I think I need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
I think I need help
1
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 8:45pm
I'm new here and desperately need to vent. Please forgive any ramblings. I'm sad and I am depressed. I'm 33 and single and feel that life is passing me by. I feel crazy (when usually I feel ridiculously sane!) and hopeless and while I would never kill myself, I really don't love being alive right now. And I feel guilty for that because I'm sure people have it worse than me. I know they do. In the past 3 months, I have walked into my house to find my beloved pet dead, I broke up with the man I was sure I was going to marry and have a family with, I started a new, very stressful job, was the Maid of Honor in my best friend's wedding, helped my brother choose a ring to become engaged to his girlfriend, and the list goes on. I feel like everyone around me has a wonderful life and I have nothing. My last 2 single friends...my brother and my best friend, have found their significant others. I thought I had, too. Until my now ex told me he wasn't in love with me. I hear he now has a new girlfriend. For the past 3 months, I have tried to deal with things in the healthiest way. I am overweight, so I started working out and dieting. I read self-help books like they're going out of style. I've been trying to work thru my pain and hurt, but I feel like I am not strong enough to get thru it. I feel like I am slipping into a black hole of despair. In the meantime, I am so eager to find someone to love and who will love me back. I am making foolish choices that are so atypical of me. I am sleeping with a guy who is plain simply bad news. I was so happy to have attention and a distraction from my pain, that I completely overlooked the fact that he is trouble. Now on top of everything else, I am dealing with the hurt from him. I feel like I am running out of time to find someone special. I know I will never feel fulfilled without marriage and children and yet that joy seems to evade me. I want to continue to do the healthy things...exercise, eating healthy, working hard at my job, taking good care of myself...but my depression and sadness is so strong now that I just don't care anymore. Life seems pointless. I don't want to do anything. I want to stay home and sleep in my bed all day except that I can no longer sleep anymore without sleeping pills. I didn't go to the family Thanksgiving this year because I couldn't bear people asking why I'm single and why my younger brother is engaged before me. I couldn't stand to see my cousins with their happy marriages and happy babies. And I have no one to talk to about all this. I have many friends, but very few I can really talk to about these kinds of things because they just don't know what to say or do for me. And most of them are so caught up in their happy marriages or pregnant with their own children...and truly, I feel like they hate hearing about my sad single life because I remind them of how bad it was...and they don't want to remember their own unhappy dating lives now that they're married. Some of my friends make me feel that my problems are trivial. Others really just don't have the time to listen as often as I need to vent. I don't know what to do. As much as I've written, this is just the icing on the cake. Can anyone relate? Can anyone help? Thank you so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 9:37pm

(((((Hope))))), welcome!