New and needing support badly
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New and needing support badly
| Mon, 11-29-2004 - 3:49am |
Hi everyone, its really hard for me to write this because i've suffered from depression my whole life. Ever since i can remember i've wanted to die and i dont even really know why. My childhood was good, my parents did the best they could do. I was given everything i ever wanted, everything but a simple hug or an "I love you". I spent my teenage years praying everynight for God to just take me. In my 20's i decided to abuse myself with alcohol, drugs and men. Nothing took the pain away. After I had my son I found a counselor and i did great! For about a year, till i meant my husband. He was everything i had always dreamed of. Wanted to give me the world and did everything he could to do it. Which meant he literally did EVERYTHING for me, which landed me back into my dependant state and back to the depression. We've been together 10 years, married 7 years and its been alot of ups and downs but for me mostly downs. It's taking a toll of the marriage and I really dont see how we can survive. My husband doesnt understand my depression, he tries but doesnt understand why i cant just get up and do what i have to do. We have 3 kids and i feel like the worst mother. I have NO kind of energy, i just feel worthless. My husband and kids deserve soooooo much better. I try to talk to him about how i feel but he gets frustrated because he cant fix it. I know i need to get back into counseling but our insurance just ended and we cant afford just to send me even to those places that charge on a sliding scale. I've tried all of that. I feel like a good start for me would be to have someone to talk to. I have no one i can unload on. No one that would truly understand. My sisters latest joke is maybe im bipolar but reading about it, im not so sure now. I just want someone to understand those days i dont want to physically be here, the days i physically cant do anything and more importantly the days (everyday) i cant show my husband i love him because i walk around here like a zombie. Can someone please help me??

I'm deeply sorry for what you are going through. Since you don't have insurance, I highly recommend calling your local chapter of Catholic Charities to find out what free counseling they have. If they don't have something there, they will be able to direct you to resources who can help you.
I work as a counselor in the welfare system and have found out that there are many free services available to people, even people who don't qualify for welfare. Catholic Charities provides many services and has a presence in most towns in the US.
I suffered from depression all of my life, from the time I was a very small child. My family was cruel and vicious. It doesn't matter if they gave you material items or not. Children need love and support to thrive. Without love and affection, they will feel emotionally deprived. Your depression is a normal reaction to a painful situation.
For me, antidepressants helped. But therapy helped me turn the corner. It helped me accept that I am human and could forgive myself for my depression and for making mistakes and not being a high achieving, perfect person. It also helped me learn to accept the reality of situations, while giving myself credit for any little thing that I can accomplish, even if it's just taking a shower.
Depression is as debilitating a disease as a non-fatal stroke. It is painful and crippling. It can be hard to get out of bed just to go to the bathroom when you are depressed.
Please be compassionate towards yourself. Surround yourself with things that support you and nourish you. One of the most helpful things you can do is to stop pressuring yourself and putting yourself down for not doing things. That keeps the depression going.
Depression is a disease of perfectionism. We hold ourselves to a high standard and never measure up to it. Life never measures up to our standard. So we beat ourselves up. We tell ourselves terrible things about life being pointless. We interpret events negatively and use it as more proof that life is meaningless.
It is a vicious cycle of black and white thinking and overgeneralizations about ourselves, other people and life in general.
Cognitive Behavior Therapy helped me tremendously with changing these patterns.
But as helpful as medication and therapy can be, the single most effective cure for depression is exercise. It gives you endorphins. It increases and balances your levels of dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that gives you a sense of meaning. It is low in people with depression. Aerobic exercise is the most effective way to increase this vital brain chemical. Unfortunately, when you are depressed, the last thing you feel like doing is exercising!
I used to feel like I was the one person who couldn't be cured of depression, but I have been. I'm sending my thoughts and prayers to you. Believe it or not, there is a way out. This board is a great place to finding understanding and support. Coming here has helped me feel normal. The women here understand the deep pain and frustration I experienced most of my life.
I hope that you also find support and understanding here.
Good Luck,
MariaC
You DO have a place to go and someone to talk to -- you have all of us, here on this board.