, too!
I posted on the Eating Disorders board about my struggles with eating or not eating and stomach problems...and the responses made me realize that I probably do have some "issues" there (about wanting to be thin and feeling like I'm fat) that are causing trouble in my life and alienating others...but I don't feel like I have the energy or motivation to change. My "solution" today was to stuff myself when I wasn't really hungry...so now of course I feel bad about that.
I guess the same goes for my appointments with my psychiatrist, who is doing therapy mainly along with offering suggestions on meds (none of which I've taken so far). She focuses almost totally on my childhood and my issues of feeling like I'm "second best" in comparison to my sister. I hadn't thought about these things consciously in years, but my pdoc says that if I don't confront these issues, I won't be able to change. But I've realized that I just don't feel like I can "go down that path" again after all the years of therapy I've had already...and the mindset of feeling second-best is so ingrained in my brain that I feel like it would take a miracle to get it out...and I just don't know that I care to try anymore.
But I can see that those issues are probably still there...sometimes, my "reasons" why I feel like my life is useless relate to the fact that I don't write great poetry like my sister does...I don't even have creative thoughts, it seems sometimes...and therefore can't contribute anything unique to the world. I'm definitely not the most caring or involved med student out there, either...I think a lot of my fellow students will have much better "bedside manners" than I will...so there goes that idea, in my mind. I either have to be the best at something or I'm useless...that's an idea that even years of cognitive therapy hasn't been able to get out of my subconscious.
I have started trying to write poetry again a little bit (as a kid, I did write poems, but gave it up when my sister started writing)...and even posted a few of them on a poet's board here and got really nice feedback. But even then, I don't believe that it's sincere...and my poems seem so concrete and simple and boring that I'm not sure if it's worth it even to try (especially because at times I've gotten too involved in writing and missed some hours when I could have been studying!).
And exercise used to give me at least a temporary "high"...but lately I've been so exhausted physically that I haven't been doing much. I can once again feel the very tender spots from my old fibromyalgia (wish I could afford a massage!), and I've gotten tired just walking a few minutes to the hospital...when before I could jog for an hour and be all right. And about 6 or 7 PM each evening, I suddenly get so sleepy that I have to go to bed for a few hours before getting up again before my "real" bedtime!
Oh well, none of this seems important at all, looking back. Sorry to have bored you all...but I really appreciate all of you, and thanks for putting up with me at times like these. I guess I just have this horrible, down, awful feeling that I can't seem to put into words...so I end up talking about all the details of my life that seem wrong...but even if those things were to change, I'm not sure that I'd feel any better. :(
Thanks again for listening, and if anyone has an idea or suggestion, I'd love to hear it,
Rose
Edit: I guess it's possible that all of this could be related to PMS...I guess I can only hope it is...
Edited 11/26/2004 6:36 pm ET ET by rosa444

Hey Rose -
Actually, ALL of that seems important - since it is really affecting your life. And your life is important and you are a unique individual and no one can contriibute what you do to the world. We all have a part in it, even if it takes awhile to understand what that part is ("more shall be revealed "- more 12 step stuff).
Geez you sound a lot like me! That feeling of never being "enough", or good enough, if perfection isn't reached, which of course it never will be, thereby fulfilling the life-long prophecy and view of oneself. Or not as good as others, as we
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid
Hey Rose,
Sue gave you a wonderful reply and so I am just going to leave you with some big HUGS!
PMS can really effect you in ways you dont even realize some time!
*hugs
Thanks so much, Sue...your reply was really helpful. It is very hard to see what my place in the world might be...most of the time I feel like I am just an "extra," unnecessary person...I grew up hearing the story that my parents didn't even know they were having twins until I was born, and I was the second one to be born...so I often thought they wouldn't even have missed me if I'd never been born. My pdoc/therapist told me that she thought that has been a theme of sorts throughout my life...but I find it a little hard to believe that something like that could dominate my concept of myself.
