depressed and feel physically unhealthy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
depressed and feel physically unhealthy
3
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 5:10pm

Ok, well this is probably going to be a long one...
My name is Sherry, I'm 19, newly engaged to my guy, Cameron,who I've been with for 2+ years, and I've just come to terms with my depression. My story:

June 2002, mother got remarried, the guy turned into a completely different person after we were married, everything went to hell, I was miserable, my mother and I had no real bond, nor much communication. I met Cameron in Sept, right before the start of my senior year, he was the only thing that made me happy as things at home got progressively worse, by March 2003, I had had enough, after yet another fight with my mother, she told me that she didn't like me, that I was too much like my father (her first hubby) and something like she couldn't wait for me to leave home.Not her exact words, but the general jist of it. That night, I moved out secretly and since Cameron's dad had offered to let me stay with them, I moved in. By August, I was in full blown depression, but didn't realize it. I just knew that I wanted to run far, far away. I told Cam that I wanted to go live with my Dad and get away, start over. Well, he came with me, and after getting jobs in the new city (and province) we moved into our own place. From the start, it was a bad idea. We picked an apartment that cost 625 a month. We were making about $7 each, working in crap retail jobs. We fell into debt pretty quickly, despite trying our best. I paid bits of rent here and there, and was soo stressed out about screwing up already. In June 2004, after 8 months of threatening letters, etc...we were evicted. I was relieved. A friend rented us a new apartment, he believed that we had learned our lesson. And we had, we scraped up all of our paychecks before buying anything, divvied them up and had the first two months of rent put away in the bank. The important bills were paid off, we were doing great. I had started school, and was continuing to work part time, and he had a better paying job. His family came to visit us, and we were so happy at the time, and doing so well. We also thought I was pregnant and we were so so happy and excited about that, but it turns out I wasn't, an although we knew it was for the best, we were both (and still kind of are, really disappointed.
Then the rent checks bounced, and we were told that we owed two month's rent (about a month late.) His debit card had disappeared, which it usually did, but then when we never found it, an our "friend" steve had also gone MIA, I put two and two together. Then mutual friends told us that steve had been buying a lot of booze and wearing all new clothes etc (he was always flat broke and hadn't gotten a job.) Somehow he had found out the pin number and withdrew a couple hundred from different ATM's in the mall. Everything had now gone to hell. My dad was blaming the whole thing on Cameron,being really unsupportive of me, when he returned my calls or anything that is. Our checks for the power, phone and cable bills also bounced. We hadn't had a chance to scrape up savings yet, so we had no options except to wait for paychecks. Everyday our landlord came and threatened us with something or another, and we started to pack things away. He got laid off, wasn't able to make it to work due to weather one time, so they fired him, and I was only working 8 hours a week outside of school and my funding hadn't come in yet. So I dropped school, and we put our little bit of money together. By then we had decided to go back home to BC, we ha no money to get there, just enough for the last week of groceries. So my grandma loaned us a grand (flying without paying in advance is costly, because we had no credit card.) so we were stuck hiding out in a friend's apartment for two weeks, waiting for the money to get there, we had to give away most of the stuff we had accumulated over the year, and that was hard. I'm still having trouble accepting that we have to start all over from scratch again and it may seem silly, but I was sad about leaving behind my toaster and pots and pans.
We're back in BC now, living in his dad's house again, sleeping in the living room. we get absolutely no privacy, only late at night, we decided to get engaged at the beginning of November (2004) an now I feel depressed all over again.All I want is to move out on our own again, of course I am grateful that we can stay here while we get back on our feet, but I just feel like my life is such a mess, he is the only thing that keeps me going, I have no family, none of them speak to me anymore. I have some friends, so that is good, but I just feel like i am stuck ina rut, and I used to be this really sunny, happy, optimistic person and I HATE what I have turned into. I feel so angry at the world, and so hopeless. We're in debt, and I think that things would be a lot easier if we weren't. My eyes used to sparkle, and now, looking in the mirror it makes me so sad to see that they don't anymore. The only thing that gets me excited really is looking at engagement rings, but then I get so overwhelmed by cost, etc... that's it's not all that fun. I want to plan a wedding, but what is the point when my family isn't involved.
I just can't get excited about anything. I feel ashamed for leaving my family like that, the other day my little brother came into the restaurant I work at (we're still close) and after he left my manager was like, so you and your brother don't live in the same house? how come? I just didn't know what to say. I got home that night and before me and my DF fell asleep I got so upset, crying hysterically, etc...that happens sometimes at night, when everything is quiet and I have time to think, some nights I keep him up till like 3 am hashing things out, and I always end up feeling better, but something always triggers another "attack" eventually. I had my first anxiety attack recently as well, we were in walmart, and I was looking for bras and undies, and I started to feel so closed in, I couldn't breathe right and I was just so upset and stressed out. Just being in that store, I felt so anxious and stressed. I always feel sick to my stomach, bloated, headachy, tired, etc...I just hate it, I want to be normal and happy again. I do have moments of happiness, but not pure happiness. there is always this dark cloud around me. I'm going to go to counselling soon, but I can't even get optimistic about that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 7:30pm

Hi Sherry


Welcome to the board.


I was so glad to read your last line about going to counseling soon. I Know you are not optimistic about it but I think it will really help.


Most of all right now try not to be so hard on yourself or Cam.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 8:09pm

Sweetie,


I just recently went through something similar regarding my debit card.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 8:46pm
We did call the bank, they said that since he knew the pin number (we think he looked over cam's shoulder one time at the bank or something) nothing could be done. He didn't use the card at the bank itself, just at the mall atm's with no cameras or anything, so I was told that nothing could be done. I'd rather not deal with that anymore, I just want to move on. I'm just regarding it as a setback now, we're saving up right now, but I'm still paying my grandma off for the big loan she gave me, and we're trying to pay off some debts. I think I'm just overwhelmed right now. We're both working full time and I'm determined to get our own apartment in early 2005. We're looking into a bank loan with the credit union, I can't get one because I don't have a credit rating yet (at least it's not bad credit lol) and I haven't been employed at one place for 9 months or more. Longest was 8 months. Cameron has a good employment history and good credit, so hopefully we can get that taken care of. That will eliminate a large part of the stress anyways. Then we'll be paying the bank in small bits every month rather than dealing with the calls from the companies. Still, my trust in anyone is pretty much gone, I can't use cheques anymore, I use money orders. I'm just too paranoid. We lost close to 2000, very hard earned money, and I couldn't deal with that if it happened again. They really ought to create a better security system, there's way too much of this happening these days.