coming out of lurkdom
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| Sun, 11-28-2004 - 5:28pm |
I guess it's time I introduce myself. I'm not sure if it's depression that's getting me or what- but it sure seems that way.
My ds is 20 months old. A bit of quick background is that I was on bedrest before he was born (via emergency csection- not at all my "birthplan"...). My husband wasn't making so much money. We were living in hell (oh, I mean in the mtns of Colorado) and I was very much alone for at least 10 hours a day and then just had him to count on . WHom I adore, don't get me wrong. He started really "going into himself" with worry about the well being of myself and our unborn child. He has actually told me that he assumed the baby was going to die... he was ready for it. Anyway, he didn't! BUT---- I don't feel my nut'l needs or physical/emotional needs were at all met during that time in my pregnancy. Then We were inpatients for almost a month after the baby was cut out of me as he was a preemie w/ respritory difficulties (living at such high altitude too). Then we went home with him on oxygen in the dead of winter. Again, I was alone for 10+ hours a day, no family anywhere near. Just me and this 4lb babe on O2... and he is a high needs baby- to boot!!! (I should say he WAS a hn baby, we've worked thru his "difficulties" and he's a very well adjusted bright funny toddler now!) BUT anyway, my "depression" started then, before the baby came and has continued. I function fine. I'm raising my son fine. My husband and I really love one another but haven't been intimate (but once) in 6 months, and barely before then too. We've moved to be closer to my family (finally, a bit of support...) but I still feel a "panic" every day. I usually end each day feeling like such a failure as a mother and a wife and a woman. I watch other mothers with multiple kids doing JUST FINE and have to question what is wrong with me that I am so tired from my ONE toddler at the end of every day?! I weighed 120lbs before pregnancy, and now am STUCK at 140- and it's getting me down. I feel like the OLD me is lost somewhere inside this big fat bitter me. I feel like we're never going to have enough money. I feel like, at 33, I've wasted my chances to become something or someone. To become that person I wanted to be. Every thing makes me crazy... the dog hair on the furniture. The baby constantly bugging the dog. dirty dishes. my fat. I'm an insomniac (have ALWAYS been, but it's tougher now that I have a toddler!). I go weeks getting no more than 3-5 hours of sleep at night. I find myself feeling "dirty" all the time- how strange is that? I take 2 showers a day and wash my face a few times during the night... isn't that crazy behavior? Yet, I still feel unclean?!!??!?!
Anyway, that's me in a crazy nutshell.

I don't think you're crazy at all.