I've had a similar experience of feeling better in general when I get "outside" myself and spend time talking with others...but afterwards, I feel so stupid or petty for being depressed over such trivial things. I mean, when you see people dealing with death or serious illness (or horrible living conditions and poverty like I've seen while traveling), it seems so selfish for me to be depressed over something like feeling a bit inferior to my sister while growing up!
A few years ago in therapy, my therapist brought up the same idea that I am probably more afraid of success than anything else...I can definitely see your point that that would be a subconscious reason for "holding on" to depression. Feeling bad, mentally or physically, does seem to give me an excuse for failing...I know I need to give up that excuse, and I think I have been making progress on that since starting med school.
As much as I'd like to think otherwise, I do think that you're right that I may never move on without addressing these things in therapy. But when I say I've had a lot of therapy, I mean a LOT...starting when I was 17, and since my first hospitalization at 18, I'd been in therapy at least once weekly. During college, I actually saw two therapists-in-training (grad students), each one at least once a week! So not only am I just tired of discussing the past (even though most therapists who focused on my past dealt more with my dad's treatment of me than my relationship with my sister)...I feel that I have taken up way more than "my share" of help and therapy hours.
So I guess I do have a decent amount of insight into what I'm doing, as well as techniques to deal with things...I kind of feel like nothing more "can be done," maybe partly because of my extreme stubbornness.
I guess I've kind of accepted the depression (with occasional ecstatic days) as a part of me...even though I don't really think of it as a reason for failure anymore, I guess it probably plays a big role in my social life when I think about it. I think of myself as so unattractive and unwanted (and way too "messed up" for a relationship) that I don't even try to look nice (I could wear contacts instead of glasses but don't make the effort)...and when I walk past people after barely talking to them, I kind of think "well, that was an OK effort considering how depressed I am."
So...a lot to think about...talk about being wordy...sorry! I really appreciate all the thought you put into your reply to me...it definitely made me think as well. (But don't feel like you have to reply to this one, since it's so rambly!).
Thanks again, and I hope you are doing all right,
Rose
Thank you, Caly...I really needed the hug! It's hard for me to know if this is PMS because of the messed-up schedule created by my recently going off birth control (sorry if too much info!). One of the reasons I actually went on birth control was in order to try to control the huge down-swing in mood I was getting every month...my doctor actually told me I had PMDD since I was becoming suicidal each month.
But even the lowest dose pill gave me migraines, so it's back to square one. Hopefully things won't get that bad again...but I'm not too optimistic...
Thanks again, sorry if too much info!
Rose
(((((Rose))))), in so many ways your story echoes mine.
((((((((((((((((((((BIG TIGHT HUGS FOR YOU ROSE)))))))))))))))))))))
I feel like you do most of the time and have a hard time putting it into words as well, its so frustrating, but what you have to say, and what you feel, and what you think is so very important, don't ever think or feel its not. You are a wonderful person who has the strength to make it through how you are feeling (((HUGS))). Always know we are here for you and we care about you. (YOU DON"T BORE US). Feel well soon my friend.
Donna
Hey Rose
WOW - the second twin, and not expected. That IS enough to give you an inferiority complex. When i was 3 years old my mom had a stillborn boy at 7-8 months. I don't remember hearing it during early childhood but I do in later childhood and adulthood - "everything would be so different if only the baby had lived. Made me feel like I wasn't enough. And believe me, that theme is enough to dominate our lives now if it wasn't addressed during childhood.
It sounds like you do have a lot of insight - the next step, the action step, is the really hard one! I always feel like I have to do that perfectly the first time also. I realize that I need to take baby steps. But it's still really hard to change my old thought and behaviors. And "stubborness" - never really thought of myself that way, but now I can see it in myself.
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid
(((Rose)))) Hugs to you my friend.
Thank you, Lisa...I'm sorry you're not doing well...feel free to email me anytime too. Thanks for the advice...I think I will try to start typing my thoughts in a journal (instead of rambling on and on here, lol!). And I agree, body image is a hard thing to get over...but I will try.
I hope you feel better soon,
Rose