I need support-triggers
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I need support-triggers
| Sun, 11-28-2004 - 8:45pm |
New here- My experience with depression started a year and a half ago. After being with my boyfriend for 8.5 years he decided 2 months before our wedding that he didn't want to be with me anymore. It sent me into a tailspin that resulted in me finally going into the hospital for a few days for severe depression. I was put on effexor and tried to get my life back on track. I moved in with my parents went back to school, graduated, got of f of my effexor, got a job, moved out into my new apartment. About 6 months after I broke up with my ex I met someone new. We have been together for a little under a year. He is 15 years older than I am. I was comfortable with him right away. We've always had this deep caring between us. We've never said I love you. I care for him an awful lot and I know he feels the same. I can se myself spending the rest of my life with him. He brings a certain safe feeling to me. We were supposed to go to mexico next week and the day before thanksgiving he tells me that he can't go. See, we haven't been doing good at all as of late. Alot of frustrations of expectations not being met. He said that he can't go down there while we are like this because it would be a disaster. I feel like it's a blow to me. That I did something wrong. That no one will ever want me. It just feels like it can never get better between us. But I want it to so bad. He tells me that you can't make things happen. I don't want to lose him. This is where the depression comes in. It's just been a week but I feel like I am going down the road to depression again and I am so scared. I was so low before that I am scared of ever going back for fear I won't be able to get out the next time. These uncontrolable crying spells and just deep sadness. I feel like I don't want to live , the hurt is so strong. I plan on going back to seeing my therapist. I feel ashamed because people have it so much worse than me but it just feels like the end of the world to me. There's only so much I feel like burdening my friends with. I feel like maybe they'll think of me as a drama queen. Just the thought of not being with my boyfriend is enough to throw me down that steep slope towards the black hole. I know this has to deal with what happened to me with my ex. I want to end it with my boyfriend but then part of me wants to hold on. I just don't know what I want. How long do I hold on? I'm just so sick of feeling down and crying. I want to have a life with my boyfriend. I feel so ashamed of feeling like I am just a pathetic person when I know that's not who I should be. The thought of losing him reduces me to these shameful feelings. He says we can still be friends that that's what we might just have been all along. But why the intimate things then. And when I think of never having that ever again with him it just starts me on a whole new jag of horrible feelings. Please help me! I don't have a lot of life experience.

(((((Cinders))))), I'm so sorry for the pain you're in.
((Cinders))) No drama queens here, just people struggling with this illness called depression. I really feel that one of our symptoms is to belittle our own life experience as though what we are going through is nothing, and "everyone else must have it worse."
Don't belittle your own life, you are living it. Does that sense? It is hard. There are many relationship boards here, they may give some insight.
In the mean time, I think it is a great idea to visit your therapist. She/he may be able to give you some help.
It is hard to not let a relationship send you into a tailspin. But you are here now, we have all had rough times in those. Trust me, oh just trust me on that one.lol
Post to us, we are here for you.
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
Co-CL Depression Support